Eulalia venea acas\u0103 dup\u0103 o zi grea de munc\u0103. Unicul lucru la care fantaza cu pasiune era o baie lung\u0103, senzual\u0103 \u015fi cald\u0103. Apoi o salat\u0103 imens\u0103 cu toate legumele de sezon, \u00eemb\u00e2rligate pasional \u00eentr-o orgie multicolor\u0103. \u015ei la final, somn \u00eemp\u0103r\u0103tesc cu colier de b\u0103lu\u0163e la gur\u0103.
\nNu mic\u0103-i fu mirarea c\u00e2nd, \u00een fa\u0163a casei, se pomeni cu trei fl\u0103c\u0103i \u00een uniform\u0103.
\n-Eulalia Popescu? \u00eentreb\u0103 \u0103la mai cu epole\u0163i.
\n-Da.
\n-Sunte\u0163i arestat\u0103, v\u0103 rog s\u0103 ne urma\u0163i la sec\u0163ie.
\n-Dar ce-am f\u0103cut, domnule?
\n-Ave\u0163i dreptul s\u0103 nu spune\u0163i nimic. Tot ce spune\u0163i va fi folosit \u00eempotriva dumneavoastr\u0103.
\n-Insist. Ce am f\u0103cut?
\n-Ave\u0163i dreptul la un avocat din oficiu…
\nAjuns\u0103 la sec\u0163ie, Eulalia se pomeni t\u00e2r\u00e2t\u0103 \u00een birou, \u00een fa\u0163a unui \u015fef gras, cu \u015fapte bur\u0163i. \u0102la \u00eei \u00eempinse \u00een fa\u0163\u0103 un pix \u015fi o coal\u0103 A4.
\n-Uite, frumoasa, eu zic s\u0103 recuno\u015fti tot, c\u0103 scapi mai u\u015for.
\n-S\u0103 recunosc ce, domnule? Eu zic c\u0103 m\u0103 confunda\u0163i.
\n-Nu sunte\u0163i dvs. Eulalia Popescu?
\n-Ba da. Dar poate o fi o coinci…
\n-Nu v-a comentat azi pe Facebook numitul domn C\u0103cat C\u0103c\u0103\u0163escu?
\n-Sincer, habar nu am. Dac\u0103 l-a\u0163i g\u0103sit mort, am alibi. Eram la munc\u0103.
\n-L\u0103sa\u0163i \u015fmecheriile, domni\u015foar\u0103. V-a comentat sau nu?
\n-Era un cretin obraznic, care se b\u0103ga \u00een seam\u0103 inoportun?
\n-Domni\u015foar\u0103, ace\u015ftia sunt termeni denigratorii \u015fi v\u0103 agraveaz\u0103 situa\u0163ia. Corect e: domnul C\u0103cat C\u0103c\u0103\u0163escu mi-a postat mai multe comentarii. Dou\u0103sprezece mai precis. El v-a reclamat de fapt.
\n-M-a reclamat cu ce?
\n-Noi, domni\u015foar\u0103, suntem Brigada Umor. \u015ei datoria noastr\u0103 e s\u0103 ne asigur\u0103m c\u0103 cet\u0103\u0163enii r\u00e2d corespunz\u0103tor la orice glum\u0103 care e postat\u0103 \u00een subsolul statusurilor.
\n-Domnule, c\u00e2nd e de r\u00e2s, r\u00e2d \u015fi singur\u0103 c\u0103 nu-s imbecil\u0103. Pur \u015fi simplu, ce numi\u0163i dvs. umor e oligofrenie \u00een cea mai pur\u0103 form\u0103 \u015fi nu g\u0103sesc nimic amuzant \u00een chestia asta.
\n-Domni\u015foar\u0103, ceea ce spune\u0163i e de natur\u0103 s\u0103 v\u0103 dubleze amenda.
\n-Cum a\u015fa? Trebuie s\u0103 r\u00e2d la cel mai jalnic antiumor din univers? De unde \u015fi p\u00e2n\u0103 unde?
\n-Obliga\u0163ia dvs. de cet\u0103\u0163ean de rang secundar, adic\u0103 femeie, e s\u0103 r\u00e2de\u0163i politicos de ORICE GLUM\u0102 pe care v-o las\u0103 C\u0103cat C\u0103c\u0103\u0163escu pe perete, sau orice alt cet\u0103\u0163ean de rang principal.
\n-De ce?
\n-Pentru c\u0103 altfel v\u0103 condamn\u0103m la o amend\u0103 de 10.000 de euro pe glum\u0103 de care n-a\u0163i r\u00e2s.
\n-Cum a\u015fa?
\n-Pentru c\u0103 datoria femeii, domni\u015foar\u0103, e s\u0103 g\u0103teasc\u0103, s\u0103 spele pe jos, s\u0103 fete \u015fi s\u0103 etaleze fasole la orice glum\u0103 a masculului, s\u0103 nu-l r\u0103neasc\u0103 \u00een ego.
\n-Ete c\u0103cat.
\n-Poftim?
\n-Am f\u0103cut \u015fi eu o glum\u0103, ce v-a\u0163i \u00eenfoiat a\u015fa?
\n-Nu e o glum\u0103, ci o ofens\u0103, domni\u015foar\u0103. Dac\u0103 n-a\u0163i fi proast\u0103, a\u0163i \u015fti diferen\u0163a.
\n-A, z\u0103u. Dumneavoastr\u0103 ave\u0163i voie s\u0103 v\u0103 ofensa\u0163i, dar eu nu?
\n-Eu sunt b\u0103rbat. Deci, s\u0103 recapitul\u0103m. C\u0103cat C\u0103c\u0103\u0163escu v-a l\u0103sat 12 comentarii. La care i-a\u0163i r\u0103spuns iritat\u0103 la opt \u015fi i-a\u0163i \u015fters patru. Pe cele \u015fterse trebuie s\u0103 v\u0103 amend\u0103m, c\u0103 asta e. Pe restul de opt, pute\u0163i economisi 80.000 de euro, dac\u0103 pune\u0163i un emoticon de haha.
\n-Auzi\u0163i, domnule, s-o scurt\u0103m. Unde virez amenda de 120.000 de euro?
\n-Pe contul Brig\u0103zii Umor: IBAN RNCB RO00 MaCacDeRas 0001.
\n-Gata. Acum pot s\u0103 plec acas\u0103.
\n-Acum da.
\nEulalia se ridic\u0103 \u015fi porni spre u\u015f\u0103. \u00cen timp ce ie\u015fea, \u015feful:
\n-Da’ ce bidoane ai, p\u0103pu\u015f\u0103, zici c\u0103 e\u015fti sifon\u0103reas\u0103.
\nEulalia d\u0103du ochii peste cap, se b\u0103tu discret cu capul de un perete s\u0103-i amor\u0163easc\u0103 mintea \u015fi c\u0103sc\u0103 lung. Toate deodat\u0103. Fu greu, dar \u00eei reu\u015fi.
\n-B\u0103, s\u0103 nu \u00eenve\u0163i nici dup\u0103 ce ai pl\u0103tit 120.000 de euro c\u0103 de gluma b\u0103rbatului se r\u00e2de OBLIGATORIU e prostie curat\u0103. Te mai amendez 10.000 de euro. Sau na, \u0163i-i trec cu vederea dac\u0103-mi faci o muie.
\nEulalia izbucni \u00eentr-un r\u00e2s isteric.
\n-Genial\u0103. Superb\u0103. Fabuloas\u0103. Demen\u0163ial\u0103.
\nC\u0103zu la p\u0103m\u00e2nt cutremurat\u0103 de spasme de r\u00e2s. Toat\u0103 sec\u0163ia se adun\u0103 s-o priveasc\u0103 \u00eengrozit\u0103.
\n-Hiihiihi hahahaaaa hiihiii hahahaaaa!
\n-Auzi, \u015fefu, asta a \u00eennebunit.
\n-Hihihi hahahaha! Hrrrr!
\n-Aoleu, asta e deja elipe… epipe… elipelsie sau ceva.
\n-Hahahaha hihihi huhuuu hrrrr hrrrr hrrrr!
\n-Eu zic s-o arunc\u0103m \u00een drum s\u0103 moar\u0103 acolo, s\u0103 nu par\u0103 c-a decedat \u00een arest, ne-o mai acuza cineva \u015fi de rele tratamente.
\nZis \u015fi f\u0103cut, o luar\u0103 de m\u00e2ini \u015fi de picioare \u015fi o azv\u00e2rlir\u0103 \u00een mijlocul str\u0103zii.
\n\u00cen minutul urm\u0103tor, Eulalia termin\u0103 de r\u00e2s \u015fi plec\u0103 acas\u0103.
\n\u00cen birou, Big Boss gras medita.
\n-Faza e c\u0103 eu ultima oar\u0103 chiar nu glumisem.
\nAsta e, femeile erau iremediabil proaste. Nu se prindeau niciodat\u0103 c\u00e2nd era a\u015fteptat din partea lor s\u0103 r\u00e2d\u0103. \u015ei c\u00e2te speran\u0163e \u00ee\u015fi puseser\u0103 \u00een amenda aia de 10.000 de euro. <\/p>\n
Foto: Cristian Samoil\u0103. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Eulalia venea acas\u0103 dup\u0103 o zi grea de munc\u0103. Unicul lucru la care fantaza cu pasiune era o baie lung\u0103, senzual\u0103 \u015fi cald\u0103. Apoi...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":10996,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-10995","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/06\/eulalia.jpg?fit=637%2C648&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10995","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=10995"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10995\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":11001,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10995\/revisions\/11001"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/10996"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=10995"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=10995"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=10995"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}