De cum vin Cr\u0103ciunul \u015fi Anul Nou, \u00eencepe s\u0103 plou\u0103 cu ur\u0103ri de la toate firmele de care vrei s\u0103 auzi o dat\u0103 pe lun\u0103, c\u00e2nd \u00ee\u0163i pl\u0103te\u015fti factura, Apoi, Simona de la Elefant \u015fi Bogdan de la Emag, \u015fi mul\u0163i al\u0163ii ca ei. Plus, toat\u0103 lista ta de Facebook parc\u0103 \u00eennebune\u015fte.<\/p>\n
\u00cen\u0163eleg ur\u0103rile de la prietenii reali, cu care interac\u0163ionezi cu regularitate \u015fi \u00een\u0163eleg ur\u0103rile de la cititorii devota\u0163i, care sunt ve\u015fnic prezen\u0163i pe textele tale, \u00ee\u0163i cump\u0103r\u0103 c\u0103r\u0163ile \u015fi \u00ee\u0163i sus\u0163in munca. \u00cen momentul \u00een care \u00eemi scrie cineva cu care n-am fix absolut nici o treab\u0103, n-am avut \u015fi nu voi avea, m\u0103 \u00eentreb onest: “de ce?”. De ce s\u0103 mimezi o p\u0103sare pe care n-o v\u0103d tot restul anului? Nu, mul\u0163umesc, nu m\u0103 intereseaz\u0103 cuvinte frumoase o dat\u0103 pe an c\u00e2nd \u00een rest nu avem nici o treab\u0103. De-aia mi-am \u015fi dat hidden birthday. \u00cen\u0163eleg tastatul interminabil c\u00e2nd v\u0103d rostul \u015fi scopul.<\/p>\n
\u015ei hai, m\u0103car \u0103ia care zic s\u0103-\u0163i tr\u0103iasc\u0103 familia \u015fi s\u0103 se \u00eenmul\u0163easc\u0103 cu vorbele lor au o bil\u0103 alb\u0103. Pe \u0103ilal\u0163i, \u00eens\u0103, i-a\u015f bate cu neoane ude. Care \u0103ilal\u0163i? Retarda\u0163ii cu bale la gur\u0103 care an de an inventeaz\u0103 c\u00e2te un mod de a-\u015fi tortura mass lista de Facebook. \u00cen 2015, puneau o poz\u0103 generic\u0103 de Cr\u0103ciun, \u00een care te taguiau crengu\u0163\u0103 de brad, panglica de pe cadou sau scutecul lui Isus, undeva pe la fundule\u0163. \u00cen 2016, d\u0103deau o urare colectiv\u0103, with you and 5468 others. \u00cen 2017, \u00ee\u0163i trimiteau acela\u015fi video idiot \u015fi cli\u015feic pe care \u0163i l-au trimis al\u0163ii nu \u015ftiu c\u00e2\u0163i \u00eenainte, \u015fi-\u0163i \u015fi scriau s\u0103-l dai mai departe la to\u0163i cei dragi.<\/p>\n
Dar cu ce mi-au gre\u015fit cei dragi?<\/p>\n
Ca s\u0103 nu spun de touch the clock. M-am oprit cu greu s\u0103 nu le trimit la schimb poza cu un coco\u015f ro\u015f \u015fi s\u0103-i invit s\u0103-l ating\u0103 foarte tandru, \u00een mi\u015fc\u0103ri de du-te-vino.<\/p>\n
4.\u00a0Colind\u0103cio\u0219ii\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n \u00cen\u0163eleg colindatul la sat. Unde e efectuat de copiii ob\u015ftei, \u00eel vezi \u015fi pe al t\u0103u printre ei, pupu-l mama de frumos \u015fi de\u015ftept, \u015fi le r\u0103spl\u0103te\u015fti ur\u0103tura cu nuci \u015fi cu mere. La c\u00e2t\u0103 plictiseal\u0103 e \u00eentr-un sat normal, unde femeile nu merg la cr\u00e2\u015fm\u0103, s\u0103 nu le arate lumea cu degetul, colindatul sun\u0103 a entertainment.<\/p>\n La bloc \u00eens\u0103, unde de obicei nu \u00eei \u015ftii deloc pe cei care vin s\u0103-\u0163i c\u00e2nte fals, cvasi-improviz\u00e2nd textele colindelor, \u015fi care au \u015fi un baros de fier preg\u0103tit dac\u0103 nu le dai taxa adecvat\u0103 de \u00eenchidere a l\u0103l\u0103ielii, minimum 50 de lei de persoan\u0103, colindatul e un obicei funest \u015fi enervant. Nemaivorbind c\u0103 nu-\u0163i erodeaz\u0103 nervii doar alea 10 minute c\u00e2nd rag fioros \u00een fa\u0163a u\u015fii tale, s\u0103 te for\u0163eze la reac\u0163ie. \u00cei auzi pe casa sc\u0103rilor, etaj de etaj, apartament de apartament, p\u00e2n\u0103 se miluie\u015fte \u0103l de jos \u015fi-i ia. Dar fericirea nu \u0163ine mult. Hopa \u015fi urm\u0103toarea ga\u015fc\u0103 de afoni sini\u015ftri veni\u0163i s\u0103-\u0163i fac\u0103 urechile s\u0103 s\u00e2ngereze.<\/p>\n (Pauz\u0103 de publicitate. Iat\u0103 \u015fi textul meu, Cum s\u0103 fii colind\u0103tor de succes<\/a>, scris \u00eentr-un an \u00een care aveam evenimente de s\u0103rb\u0103tori \u015fi nu m\u0103 puteam c\u0103ra.)<\/p>\n 3.\u00a0Plugu\u015foarele urbane\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n De obicei, la \u0163ar\u0103, g\u0103l\u0103gia, pocnetele \u015fi p\u00e2r\u0163\u00e2ielile de buhai se aud \u00een noaptea Revelionului \u015fi at\u00e2t. Apropo de spirit na\u0163ional creativ \u015fi original: mi se pare fabulos s\u0103 inventezi un instrument care imit\u0103 artistic b\u0103\u015finile. Propun s\u0103 fie folosit ca brand de \u0163ar\u0103, nu de alta, dar frunze \u015fi oi au \u015fi al\u0163ii. B\u0103\u015fini ritualice, mai pu\u0163ini.<\/p>\n \u00cen Bucure\u015fti, g\u0103l\u0103gia specific\u0103, pocnetele \u015fi p\u00e2r\u0163\u00e2ielile \u00eencep cam de Mo\u015f Nicolae. Discutam zilele trecute cu un prieten, iar \u0103la-mi explica: Astea sunt f\u0103cute din b\u0103tr\u00e2ni s\u0103 alunge spiritele rele.<\/p>\n PLM, fac eu, de at\u00e2ta b\u0103\u015fit \u015fi pocnit, spiritele alea rele au dat check out cu toat\u0103 spi\u0163a lor, s-au dus toate \u00een Madagascar. Chiar trebuie s\u0103 viol\u0103m repetat urechile bucure\u015fteanului obi\u015fnuit, o lun\u0103 \u00eentreag\u0103, cu cele mai abjecte sunete produse vreodat\u0103 de om?<\/p>\n Iar \u0103\u015ftia care au timp s\u0103 se p\u00e2r\u0163\u00e2ie printre blocuri o lun\u0103 \u00eentreag\u0103 n-au joburi? Eu, un rahat de freelancer, n-am timp s\u0103 m\u0103 b\u0103\u015fesc nici la domiciliu.<\/p>\n 2. Abuzurile alimentare \u015fi alcoolice\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n “Colebil \u015fi Triferment v\u0103 ureaz\u0103 s\u0103rb\u0103tori fericite!” Nu exist\u0103 reclam\u0103 mai amuzant\u0103, \u00een adev\u0103rul ei sumbru \u015fi sadic.<\/p>\n Dup\u0103 o perioad\u0103 de post, c\u00e2nd \u00ee\u0163i obi\u015fnuie\u015fti organismul cu hran\u0103 pu\u0163in\u0103 \u015fi s\u0103n\u0103toas\u0103 – \u015fi am scris aici<\/a> c\u00e2t am bolit la o simpl\u0103 cin\u0103 de restaurant, dup\u0103 ce am tr\u0103it verde c\u00e2teva luni – pentru c\u0103 organismul omului are acest obicei, s\u0103 se obi\u015fnuiasc\u0103 rapid cu binele \u015fi s\u0103 nu mai fac\u0103 fa\u0163\u0103 suprasolicit\u0103rilor, rom\u00e2nul se apuc\u0103 s\u0103 bage-n el ca-n vagon, de zici c\u0103 \u00eencepe foametea mondial\u0103 \u00een a doua zi a noului an.<\/p>\n \u015ei, ca un f\u0103cut, toate alimentele de s\u0103rb\u0103tori sunt din alea grele, unsuroase, absolut feroce cu sistemul t\u0103u digestiv.<\/p>\n Apoi se apuc\u0103 s\u0103 bea de parc\u0103 ziua de m\u00e2ine n-ar mai exista.<\/p>\n M\u0103 rog, c\u0103 vrei tu s\u0103 te sinucizi pe cale oral\u0103, e una. E decizia ta \u015fi o respect. Dar membrii familiei tale \u015fi prietenii t\u0103i ce vin\u0103 au, c\u0103 trebuie s\u0103-\u015fi petreac\u0103 Revelionul pe coridor la urgen\u0163e sau s\u0103 te \u0163in\u0103 de cap \u00een timp ce tu batjocore\u015fti vasul de toalet\u0103, \u00een loc s\u0103 se bucure lini\u015fti\u0163i de s\u0103rb\u0103toare?<\/p>\n Ce reprezint\u0103 petardele? Care e rostul \u015fi scopul lor \u00een via\u0163\u0103? Care e semnifica\u0163ia lor simbolic\u0103, dac\u0103 exist\u0103 una? (C\u0103 una practic\u0103 nu exist\u0103, \u00een mod evident.) Ce satisfac\u0163ie deriv\u0103 cel care le arunc\u0103? \u00cen ce const\u0103 pl\u0103cerea? \u00cen ce const\u0103 c\u00e2\u015ftigul material \u015fi\/sau spiritual? Care e scopul imediat? Dar cel pe termen lung?<\/p>\n O cuno\u015ftin\u0163\u0103 \u00eemi povestea c\u0103 fiul ei prepuber a aruncat \u00eentr-un an 300 de lei pe petarde.<\/p>\n P\u0103i s\u0103 fi avut eu, copil, 300 de lei de f aiurea… Mi-a\u015f fi luat ciocolat\u0103. C\u0103r\u0163i de pove\u015fti. Pr\u0103jituri de la cofet\u0103rie. Ruj ro\u015fu \u015fi rimel. \u00cemi st\u0103tea bine cu ambele, \u00eenc\u0103 de pe la 5 ani furam fardurile mamei \u015fi m\u0103 boiam cu ele pe ascuns. Cizme noi. Penar neon, cum aveau boga\u0163ii clasei. Abonament la dansuri moderne. Uite, doar \u00een cinci secunde, un brainstorming cu lucruri dr\u0103gu\u0163e pe care le po\u0163i face cu 300 de lei.<\/p>\n De ce s\u0103 arunci ace\u015fti bani \u00een aer, la propriu?<\/p>\n Ce demonstrezi cu asta, \u015fi cui?<\/p>\n Nu faci dec\u00e2t s\u0103-\u0163i iri\u0163i vecinii \u015fi s\u0103 sperii aiurea toate anim\u0103lu\u0163ele, din case sau f\u0103r\u0103 st\u0103p\u00e2ni, din cartierul t\u0103u. Mi-am petrecut Revelionul \u0103sta \u00een bud\u0103, cu c\u00e2inele maic\u0103-mii. Acolo se refugiase, pentru c\u0103 i se p\u0103rea c\u0103 e un loc safe \u00een cazul unei explozii. Tremura necontrolat, pl\u00e2ngea mut \u015fi morfolea covorul din baie.<\/p>\n \u015ei aveam planuri de Revelion. Dar n-am putut, omene\u015fte, ie\u015fi din cas\u0103, c\u00e2nd am v\u0103zut \u00een ce hal s-a panicat c\u00e2inele \u0103la. Exact cum se panica \u015fi motanul, c\u00e2nd era pui. Acum, m\u00e2\u0163ul era at\u00e2t de uimit de reac\u0163iile c\u00e2inelui, \u00eenc\u00e2t a uitat s\u0103 se sperie. St\u0103tea, se uita la c\u00e2ine cam ca badea Ion la giraf\u0103, \u015fi parc\u0103-\u0163i venea s\u0103-l faci mem\u0103 cu “A\u015fa ceva nu se exist\u0103”.<\/p>\n Nu mai bine \u00ee\u0163i bagi tu petarda-n c, preferabil aprins\u0103, dec\u00e2t s\u0103 stau s\u0103 fac eu pe psihoterapeutul animalelor? C\u0103 poate a\u015f prefera s\u0103 m\u0103 duc la petrecere \u00een tot acest timp.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n ***<\/p>\n Dac\u0103 \u0163i-a pl\u0103cut acest articol,\u00a0sus\u0163ine site-ul cu o dona\u0163ie<\/a>.<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n *** <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" S\u0103rb\u0103torile de iarn\u0103 sunt un lucru frumos. Veselie, alcool, familie, prieteni, s\u0103n\u0103tate \u015fi virtute. Se na\u015fte Cristos an de an s\u0103 se sacrifice pentru...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":21018,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-13916","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/01\/fairytale-5859807.jpg?fit=640%2C426&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13916","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=13916"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13916\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":21019,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13916\/revisions\/21019"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/21018"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=13916"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=13916"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=13916"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}\n
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<\/a><\/p>\n
\nVrei s\u0103 m\u0103 urm\u0103re\u015fti \u00een social media? \u00cemi po\u0163i da like pe\u00a0Facebook<\/strong><\/a>, follow pe\u00a0Twitter<\/a><\/strong>\u00a0\u015fi\u00a0Instagram<\/a><\/strong>, subscribe pe\u00a0YouTube<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n