Cine cite\u015fte acest blog pe desktop, vede foto de deschidere. Cine \u00eel cite\u015fte pe mobil, nu. \u015ei atunci, povestesc eu ce con\u0163ine. Deci, drag utilizatorule de Vodafone, Orange, Telekom sau re\u0163ele din str\u0103in\u0103tate, una merge acas\u0103 de Cr\u0103ciun, \u00een Moldova. \u015ei, pentru c\u0103 p\u0103rin\u0163ii o a\u015fteptau cu un poten\u0163ial viitor so\u0163, s\u0103 se a\u015feze \u015fi ea la casa ei, s\u0103 intre-n r\u00e2ndul lumii, s\u0103 pun\u0103 pirostriile, s\u0103 n-o r\u00e2d\u0103 satul c\u0103-i fat\u0103 b\u0103tr\u00e2n\u0103, pe de o parte, \u015fi pentru c\u0103 iubitul ei or\u0103\u015fean obi\u015fnuit nu \u00eemparte aceea\u015fi viziune arhaic\u0103, drept care a p\u0103r\u0103sit-o \u015fi a l\u0103sat-o pe l\u00e2ng\u0103 r\u00e2ndul lumii, caut\u0103 logodnic de \u00eenchiriat. Tu vizitezi frumuse\u0163ile Moldovei \u015fi gu\u015fti buc\u0103t\u0103ria local\u0103 luxuriant\u0103 – iar c\u00e2nd zic “luxuriant\u0103”, \u015ftiu ce vorbesc – iar ea nu-\u015fi dezam\u0103ge\u015fte p\u0103rin\u0163ii. <\/p>\n
\u00cen primul r\u00e2nd, eu, s\u0103 fiu p\u0103rinte, a\u015f fi dezam\u0103git s\u0103 fiu min\u0163it \u00een acest hal. <\/p>\n
OK, poate c\u0103 povestea e un trolaj de net. A\u015fa pare. Dar stau \u015fi m\u0103 g\u00e2ndesc la to\u0163i oamenii de 20, 30, chiar 40 de ani pe care-i cunosc \u015fi care au ni\u015fte rela\u0163ii extrem de bizare, cotropitoare, \u00eenc\u0103rcate de tensiuni \u015fi a\u015ftept\u0103ri nerealiste din partea ambelor p\u0103r\u0163i, \u015fi cred c\u0103 a sosit timpul s\u0103 scriu acest articol. <\/p>\n
C\u00e2t e\u015fti copil, responsabilitatea pentru rela\u0163ie o poart\u0103 p\u0103rin\u0163ii t\u0103i. C\u00e2nd e\u015fti adult, om \u00een toat\u0103 firea, cu vaccinurile la zi \u015fi p\u0103rul pubian luxuriant ca buc\u0103t\u0103ria moldoveneasc\u0103 de mai sus – \u015fi investe\u015fti ni\u015fte mici averi s\u0103-l \u0163ii departe de tine, RESPONSABILITATEA PENTRU RELA\u0162IILE CU P\u0102RIN\u0162II T\u0102I E \u00ceN CURTEA TA. <\/p>\n
Sunt p\u0103rin\u0163i permisivi \u015fi relaxa\u0163i, a\u015fa cum sunt p\u0103rin\u0163i dictatori. Sunt p\u0103rin\u0163i care nu vor nimic de la tine, ba chiar insist\u0103 ei s\u0103-\u015fi ajute copiii \u015fi la maturitate, \u015fi sunt p\u0103rin\u0163i care pretind bani cu un firesc absolut, ba, din c\u00e2te mi-a povestit o fat\u0103, la un moment dat, c\u00e2nd s-a \u00eemboln\u0103vit, m\u0103-sa a venit din alt ora\u015f s-o viziteze la spital \u015fi, dup\u0103 ce s-a f\u0103cut s\u0103n\u0103toas\u0103, i-a cerut costul drumului. Sunt p\u0103rin\u0163i decen\u0163i \u015fi p\u0103rin\u0163i vampiri energetici.
\nDar tu e\u015fti deja adult. \u015ei-\u0163i po\u0163i gestiona rela\u0163ia cu p\u0103rin\u0163ii ca un adult. <\/p>\n
A. Nu-i mai min\u0163i.<\/strong><\/p>\n Poate faza cu logodnicul de Cr\u0103ciun e extrem\u0103, dar cunosc diver\u015fi oameni care le toarn\u0103 p\u0103rin\u0163ilor minciuni cu nemiluita, “s\u0103 nu-i dezam\u0103geasc\u0103.” B. Impune-le limite.<\/strong><\/p>\n Una dintre cele mai aberante rela\u0163ii mam\u0103 – fiic\u0103 pe care le-am v\u0103zut era \u00eentre o prieten\u0103, tot moldoveanc\u0103, o fat\u0103 sclipitor de de\u015fteapt\u0103, PR manager la o firm\u0103 mare – \u015fi un PR bun, nu o fofoloanc\u0103 dr\u0103gu\u0163\u0103 \u015fi proast\u0103 ca lemnul. Fata \u00eenchiria un apartament dr\u0103gu\u0163 \u00een Bucure\u015fti. Maic\u0103-sa venea exact c\u00e2nd i se scula s\u0103 vin\u0103, f\u0103r\u0103 s\u0103 dea un telefon s\u0103 o anun\u0163e c\u0103 apare, la orice or\u0103 din zi \u015fi din noapte, i se oplo\u015fea pe cap c\u00e2te zile avea chef s\u0103 stea \u015fi-i f\u0103cea bugetul vrai\u015fte. C) Nu te l\u0103sa impresionat de dramele Parisului.<\/strong><\/p>\n \u00cen general, renegocierea rela\u0163iei \u00eentr-o direc\u0163ie care s\u0103-\u0163i permit\u0103 s\u0103 respiri poate duce la o criz\u0103 lung\u0103 \u015fi apoteotic\u0103 de isterie, dac\u0103 p\u0103rin\u0163ii t\u0103i sunt genul cotropitor. Asum\u0103-\u0163i c\u0103 e ca pierderea virginit\u0103\u0163ii. Un lucru nepl\u0103cut, dureros, de multe ori s\u00e2ngeros, dar necesar. D) Comunic\u0103. <\/strong><\/p>\n Majoritatea p\u0103rin\u0163ilor nu-\u0163i vor r\u0103ul. \u015ei dac\u0103 \u00eei \u015ftii deliberat r\u0103uvoitori, po\u0163i rupe rela\u0163ia cu totul. Dar metehnele p\u0103rintelui normal – c\u0103 vine neanun\u0163at, c\u0103 are foarte multe p\u0103reri despre ce ar trebui s\u0103 faci, c\u0103 nimic din ce ai tu nu e destul de bun – vin din iubire \u015fi bune inten\u0163ii. E) Asum\u0103-\u0163i c\u0103 ai datorii de fiu\/fiic\u0103<\/strong><\/p>\n Astea, desigur, depind de la p\u0103rinte la p\u0103rinte. Primul pas firesc e s\u0103 nu le mai ceri bani \u015fi s\u0103 te mu\u0163i la casa ta. Dac\u0103 ai 30 de ani, e\u015fti \u015fomer \u015fi at\u00e2rni de p\u0103rin\u0163i ca o povar\u0103, da, au tot dreptul s\u0103 \u0163ipe la tine \u015fi s\u0103 te fac\u0103 troac\u0103 de porci. Un adult responsabil se \u00eentre\u0163ine, \u00ee\u015fi pl\u0103te\u015fte d\u0103rile \u015fi \u015ftie s\u0103 aib\u0103 grij\u0103 de el \u00eensu\u015fi. De partea opus\u0103 a spectrului sunt copiii care \u015fi-au abandonat complet p\u0103rin\u0163ii. Au uitat de ei, le ignor\u0103 total nevoile. \u015ei nu, nu m\u0103 refer la p\u0103rin\u0163i abuzivi sau cei care i-au p\u0103r\u0103sit la r\u00e2ndul lor pe copii. Cine cite\u015fte acest blog pe desktop, vede foto de deschidere. Cine \u00eel cite\u015fte pe mobil, nu. \u015ei atunci, povestesc eu ce con\u0163ine. Deci, drag...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":13802,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-13801","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/12\/lol.jpg?fit=517%2C379&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13801","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=13801"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13801\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":13805,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13801\/revisions\/13805"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/13802"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=13801"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=13801"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=13801"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\n\u015ei ajung s\u0103 \u00eentreb: au \u00eenchiriat p\u0103rin\u0163ii t\u0103i Castelul Pele\u015f, s\u0103 sta\u0163i acolo, s\u0103 tr\u0103ie\u015fti fericit c\u0103 e\u015fti os domnesc, s\u0103 nu fii dezam\u0103git c\u0103 e\u015fti fiul unor muncitori simpli din B\u0103icoi? Fuck no. Te-au crescut cu ce-au avut \u00een frigider, au \u0163ipat la tine “N-avem bani” p\u00e2n\u0103 ai \u00eenceput s\u0103 te prezin\u0163i \u015fi tu “N-avem bani” c\u00e2nd f\u0103ceai cuno\u015ftin\u0163\u0103 cu lume \u015fi te-au pus s\u0103 duci gunoiul. Dusul gunoiului e o sarcin\u0103 relativ u\u015foar\u0103, dar maic\u0103-ta era prea doamn\u0103 \u015fi nu ducea gunoiul, taic\u0103-tu prea b\u0103rbat adev\u0103rat \u015fi nu ducea gunoiul, iar dac\u0103 nu te n\u0103\u015fteai tu cu scopul explicit s\u0103 duci gunoiul, divor\u0163au.
\n(Glum\u0103\u0103\u0103.)
\nIdeea e c\u0103 nu te-au min\u0163it cu nimic, \u0163i-au oferit foarte realist exact ce aveau \u015fi cum aveau, \u015fi nu ai motive s\u0103-i min\u0163i cu nimic. “Mam\u0103, tat\u0103, nu m\u0103 m\u0103rit nici de data asta. \u015etiu, gura lumii, r\u00e2ndul lumii, pirostriile. Sorry, nu se \u00eent\u00e2mpl\u0103. \u015ei nu vreau s\u0103 mai avem aceast\u0103 discu\u0163ie.”
\nCa adult, po\u0163i reteza discu\u0163iile pe care nu vrei s\u0103 le ai. <\/p>\n
\nFata era cu nervii la p\u0103m\u00e2nt, avea ni\u015fte resentimente fioroase la adresa maic\u0103-sii, dar c\u00e2nd o suna cucoana – \u015fi o suna des – c\u0103uta un ton politic corect, “da, mam\u0103”, “sigur, mam\u0103”.
\nAm \u00eentrebat-o: “De unde s\u0103 \u015ftie maic\u0103-ta c\u0103 ceva e \u00een neregul\u0103 cu acest model de comportament dac\u0103 tu nu-i spui nimic?”
\n“Ar trebui s\u0103 se simt\u0103!”
\n“Ei, iat\u0103 c\u0103 nu are sim\u0163itorul la ea. Tu trebuie s\u0103 renegociezi rela\u0163ia, \u015fi n-o va face nimeni pentru tine.”
\n\u00cent\u00e2i cu vorba bun\u0103, apoi, dac\u0103 nu func\u0163ioneaz\u0103, te mu\u0163i \u00een alt\u0103 parte \u015fi nu-i dai maic\u0103-tii adresa, p\u00e2n\u0103 c\u00e2nd nu-\u015fi ia angajamentul c\u0103 te sun\u0103 \u00eenainte s\u0103 te anun\u0163e c\u0103 vine \u015fi \u0163ine cont de programul t\u0103u la munc\u0103 \u015fi de nivelul bugetului t\u0103u la momentul dat. \u015ei nu mai mimezi c\u0103-\u0163i convin lucruri care nu-\u0163i convin. Asum\u0103-\u0163i sentimentele.
\nMama mea nu are aceast\u0103 tendin\u0163\u0103 invaziv\u0103, har Domnului, dar are \u015fi ea o apuc\u0103tur\u0103. C\u00e2nd vorbe\u015fti la telefon, tinde s\u0103 \u0163ipe peste tine, s\u0103 te corecteze. \u015ei uneori te corecteaz\u0103 la modul: “Drag\u0103 Miruna, nu pot ajunge, m\u0103 cac \u00eempr\u0103\u015ftiat.” \u015ei maic\u0103-mea \u00een gura mare, peste mine: “Nu ai nici pe dracuuu’.”
\nI-am spus \u00eent\u00e2i frumos, apoi mai ur\u00e2t c\u0103 nu-mi place acest obicei, iar \u00een ultima vreme, m\u0103 \u00eenchid \u00een alt\u0103 camer\u0103 s\u0103 telefonez. Just in case. Unii oameni pur \u015fi simplu nu \u00een\u0163eleg de ce anume un lucru pe care-l fac este enervant sau jignitor pentru al\u0163ii. <\/p>\n
\nSau vrei o rela\u0163ie relaxat\u0103, unde s\u0103-\u0163i po\u0163i gestiona singur programul \u015fi priorit\u0103\u0163ile – sigur, f\u0103r\u0103 a le ignora pe ale lor, dar armoniz\u00e2ndu-le cu ale tale – sau vrei s\u0103 fii o proprietate toat\u0103 via\u0163a. \u015ei aici m\u0103 g\u00e2ndesc la o alt\u0103 familie, cu o doamn\u0103 de 60 de ani, v\u0103duv\u0103, care st\u0103 cu maic\u0103-sa. \u015ei are grij\u0103 de ea exemplar. Maic\u0103-sa nu-i spune niciodat\u0103 “mul\u0163umesc”, \u0163ip\u0103 la ea toat\u0103 ziua \u015fi o scoal\u0103 din somn s-o pun\u0103 la treab\u0103, de exemplu.
\nDac\u0103 pe mine, de exemplu, \u00eencerci s\u0103 m\u0103 scoli din somn pentru orice altceva dec\u00e2t “Arde casa” \u015fi “Sunt pe moarte”, va fi ultima oar\u0103 c\u00e2nd \u00eencerci s\u0103 scoli pe cineva din somn.
\nTipa ar putea pleca la copii o s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2n\u0103-dou\u0103, s\u0103 o fac\u0103 pe hoa\u015fc\u0103 – sorry, n-am alt termen – s\u0103-i con\u015ftientizeze munca \u015fi ce ar \u00eensemna s\u0103 o piard\u0103. Dar “cum s\u0103 fac eu a\u015fa ceva, e mama.” OK, atunci stai \u015fi suport\u0103. Dar responsabil\u0103 pentru halul de agresivitate al rela\u0163iei nu e doar hoa\u015fca. Responsabil\u0103 e\u015fti \u015fi tu, c\u0103 te la\u015fi. <\/p>\n
\nTocmai de aceea, po\u0163i \u00eencerca o specie nou\u0103 de dialog cu ei, \u015fi anume “discu\u0163ia adult\u0103”. \u00cen care s\u0103 le explici c\u0103 tu, ca persoan\u0103, ai ACESTE priorit\u0103\u0163i, c\u0103 binele t\u0103u nu e totuna cu binele imaginat de ei \u015fi c\u0103 sunt subiecte pe care refuzi s\u0103 le revizitezi. “C\u00e2nd intri \u00een r\u00e2nd cu lumea? Uite, Mari\u0163a, Ani\u0163a \u015fi S\u0103fti\u0163a s-au m\u0103ritat, dar tu?” “Eu m\u0103 simt bine a\u015fa cum sunt. Economisesc deranjul unei nun\u0163i \u015fi al unui divor\u0163, plus tot deranjul intermediar.”
\nDac\u0103 stai cu p\u0103rin\u0163ii t\u0103i la o cafea, ca un adult ra\u0163ional, \u015fi le explici ce vrei s\u0103 faci \u015fi cum vrei s\u0103 func\u0163ioneze rela\u0163ia dintre voi, pe un ton politicos, dar hot\u0103r\u00e2t, exist\u0103 \u015fanse s\u0103 ajunge\u0163i la un numitor comun. <\/p>\n
\nDac\u0103 stai cu ei \u015fi ai un salariu propriu, cotizeaz\u0103 la cheltuieli, implic\u0103-te \u00een nevoile casei, pune osul la treab\u0103. Dar nu le da tot salariul. Pe bune, am v\u0103zut \u015fi acest model: Tip\u0103, \u00een jur de 40 de ani, divor\u0163a\u0163\u0103, mutat\u0103 \u00eenapoi la m\u0103-sa, c\u0103 “e nasol singur\u0103”. Munce\u015fte, prime\u015fte salariul, \u00eel depune ofrand\u0103 la altarul matern, apoi c\u00e2nd vrea s\u0103 ias\u0103 la o bere \u00een ora\u015f:
\n-D\u0103-mi \u015fi mie 20 de lei, mam\u0103.
\n-Pentru??
\n-Ies \u00een ora\u015f cu prietenele.
\n-\u015ei ce, nu-i un b\u0103rbat acolo, s\u0103 pl\u0103teasc\u0103 el?
\n-Nu.
\n-Foarte r\u0103u. Numai la distrac\u0163ie \u015fi ie\u015fit \u00een ora\u015f v\u0103 st\u0103 capul. (\u015ei tot a\u015fa zece minute.)
\nDac\u0103 trebuie s\u0103 ascul\u0163i un sfert de or\u0103 de bodog\u0103neal\u0103 pentru propriii t\u0103i bani munci\u0163i cinstit, e semn c\u0103 rela\u0163ia aia e gre\u015fit\u0103 din r\u0103runchi. \u015ei c\u0103 tu ai l\u0103sat-o s\u0103 ajung\u0103 acolo. <\/p>\n
\n\u0162ine leg\u0103tura cu p\u0103rin\u0163ii t\u0103i, sun\u0103-i, ajut\u0103-i cu ce po\u0163i \u015fi dac\u0103 au nevoie, fii recunosc\u0103tor. Acum, la b\u0103tr\u00e2ne\u0163e, e\u015fti st\u00e2lpul lor de sprijin. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"