{"id":10295,"date":"2017-01-31T10:30:19","date_gmt":"2017-01-31T07:30:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/?p=10295"},"modified":"2018-01-31T21:43:14","modified_gmt":"2018-01-31T18:43:14","slug":"cele-zece-porunci-ale-umorului","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/cele-zece-porunci-ale-umorului\/","title":{"rendered":"Cele zece porunci ale umorului"},"content":{"rendered":"

1. Nu da cu barda.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dac\u0103 vezi o gras\u0103 pe drum, nu e nici urm\u0103 de umor \u00een a constata “ce gras\u0103 e\u015fti, f\u0103!” E doar retardare. Senza\u0163ia c\u0103 al\u0163ii nu au ochi \u015fi c\u0103 trebuie s\u0103 consta\u0163i tu evidentul vizibil din avion e semn de cretinism \u00een form\u0103 deosebit de grav\u0103.
\n“Dar, Lorena, ieri \u00ee\u0163i insinuam ce tare te-a\u015f \u015fi mi-ai zis c\u0103-s un umflat slinos”.
\nP\u0103i da. Dar eu nu f\u0103ceam umor \u00een clipa aia. Nu c\u0103utam s\u0103 fiu amuzant\u0103. \u00ce\u0163i prezentam doar raportul justificativ pentru refuz. <\/p>\n

2. Nu confunda umorul cu \u0163\u0103r\u0103nia.<\/strong> <\/p>\n

Umorul se construie\u015fte dintr-o premis\u0103 \u015fi o poant\u0103-twist. Nu exist\u0103 umor f\u0103r\u0103 astea dou\u0103. Harneala nesim\u0163it\u0103 pe care unii o cred umor nu se potrive\u015fte pentru c\u0103 premisa e c\u0103 e\u015fti un bou needucat \u015fi poanta-twist e tot c\u0103 e\u015fti un bou needucat. Adic\u0103 nu exist\u0103 twist. <\/p>\n

3. Nu viola umorul.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Violul umorului e atunci c\u00e2nd o persoan\u0103 profund antihaz se strofoac\u0103 din r\u0103sputeri s\u0103 fac\u0103 glume. E o imagine la fel de terifiant\u0103 ca un ur\u00e2t cu spume care at\u00e2rn\u0103 toat\u0103 seara de una care-i arat\u0103 repetat c\u0103 ar prefera s\u0103 \u015fi-o coas\u0103 cu fir de m\u0103tas\u0103. Un om inteligent \u015ftie c\u00e2nd s\u0103 renun\u0163e. \u00cen ambele cazuri. <\/p>\n

4. Nu explica umorul.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Una dintre cele mai groaznice faze antihaz e c\u00e2nd Gigel spune o glum\u0103 \u015fi Dorel sare repede s-o explice.<\/p>\n

Gigel: ce ma\u015fin\u0103 mare \u015fi-a luat X, sigur compenseaz\u0103. <\/p>\n

Dorel: Adic\u0103 X o are mic\u0103.
\n(D\u0103\u0103\u0103h!) <\/p>\n

Prin asta tr\u0103dezi cel mai sigur c\u0103 e\u015fti prost ca noaptea f\u0103r\u0103 lun\u0103. <\/p>\n

5. Nu freca la icre pe cineva care r\u00e2de de sine.<\/strong><\/p>\n

O form\u0103 de prostie neagr\u0103 e s\u0103 te bagi peste autoironia relaxat\u0103 a cuiva cu sfaturi \u00een\u0163elepte. Autoironia e o asumare a unor sl\u0103biciuni. Nu o invita\u0163ie la pis\u0103logeal\u0103. <\/p>\n

Exemplu.
\nStatus pe Facebook:
\nLorena (eating like a wolf) Tocmai am brevetat bulimia pe salat\u0103 verde cu ro\u015fii. <\/p>\n

L\u0103bar imbecil cu veleit\u0103\u0163i de profesor wannabe: Ai ni\u015fte depozite adipoase \u00een zona dorsal\u0103!
\nLorena: What the actual fuck is you nigger talking about?
\nL\u0103bar imbecil cu veleit\u0103\u0163i de profesor wannabe: Am v\u0103zut eating like a wolf \u015fi m-am g\u00e2ndit c\u0103 vrei feedback. <\/p>\n

Unica reac\u0163ie normal\u0103 la asta ar fi:
\nLorena: Eu zic c\u0103 m\u0103-ta c\u00e2nd \u0163ip\u0103 \u00een pula armatei chineze vrea ni\u015fte feedback, dac\u0103 \u0163ip\u0103 pe semiton sau falseaz\u0103. <\/p>\n

6. Nu supune umorul \u00eenaltei tale cenzuri morale.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Umorul e pauza de relaxare a prejudec\u0103\u0163ilor.
\nDe aceea, reac\u0163iile de genul:
\n“Glumele astea misogine propov\u0103duiesc umilirea \u015fi exploatarea femeii, drept care glume\u0163ul ar trebui violat anal cu un baston decorat cu un cap de ra\u0163\u0103 cu ciocul lat!!!”
\ndovedesc c\u0103 tu ai deja unul ad\u00e2nc \u00eenfipt. \u015ei ciocul e at\u00e2t de lat \u00eenc\u00e2t a f\u0103cut anus captivus. <\/p>\n

7. Nu fi soacra terorist\u0103 a umorului.<\/strong>
\n Nu c\u0103uta umorul de limbaj licen\u0163ios.
\n“Nu pot r\u00e2de de aceast\u0103 glum\u0103 pentru c\u0103 are pul\u0103 \u00een\u0103untru”.
\nAsta tr\u0103deaz\u0103 doar invidia pe gluma respectiv\u0103. Pentru c\u0103 n-ai fost demult \u00een aceast\u0103 pozi\u0163ie. <\/p>\n

8. Menajeaz\u0103 umorul aproapelui t\u0103u.<\/strong>
\nC\u00e2nd remarci c\u0103 omul se apuc\u0103 s\u0103 construiasc\u0103 o poant\u0103, ia o pauz\u0103 de la egoismul exhibi\u0163ionist \u015fi monopolul pe aten\u0163ie care te fac cea mai detestabil\u0103 form\u0103 de via\u0163\u0103 din univers \u015eI LAS\u0102-L S\u0102 TERMINE \u00ceN G\u00c2\u0162II M\u0102-TII.
\nNimic nu e mai crunt dec\u00e2t s\u0103 ucizi gluma cuiva la jum\u0103tate. Ai merita s\u0103 mori singur deportat pe o insul\u0103 pustie. <\/p>\n

9. Nu strivi corola de minuni a umorului.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Mai pu\u0163in nasol dec\u00e2t s\u0103 \u00eentrerupi \/ bruschezi un om care construie\u015fte o poant\u0103, dar oricum nasol. “Nu e nimic amuzant!!” de\u015fi al\u0163ii zece mor de r\u00e2s. Small penis syndrome at its finest. Las\u0103-l pe aproapele t\u0103u s\u0103 se scalde \u00een gloria momentului reu\u015fit, c\u0103 nu dai din buzunar. <\/p>\n

10. Nu cer\u015fi r\u00e2s.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ai dat ceea ce tu crezi c\u0103 e o poant\u0103, apoi te \u00eent\u00e2lne\u015fti cu ochi str\u0103ini \u015fi goi. Asta e, nu a ap\u0103rut focul de artificii, era umed fosforul. Asum\u0103-\u0163i b\u0103rb\u0103te\u015fte situa\u0163ia de Hannibal ante portas \u015fi nu te r\u0103\u0163oi la om c\u0103 de ce m\u0103-sa n-a r\u00e2s. Dragoste cu sila mai exist\u0103 uneori, dar r\u00e2s, niciodat\u0103. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

1. Nu da cu barda. Dac\u0103 vezi o gras\u0103 pe drum, nu e nici urm\u0103 de umor \u00een a constata “ce gras\u0103 e\u015fti, f\u0103!”...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":10296,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-10295","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/01\/6174162.jpg?fit=750%2C1000&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10295","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=10295"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10295\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":14213,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10295\/revisions\/14213"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/10296"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=10295"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=10295"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=10295"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}