Am f\u0103cut la un moment dat o glum\u0103 pe Facebook, despre cum Bucure\u015ftiul \u015fi prim\u0103ri\u0163a lui uns\u0103 oficial, Gabriela Firea, se poart\u0103 ca un cuplu \u00een divor\u0163. \u00cen sensul c\u0103 Bucure\u015ftiul s-a s\u0103turat p\u00e2n\u0103 peste cap de Firea \u015fi de toate ini\u0163iativele ei aberante, care indic\u0103 un set de priorit\u0103\u0163i cel pu\u0163in contestabil, iar Firea, \u00een replic\u0103, \u00eencearc\u0103 s\u0103-i strice Bucure\u015ftiului toate ploile, interzic\u00e2ndu-i oficial, prin hot\u0103r\u00e2ri de Consiliu General, lucruri care \u00eei simplific\u0103 via\u0163a.
\nUltima victim\u0103 colateral\u0103 a acestei h\u0103r\u0163uieli meschine \u015fi lipsite de miz\u0103 este Uber. Bine, Firea nu a interzis explicit Uber, c\u0103 nu a\u015fa fac nevestele aflate \u00een divor\u0163. A pus doar condi\u0163ii prin care s\u0103 oblige Bucure\u015ftiul s\u0103 umble cu ma\u015finile acelora\u015fi trei clanuri mafioate, care controleaz\u0103 cea mai mare parte din pia\u0163\u0103. <\/p>\n
Nou\u0103 ne place s\u0103 privim tabloul general al rela\u0163iei \u015fi, conform legii lui Murphy, care zice c\u0103 dac\u0103 o mizerie poate escalada la nivel de uragan cu rahat, automat o s\u0103 escaladeze, prevedem urm\u0103toarele aplica\u0163ii pe care Firea o s\u0103 le pun\u0103 sub index \u00een anul care urmeaz\u0103. <\/p>\n
5. Waze <\/p>\n
Justificare: Bucure\u015fteanul de r\u00e2nd a uitat cum s\u0103 foloseasc\u0103 o hart\u0103 s\u0103n\u0103toas\u0103, tradi\u0163ional\u0103, neao\u015f\u0103, de h\u00e2rtie. Iar asta d\u0103uneaz\u0103 sim\u0163ului orient\u0103rii. C\u00e2\u0163i mai \u015fti\u0163i s\u0103 citi\u0163i o legend\u0103? <\/p>\n
Modalitate: Orice aplica\u0163ie care pretinde c\u0103 arat\u0103 drumurile \u00een Bucure\u015fti trebuie s\u0103 aib\u0103 aprobare de la Poli\u0163ia Rutier\u0103, Facultatea de Geografie a Universit\u0103\u0163ii Bucure\u015fti, Ministerul Turismului \u015fi contribu\u0163ii pl\u0103tite la stat pentru Gabriela. A, da, \u015fi autoriza\u0163ie de la Prim\u0103rie. <\/p>\n
4. Whatsapp <\/p>\n
Justificare: Bucure\u015fteanul de r\u00e2nd a uitat s\u0103 vorbeasc\u0103 normal la telefon, cum o f\u0103ceau bunicile noastre, care pe l\u00e2ng\u0103 telefon mai cro\u015fetau \u015fi o m\u0103nu\u015f\u0103, o c\u0103ciuli\u0163\u0103, ceva. Datorit\u0103 lui Whatsapp, care \u0163ine m\u00e2nu\u0163ele ocupate, frumoasa tradi\u0163ie a cro\u015fetatului e pe cale de dispari\u0163ie, ca floarea de col\u0163 \u015fi cinstea la rom\u00e2ni. <\/p>\n
Modalitate: Orice serviciu de comunicare \u00eentre cet\u0103\u0163eni trebuie s\u0103 aib\u0103 sediu mare \u00een centru, minimum o filial\u0103 la fiecare intersec\u0163ie mare, cel pu\u0163in o sut\u0103 de angaja\u0163i fulltime, dintre care 30% obligatoriu cu dizabilit\u0103\u0163i \u015fi s\u0103 aib\u0103 superoferte cu nume de animale, pentru promovarea zoologiei rom\u00e2ne\u015fti. A, da. \u015ei autoriza\u0163ie de la prim\u0103rie. <\/p>\n
3. Astrologyzone <\/p>\n
Justificare: Stelele lor nu sunt mai bune dec\u00e2t ale noastre. \u015ei horoscopistele lor nu sunt mai bune dec\u00e2t Neti Sandu. De asemenea, dac\u0103 vrei s\u0103 \u015ftii ce te a\u015fteapt\u0103 \u00een c\u00e2mpul muncii \u015fi ogorul dragostei, po\u0163i apela la resursele de predic\u0163ii tradi\u0163ionale neao\u015fe locale, numite \u00een limbaj popular vr\u0103jitoare, ceea ce asigur\u0103 totodat\u0103 reinvestirea capitalului \u00een \u0163ar\u0103, nu peste hotare. Prim\u0103ria poate pune la dispozi\u0163ie celor interesa\u0163i adresele \u015fi numerele de telefon ale mai multor specialiste din Voluntari, ora\u015f \u00eenfr\u0103\u0163it. <\/p>\n
Modalitate: Orice serviciu de interpretare a viitorului probabil \u015fi a \u015fanselor ca str\u0103inul \u00eenalt \u015fi brunet s\u0103 vrea s\u0103 duc\u0103 pionierul la ecluz\u0103 are nevoie de un portofoliu de anun\u0163uri agramate pe anuntul.ro (bonus dac\u0103 au ap\u0103rut \u015fi \u00een Libertatea), un test scris legat de st\u0103p\u00e2nirea terminologiei (cu accent pe “a dezlega”, “argint viu” \u015fi “foc alb”), declara\u0163ie pe r\u0103spundere proprie legat\u0103 de neposesia a mai mult de trei c\u0103r\u0163i de joc (bonus dac\u0103-s din pachete diferite). Ah, da, \u015fi autoriza\u0163ie. Da, de la Prim\u0103rie. <\/p>\n
2. Facetune <\/p>\n
Justificare: Datorit\u0103 aplica\u0163iilor de acest tip, lumea nu mai investe\u015fte \u00een frumuse\u0163ea care li se desf\u0103\u015foar\u0103 \u00een mod autentic pe fe\u0163e, drept care toate cosmeticienele, coafezele \u015fi machiozele au \u00eenceput s\u0103 emigreze \u00een str\u0103in\u0103tate \u015fi s\u0103-\u015fi fac\u0103 firme interna\u0163ionale cu Beverly Hills \u00een cap\u0103t. E inadmisibil s\u0103 l\u0103s\u0103m valorile s\u0103 se scurg\u0103 peste hotare, drept care, pe viitor, toat\u0103 lumea e obligat\u0103 s\u0103 posteze oar selfie nefiltrat. <\/p>\n
Modalitate: \u00cenfiin\u0163area de urgen\u0163\u0103 a Comisiei de Verificare a Selfieurilor care va circula \u00een mijloace de transport \u00een comun, \u00een costum de controlor RATB, \u015fi prin blocuri, inton\u00e2nd “\u00cen Iordaaan botez\u00e2ndu-te tu, Doamne” \u015fi va avea permis special de control al telefoanelor cet\u0103\u0163enilor, cu amend\u0103 \u00eentre 5.000 \u015fi 10.000 de lei la identificarea oric\u0103rui selfie care nu corespunde cu realitatea palpabil\u0103. A, da. \u015fi autoriza\u0163ie de la prim\u0103rie.
\n“Autoriza\u0163ie s\u0103 ce?”
\n“Autoriza\u0163ie a\u015fa, pur \u015fi simplu. Ziua \u00een care n-ai autorizat nimic e o zi pierdut\u0103.”<\/p>\n
1. Tinder <\/p>\n
Justificare: Oamenii nu mai ies la bar, restaurant, discotec\u0103, cum f\u0103ceau bunicile noastre, s\u0103 danseze \u015fi s\u0103 fac\u0103 toat\u0103 noaptea consuma\u0163ie, s\u0103-l cunoasc\u0103 pe alesul vie\u0163ii. Acum, alesul vie\u0163ii e la un swipe right distan\u0163\u0103. Iar asta pericliteaz\u0103 industria HORECA din Rom\u00e2nia.” <\/p>\n
Modalitate: Orice unealt\u0103 aprobat\u0103 de dating trebuie s\u0103 fac\u0103 dovada unui sediu fizic, cu c\u00e2te zece sucursale pe sector, fiecare cu aprobare de la prim\u0103riile abilitate, autoriza\u0163ie sanitar – veterinar\u0103 (c\u0103 poate alesul e s\u0103lbatic ca un animal), contract de protec\u0163ia muncii \u015fi o copie a planului de evacuare \u00een caz de urgen\u0163e. Ah, da, \u015fi \u00eenc\u0103 ceva. Ia zice\u0163i voi ce. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Am f\u0103cut la un moment dat o glum\u0103 pe Facebook, despre cum Bucure\u015ftiul \u015fi prim\u0103ri\u0163a lui uns\u0103 oficial, Gabriela Firea, se poart\u0103 ca un...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":11003,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-13846","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/06\/gfirea.jpg?fit=650%2C431&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13846","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=13846"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13846\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":13848,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13846\/revisions\/13848"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/11003"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=13846"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=13846"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=13846"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}