{"id":12321,"date":"2018-04-05T09:00:49","date_gmt":"2018-04-05T06:00:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/?p=12321"},"modified":"2018-04-06T13:01:24","modified_gmt":"2018-04-06T10:01:24","slug":"cum-sa-nu-fii-idiot-in-hipermarket-in-sapte-pasi-simpli","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/cum-sa-nu-fii-idiot-in-hipermarket-in-sapte-pasi-simpli\/","title":{"rendered":"Cum s\u0103 nu fii idiot \u00een hipermarket \u00een \u015fapte pa\u015fi simpli"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u00cen general, vinerea \u015fi s\u00e2mb\u0103ta sunt zilele \u00een care ne c\u0103r\u0103m hoitul c\u0103tre un hipermarket, s\u0103 ne refacem stocurile de cafea, alcool, hran\u0103 de pisici \u015fi ciocolat\u0103. \u015ei, m\u0103 rog, \u00eenc\u0103 ni\u015fte m\u0103run\u0163i\u015furi. Tot vinerea \u015fi s\u00e2mb\u0103ta, 70% din locuitorii ora\u015fului au aceea\u015fi idee, sau, m\u0103car, acelea\u015fi ore libere. De aceea, drumul la hipermarket devine un calvar pentru toat\u0103 lumea.<\/p>\n

\u015ei, pentru c\u0103 o bun\u0103 parte din omenire sufer\u0103 de un stadiu sever de nesim\u0163ire, sor\u0103 cu lemnul \u015fi spa\u0163iile mici, drumul la hipermarket devine un megaultrahipercalvar la puterea n, unde n tinde la infinit.
\nIadul, cum spunea fabulosul Jean Paul Sartre, e \u00een ceilal\u0163i. \u015ei uite c\u00e2teva idei simple, s\u0103 transformi experien\u0163a altora \u00een ceva mai suportabil.<\/p>\n

1) Nu ocupa tot raionul cu c\u0103rucioru-\u0163i parcat piezi\u015f <\/strong><\/p>\n

To\u0163i o cunoa\u015fte\u0163i pe vaca odioas\u0103 – se nimere\u015fte uneori s\u0103 fie bou, dar de cele mai multe ori e vac\u0103 – care se pierde \u00een mamelitul ro\u015fiilor, \u00een timp ce c\u0103ruciorul ei reteaz\u0103 accesul la tot raionul legume. Probabil to\u0163i i-a\u0163i urat \u00een sinea voastr\u0103 s\u0103 ajung\u0103 gula\u015f la ceaun.
\nSingura mea nedumerire e: c\u00e2t de vit\u0103 s\u0103 fii, s\u0103 tr\u0103ie\u015fti cu impresia c\u0103 \u015fi-a deschis m\u0103-ta hipermarket pentru tine \u015fi c\u0103 trebuie s\u0103 fii singurul cump\u0103r\u0103tor cu acces la raionul \u0103la? Un pic de considera\u0163ie pentru concet\u0103\u0163enii t\u0103i se poate? Sau cu c\u00e2t e gu\u015fa mai mare, cu at\u00e2t e empatia mai mic\u0103?
\nPS: Te-a\u015f bate cu o lopat\u0103 peste f\u0103lci.<\/p>\n

2. Nu ocupa spa\u0163ii de trecere.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Veri\u015foara bun\u0103 a vacii din prima categorie – din nou, se nimere\u015fte uneori s\u0103 fie bou, dar foarte rar, pentru c\u0103 b\u0103rba\u0163ii fac cump\u0103r\u0103turi ca mine, rapid \u015fi eficient – e animala b\u0103tut\u0103 \u00een cap care nu poate tr\u0103i f\u0103r\u0103 telefon mobil ata\u015fat de hoitu-i. \u015ei de obicei, se pro\u0163\u0103pe\u015fte \u00een trecerea dintre dou\u0103 rafturi, \u00een timp ce-i poveste\u015fte vecinei de la trei ce a g\u0103tit \u015fi c\u00e2t m\u0103rar a pus, complet insensibil\u0103 la cei trei – patru dispera\u0163i care \u00eencearc\u0103 s\u0103 treac\u0103 de cururile ei. Da, are mai multe. Altfel, ce a g\u0103tit nu era subiect demn de ambuteiaj.
\nOK, se mai nimere\u015fte \u015fi ocazionala pi\u0163ipoanc\u0103 povestind o petrecere \u015fi b\u00e2rfind fufele din clanul advers, dar m\u0103car aia e slab\u0103. \u00cencapi de ea.
\nPS: Pentru bovinele astea, a\u015f breveta \u015fi produce c\u0103ruciorul cu claxon. Cum s-a \u00eenco\u0163openit vaca \u00eentre raioane \u015fi nu se d\u0103 dus\u0103, tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Lung \u015fi ascu\u0163it.<\/p>\n

3. Nu \u00eencerca s\u0103 ag\u0103\u0163i <\/strong><\/p>\n

Ultimul loc unde \u00eemi caut pereche e hipermarketul \u015fi ultima categorie de b\u0103rbat cu care mi-a\u015f trage-o vreodat\u0103 e disperatul at\u00e2t de infinit de nefutut, \u00eenc\u00e2t s\u0103 \u00eencerce s\u0103 se bage \u00een seam\u0103 \u00een hipermarket. S\u0103 \u015ftii c\u0103 s-a inventat laba. Elimin\u0103 presiunea \u015fi revino la cump\u0103r\u0103turi dup\u0103.
\nDa, \u00ee\u0163i zic unde e raionul de lactate, c\u0103 mi-a dat mama educa\u0163ie, nu, nu m\u0103 intereseaz\u0103 fanteziile tale cu fri\u015fc\u0103. Mar\u015f voios, sprinten \u015fi zglobiu la cote\u0163.<\/p>\n


\n4. Dac\u0103 e obligatoriu s\u0103-\u0163i cari odraslele dup\u0103 tine, m\u0103car mimeaz\u0103 c\u0103 \u00eencerci s\u0103 le temperezi <\/strong><\/p>\n

Un fenomen pe care nu-l pricep sunt copiii care url\u0103 de zici c\u0103-i pr\u0103je\u015fte Scarao\u0163chi pe grill \u015fi p\u0103rin\u0163ii c\u0103rora li se f\u00e2lf\u00e2ie amplu \u015fi glorios.<\/p>\n

Nu, nu-s adepta pedepselor sau a umilirii publice a copiilor, dar un “Marcelu\u015f, nu e simpatic s\u0103 ragi ca tras pe roat\u0103 \u015fi ars \u00een t\u0103lpi concomitent” n-a distrus stima de sine a nim\u0103nui.
\nM\u0103car o rug\u0103minte lin\u0103, suav\u0103: “Hai, Marcelu\u015f, te roag\u0103 mami s\u0103 nu ne dezbr\u0103c\u0103m de caractere de fa\u0163\u0103 cu at\u00e2ta lume, c\u0103 uite, facem reclam\u0103 la prezervative \u015fi descuraj\u0103m natalitatea \u00eentr-o \u0163ar\u0103 cu o popula\u0163ie deja \u00eemb\u0103tr\u00e2nit\u0103.”
\nChiar s\u0103 nu-\u0163i treac\u0103 deloc prin cap c\u0103 urletele alea pot fi vag nepl\u0103cute pentru fraierii care n-au avut orgasme la concep\u0163ia lui Marcelu\u015f, drept care, au exact zero motive s\u0103 fie bombarda\u0163i auditiv?<\/p>\n

5. Nu face hotline la coad\u0103.<\/strong><\/p>\n

“Da, iubitule. Abia a\u015ftept s\u0103 ajung acas\u0103 \u015fi s\u0103 te simt acolo.”
\nSay what?
\nM\u0103 rog, eu ca eu, c\u0103 am un blog plin de p**\u0103, p***\u0103 \u015fi f***t. Dar bunica aia b\u0103tr\u00e2n\u0103 cu p\u0103rul alb de ce trebuie s\u0103 aud\u0103 a\u015fa ceva?
\n“O ai sculat\u0103 tare, iubi? Hahaha. Mmmm. Mai sunt trei \u00een fa\u0163a mea, pl\u0103tesc, \u015fi vin s\u0103 \u0163i-o sug.”
\nE un pic mai mult\u0103 informa\u0163ie dec\u00e2t aveam nevoie, jur. Degeaba am urlat eu la idiotul de la 3 s\u0103 nu aga\u0163e, dac\u0103 te aude apoi pe tine cum o sugi. Parc\u0103 \u00eel \u015fi aud: “Femeile astea: zic nu, dar toate-s moarte dup\u0103 pul\u0103.”
\n“Da, iubi, sunt ud\u0103 r\u0103u de tot.”
\n\u00ce\u0163i dau eu prosoapele mele de h\u00e2rtie?<\/p>\n

6. Nu te \u00eempinge cu c\u0103ruciorul \u00een mine.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sau cu f\u0103ptura. C\u0103 unii n-au c\u0103rucior, \u015fi tot se bag\u0103-n tine de zici c\u0103 au pl\u0103tit bilet la anusul t\u0103u.
\nExist\u0103 o anumit\u0103 distan\u0163\u0103 rezonabil\u0103 \u00eentre fiin\u0163e umane nefamiliare unele cu altele. Doi pa\u015fi, s\u0103 zicem. Stai \u00een pula mea \u00een dreptul produselor tale \u015fi nu te-mpinge \u00een mine, c\u0103 n-o s\u0103 dispar magic, s\u0103 ajungi tu mai repede la cas\u0103. Cel mult o s\u0103 m\u00e2r\u00e2i antipatic la tine.<\/p>\n

7. \u015ei adun\u0103-\u0163i mai virgon\u0163 produsele, c\u0103 e\u015fti la magazin, nu la tine-n pat, s\u0103 dormitezi pe tine.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Unii au urm\u0103torul obicei \u00eengrozitor de enervant: pl\u0103tesc \u00eenainte s\u0103-\u015fi adune produsele \u015fi \u00ee\u0163i ocup\u0103 banda cu o gr\u0103mad\u0103 de pache\u0163ele \u015fi cutioare, nel\u0103s\u00e2ndu-\u0163i \u0163ie, urm\u0103torul client, loc s\u0103 \u0163i le aduni pe ale tale. Dup\u0103 ni\u015fte ani de nervi, am g\u0103sit solu\u0163ia: o rog pe v\u00e2nz\u0103toare: “O s\u0103 v\u0103 rog s\u0103 a\u015ftept\u0103m s\u0103-\u015fi adune domnul \/ doamna produsele.”<\/p>\n

Unii se simt, le arunc\u0103 repede \u00een c\u0103rucior \u015fi-\u015fi mi\u015fc\u0103 osemintele din dreptul casei de marcat. Al\u0163ii nu. \u015ei le r\u00e2nduiesc cu \u00eencetineal\u0103 de melc, ignor\u00e2nd faptul c\u0103 tu stai dup\u0103 ei. \u00cen fond, dac\u0103 ei n-au treab\u0103, e clar c\u0103 n-ai nici tu, nu?
\n\u015ei \u00eenc\u0103 o dat\u0103 mi-a\u015f dori s\u0103 fie c\u0103rucioarele cu claxon. Tiiiiiiiiiit. Ba chiar cu vuvuzea. Dac\u0103 \u0103\u015ftia te agreseaz\u0103 cu nesim\u0163irea lor, m\u0103car s\u0103-i contraagresezi \u015fi tu, perfor\u00e2ndu-le timpanul.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

\u00ce\u0163i plac textele Trollywood? Po\u0163i sus\u0163ine \u015fi tu proiectul.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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\u00cen general, vinerea \u015fi s\u00e2mb\u0103ta sunt zilele \u00een care ne c\u0103r\u0103m hoitul c\u0103tre un hipermarket, s\u0103 ne refacem stocurile de cafea, alcool, hran\u0103 de...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":9545,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12321","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/06\/legume.jpg?fit=2365%2C1774&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12321","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12321"}],"version-history":[{"count":11,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12321\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":14687,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12321\/revisions\/14687"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/9545"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12321"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=12321"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=12321"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}