Text de Cristina Stavri <\/p>\n
Au existat ni\u0219te studii f\u0103cute de americani acum acum 5 ani, cunoscute sub numele de Roe Effect, care sus\u021bineau c\u0103 rata criminalit\u0103\u021bii \u00een New York a sc\u0103zut o dat\u0103 cu legalizarea avortului. Explica\u021bia era c\u0103, exist\u00e2nd posibilitatea de a face avort \u00een mod legal, nu se mai n\u0103\u0219teau at\u00e2t de mul\u021bi copii nedori\u021bi. Care copii nedori\u021bi, prin extensie, nu erau iubi\u021bi \u0219i nici educa\u021bi s\u0103 tr\u0103iasc\u0103 vie\u021bi demne de societate, deci ajungeau s\u0103 comit\u0103 infrac\u021biuni. <\/p>\n
Acum cinci ani, c\u00e2nd chiar m\u0103 s\u0103turasem de via\u021b\u0103, am decis s\u0103 m\u0103 sinucid. Mai exact, s\u0103 fac eu avortul pe care a vrut mama s\u0103-l fac\u0103 dar n-a reu\u0219it. <\/p>\n
Pove\u0219ti legate de cum am venit eu pe lume sunt multe. C\u0103 \u0219i-a dat seama prea t\u00e2rziu c\u0103 e \u00eens\u0103rcinat\u0103, c\u0103 a vrut s\u0103 fac\u0103 avort ilegal dar deja era prea periculos pentru ea, c\u0103 tata a crezut c\u0103 sunt b\u0103iat \u0219i a convins-o s\u0103 m\u0103 lase acolo. Nu \u0219tiu exact dac\u0103 oi fi sim\u021bit asta pe c\u00e2nd pluteam ignorant\u0103 \u00een lichidul amniotic cert e c\u0103 am aflat, imediat ce am putut con\u0219tientiza, c\u0103 nu era cazul s\u0103 fiu pe planet\u0103. <\/p>\n
\u0218i am aflat foarte simplu: cei 7 ani de-acas\u0103 ai mei au fost un lung, \u0219i degrab\u0103-de-traume-d\u0103t\u0103tor \u0219ir de: \u201cnu \u021bi-e ru\u0219ine?, e\u0219ti o nesim\u021bit\u0103, mai bine nu te f\u0103ceam, mai bine f\u0103ceam avort, e\u0219ti o curv\u0103 (aveam 11 ani), nu g\u00e2nde\u0219ti, ia m\u00e2na de acolo, nu pune m\u00eena pe aia, nu e\u0219ti \u00een stare de nimic, nu e\u0219ti bun\u0103 de nimic!”, zdrang-plosc-trosc-dou\u0103 palme materne peste bot. <\/p>\n
Mama, care se presupunea c\u0103 m\u0103 iube\u0219te, spunea deseori c\u0103 prietena mea, o blond\u0103 superb\u0103, de altfel, e foarte frumoas\u0103, pe c\u00eend eu nu.
\nO lua pe prietena mea, \u00een fa\u021ba mea, \u00een bra\u021be, r\u00e2z\u00e2nd, \u0219i o pupa. Cu mine nu f\u0103cea asta. Deloc, niciodat\u0103. M-am g\u00e2ndit c\u0103 poate e din cauz\u0103 c\u0103 nu eram blond\u0103. Sau poate c\u0103 nu eram destul de frumoas\u0103, de \u00eenalt\u0103, de perfect\u0103. Doamna \u201cmama-i numai una\u201d avea grij\u0103 s\u0103 \u00eemi aminteasc\u0103 \u00een fiecare zi c\u0103 nu, nu m\u0103 iube\u0219te, nu merit s\u0103 fiu iubit\u0103 \u0219i dac\u0103 cineva \u00eendr\u0103zne\u0219te totu\u0219i s\u0103 o fac\u0103, acela e un idiot. Mama e numai una. Norocul meu. Dac\u0103 aveam dou\u0103 din modelul \u0103sta, eram moart\u0103 de mult.<\/p>\n
Mi-era fric\u0103 de orice, dar cel mai fric\u0103 \u00eemi era s\u0103 nu gre\u0219esc \u0219i chiar mai r\u0103u mi-era fric\u0103 de oameni. Vorbesc la trecut pentru c\u0103 mi-e greu s\u0103 accept faptul c\u0103 nimic nu s-a schimbat \u00eentre timp. Oric\u00e2t\u0103 terapie am pompat \u00een mintea mea.. A\u0219a am dezvoltat o pasiune pentru a face totul gre\u0219it. M\u0103car dac\u0103 m\u00e2ncam b\u0103taie, s\u0103 \u0219tiu pentru ce. Doar c\u0103 orice f\u0103ceam r\u0103u se \u00eentorcea tot \u00eempotriva mea, \u0219i nu doar din cauza pedepsei, ci pentru c\u0103 \u00een \u00eencercarea de a atrage aten\u021bia asupra mea \u00eemi f\u0103ceam mie r\u0103u. Mult timp dup\u0103 am aflat c\u0103 toate aceste comportamente autodistructive se reg\u0103sesc pe o list\u0103 de simptome \u0219i au o denumire clar\u0103 \u00een c\u0103r\u021bile de psihoterapie.<\/p>\n
Prima oar\u0103 am crezut c\u0103 e doar depresie. Poate e greu de crezut, dar noi, eu \u0219i depresia mea am avut, totu\u0219i, o rela\u021bie clandestin\u0103, timp de dou\u0103zeci \u0219i cinci de ani. At\u00e2ta amar de timp am ascuns-o \u0219i am ap\u0103rat-o ca pe o comoar\u0103. Acum, dup\u0103 ani de terapii \u0219i foarte mult\u0103 distan\u021b\u0103, m\u0103car pot s\u0103 respir cu ambii pl\u0103m\u00e2ni, ad\u00e2nc. Pot s\u0103 m\u0103 trezesc simplu, f\u0103r\u0103 s\u0103 m\u0103 \u00eentreb obsesiv, \u00een fiecare zi: \u201eDe ce? De ce m-am trezit \u0219i azi? La ce bun \u00eenc\u0103 o zi de chin?\u201d<\/p>\n
Depresia a fost mama mea. A fost singura care nu m-a p\u0103r\u0103sit \u00een to\u021bi ace\u0219ti ani. C\u00e2teodat\u0103 m\u0103 str\u00e2ngea prea tare \u00een bra\u021be p\u00e2n\u0103 m\u0103 f\u0103cea s\u0103 pl\u00e2ng. Alteori m\u0103 lua de m\u00e2n\u0103 \u0219i mergea cu mine \u00een cluburi \u0219i \u00eemi d\u0103dea s\u0103 beau. E \u0219i \u0103sta un c\u00e2ntec de leag\u0103n, nu? C\u00e2nd m\u0103 vedea beat\u0103, pleca \u0219i m\u0103 l\u0103sa lini\u0219tit\u0103, s\u0103 dorm. S\u0103 m\u0103 bucur de c\u00e2teva momente de lini\u0219te \u0219i singur\u0103tate. Nu de fericire, ci de uitare. \u00cen momentele acelea, singur\u0103, \u0219tiind c\u0103 toat\u0103 lumea m\u0103 va abandona \u00eentr-un fel sau altul – pentru c\u0103 cine nu te abandoneaz\u0103 oricum moare \u00eentr-o zi deci tot te las\u0103 balt\u0103 -uneori, m\u0103 pierdeam \u00een bra\u021bele, \u00een corpul, \u00een via\u021ba, \u00een lumea \u0219i \u00een patul cuiva.<\/p>\n
M\u0103 trezeam mereu speriat\u0103, pentru c\u0103 mama mea adoptiv\u0103, depresia, venea dup\u0103 mine. M\u0103 t\u00e2ra jos din pat, m\u0103 smulgea de l\u00e2ng\u0103 oricine a\u0219 fi fost \u0219i m\u0103 lua \u00een grija ei din nou. Iar eu evident c\u0103 o primeam \u0219i o acceptam. Pentru c\u0103 o credeam a mea. O cuno\u0219team de at\u00e2ta timp. Nu \u00eemi \u00eenchipuiam c\u0103 am fost, de fapt, obligat\u0103 s\u0103 fiu singur\u0103, pe nedrept. Nu realizam c\u0103 mie mi s-a refuzat ceva ce era dreptul meu: s\u0103 fiu iubit\u0103, s\u0103 am o mam\u0103 \u00een care s\u0103 am \u00eencredere, o persoan\u0103 c\u0103reia s\u0103 nu \u00eemi fie fric\u0103 sau ru\u0219ine s\u0103 \u00eei spun ce simt. Nu realizam, cum realizez acum, c\u0103 pentru mine \u0219i pentru ea un avort ar fi fost o binecuv\u00e2ntare. \u201cDar vai, Cristina, vorbe\u0219ti prostii, te iube\u0219te at\u00e2ta lume.\u201d Da. Dar nu ea \u015fi nu eu. <\/p>\n
Mai sunt \u0219i alte lucruri pe care le f\u0103ceam. Pe restul nu le mai enum\u0103r, pentru c\u0103 sunt ur\u00e2te, \u0219i de\u0219i a\u0219 vrea s\u0103 afle toat\u0103 lumea ce lucruri te impinge s\u0103 faci lipsa dragostei \u0219i a siguran\u021bei, nu simt nevoia s\u0103-mi sp\u0103l rufele dec\u00e2t \u00een ma\u0219ina de sp\u0103lat. <\/p>\n
Momentele noastre cele mai tandre, mam\u0103 depresie \u0219i fiic\u0103? Cele \u00een care m\u0103 dezbr\u0103cam, pentru c\u0103 nu mai suportam hainele \u0219i sim\u021beam cum mii de gheare ascu\u021bite m\u0103 m\u00e2ng\u00e2ie \u0219i m\u0103 fac s\u0103 pl\u00e2ng. C\u00e2nd auzeam ca un ecou cuvintele mamei: \u201eNu, nu draga mea, nu meri\u021bi s\u0103 tr\u0103ie\u0219ti, nu, nu e\u0219ti demn\u0103 de iubire, nu, tu trebuie s\u0103 fii doar perfect\u0103 sau s\u0103 mori, alt\u0103 \u0219ans\u0103 nu ai, nu meri\u021bi.\u201d Lame, cu\u021bite, bricege, pastile, somnifere toate au trecut prin m\u00e2inile mele \u00eempreun\u0103 cu vocea din capul meu care spunea: \u201eIa-le, hai. Ia-le pe toate, dac\u0103 vrei s\u0103 scapi.\u201c<\/p>\n
Acum, am 30 de ani \u0219i de ziua mea am \u00eentrebat-o retoric pe sor\u0103-mea: cum dracu\u2019 am reu\u0219it s\u0103 ajung la 30 de ani? Iar ea, de\u0219i nu m\u0103 a\u0219teptam, mi-a r\u0103spuns: dorindu-\u021bi \u00een fiecare zi s\u0103 mori.
\nNu sunt pro-avort f\u0103cut pe post de m\u0103sur\u0103 anticoncep\u021bional\u0103, a\u0219 fi fost \u00eens\u0103 pro-avortul meu. Nu sunt anti avort dac\u0103 o via\u021b\u0103 de om \u00eenseamn\u0103 chin \u0219i nelini\u0219ti pe care cu oric\u00e2t\u0103 terapie \u00eencerci s\u0103 le vindeci nu reu\u0219e\u0219ti. Sunt pentru un singur lucru: s\u0103 nu ne mai r\u0103nim unii pe al\u0163ii. \u0218i dac\u0103 pentru asta trebuie s\u0103 extirpe cineva 50 de celule \u00een plus din uter, eu sunt absolut ok. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Text de Cristina Stavri Au existat ni\u0219te studii f\u0103cute de americani acum acum 5 ani, cunoscute sub numele de Roe Effect, care sus\u021bineau c\u0103...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":12369,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12366","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/03\/lls.jpg?fit=1300%2C1300&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12366","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12366"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12366\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":12370,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12366\/revisions\/12370"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/12369"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12366"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=12366"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=12366"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}