Unul dintre lucrurile la care nu te a\u015ftep\u0163i, c\u00e2nd adop\u0163i un sufle\u0163el tandru, pufos \u015fi feeric de pisoi, \u015fi el \u00ee\u0163i toarce catifelat \u00een poal\u0103, sunt momentele \u00een care are diaree. \u015ei, pentru c\u0103 are diaree, r\u0103m\u00e2ne murdar, drept care, vine la tine s\u0103 urle disperat. Dac\u0103 nu te prinzi, se \u015fi \u00eentoarce cu coada ridicat\u0103 spre tine, \u00eentr-o pledoarie elocvent\u0103 de “\u015eterge-m\u0103, b\u0103i, vaco, ce n-ai \u00een\u0163eles?”<\/p>\n
Desigur, c\u00e2t \u00eel \u015ftergi, o s\u0103 scoat\u0103 de la naftalin\u0103 piesa de rezisten\u0163\u0103 “Mu\u0103\u0103\u0103\u0103\u0103\u0103\u0103\u0103\u0103\u0103\u0103\u0103\u0103weeeeeeeei”, adic\u0103 “Sunt un biet porcu\u015for nevinovat, \u015fi azi e Ignatul, \u015fi vaca asta vrea s\u0103 fac\u0103 leb\u0103r, tob\u0103 \u015fi s\u00e2ngerete din hemoroizii mei inocen\u0163i”.<\/p>\n
Chit c\u0103 \u015ftie c\u0103 nu poate sta ne\u015fters. \u015ei \u015ftie c\u0103 el personal \u0163i-a trasat sarcina cu pricina. \u015ei tu folose\u015fti \u015ferve\u0163el pe care \u00eel umeze\u015fti cu ap\u0103 c\u0103ldu\u0163\u0103, nu rece, s\u0103 mic\u015forezi nepl\u0103cerea. Dar dac\u0103 nu ragem ca turba\u0163ii, unde mai e distrac\u0163ia?<\/p>\n
Bun. M\u0103 a\u015fez eu frumos l\u00e2ng\u0103 WC, cu motanul \u00een bra\u0163e, umezesc \u015ferve\u0163ele, \u00eemi dau creierul pe mute, s\u0103 ignor r\u0103gete, \u015fi \u00eel \u015fterg temeinic, nu de alta, dar tot \u00een a\u015fternuturi se bag\u0103 seara \u015fi nu te caci \u00een propriul noroc, s\u0103 zic a\u015fa.<\/p>\n
Dup\u0103 ce \u00eel cur\u0103\u0163 \u00e0 la carte – dac\u0103 exist\u0103 cumva o carte cu standarde de \u015ftergere a pisicilor la cur – observ cu stupoare c\u00e2\u0163iva stropi de lichid albicios, care i se scurg pe anus. Dar acest lichid avea un miros… Dumnezeule. Dac\u0103 guvernarea pesedist\u0103 ar fi un miros, ar fi acesta. \u00cei \u015fterg \u015fi pe ei, dac\u0103 tot au venit, s\u0103 fie primi\u0163i. \u00cel mai sp\u0103l o dat\u0103, s\u0103 fie curat ca lacrima de virgin\u0103, apoi m\u0103 bag oripilat\u0103 pe net s\u0103 aflu ce e lichidul alb \u015fi mirositor a Talpa iadului din anusul motanului meu.<\/p>\n
Da. Adopta\u0163i un sufle\u0163el nevinovat \u015fi pur, care v\u0103 iube\u015fte necondi\u0163ionat \u015fi, nu se \u015ftie cum, v\u0103 trezi\u0163i c\u0103ut\u00e2nd pe net “white discharge cat butt”. \u015etiu, sun\u0103 a o ramur\u0103 deosebit de depravat\u0103 de porno.<\/p>\n
\u015ei aflu c\u0103 motanul meu are dou\u0103 chestii numite glande perianale, care se storc singure, c\u00e2nd fecalele sunt normale, \u015fi trebuie “ajutate” \u00een caz de diaree, \u015fi c\u0103 eu tocmai \u00eel “ajutasem”.<\/p>\n
Deci, data viitoare c\u00e2nd citi\u0163i o siropo\u015fenie cu “pisicile, creaturi divine \u015fi mistice”, lua\u0163i \u00een considerare c\u0103 la un moment dat o s\u0103 stoarce\u0163i anusul unei astfel de creaturi, \u015fi numai mistic nu va fi.<\/p>\n
Bun. Dar articolul povestea mai departe c\u0103 numitele glande se pot \u015fi infecta, \u015fi toat\u0103 povestea poate ajunge la boli care mai de care mai sinistre, culmin\u00e2nd, desigur, cu cancer \u015fi moarte.<\/p>\n
“Aoleu, odorul mamei!”<\/p>\n
Azi diminea\u0163\u0103, \u00eenha\u0163 m\u00e2\u0163a \u015fi merg la veterinar. Pe drum, m\u0103 \u00eempiedic de o groap\u0103 – nu vedeam pe unde calc, aveam motanul \u00een bra\u0163e, e mai u\u015for a\u015fa dec\u00e2t \u00een cutie, unde se las\u0103 greu de o sut\u0103 de tone – trag o c\u0103z\u0103tur\u0103, \u00eemi \u00eenvine\u0163esc genunchiul, dar \u0163in motanul sus, ca un osta\u015f flamura pe c\u00e2mpul de lupt\u0103.<\/p>\n
Ajung la veterinarul din vecini, un tip t\u00e2n\u0103r, calm \u015fi cald.<\/p>\n
-Bun\u0103 ziua, ce e cu dumneavoastr\u0103, doamn\u0103?<\/p>\n
-Am c\u0103zut, dar nu eu sunt problema.\u00a0 Ci bl\u0103nosul.<\/p>\n
-Spune\u0163i.<\/p>\n
“\u0102\u0103\u0103, domnul doctor, v-am adus acest animal s\u0103 arunca\u0163i un ochi \u00een curul lui.”<\/p>\n
Not really. Let’s fine-tune.<\/p>\n
-Am avut diaree. Nu eu, el. \u015ei \u015fti\u0163i cum e c\u00e2nd are diaree. L-am… \u015fters la fund.<\/p>\n
-A\u015fa.<\/p>\n
-\u015ei a curs un lichid alb.<\/p>\n
-Da. Are ni\u015fte glande care secret\u0103 acest lichid.<\/p>\n
-\u015ei se poate ca o f\u0103ptur\u0103 at\u00e2t de ginga\u015f\u0103 s\u0103 emane un miros at\u00e2t de oribil?<\/p>\n
-Da. E fiziologic.<\/p>\n
-OK. A\u015f dori, dac\u0103 nu v\u0103 e cu sup\u0103rare, s\u0103 arunca\u0163i un ochi, s\u0103 vede\u0163i dac\u0103 n-are vreo infec\u0163ie sau ceva.<\/p>\n
Doctorul se \u0163inea s\u0103 nu r\u00e2d\u0103.<\/p>\n
-\u015ei pute\u0163i s\u0103 \u015fi r\u00e2de\u0163i, e ok.<\/p>\n
-Bine, hai s\u0103 m\u0103 uit.<\/p>\n
\u00ce\u015fi pune m\u0103nu\u015fi, arunc\u0103 un ochi, arunc\u0103 doi, \u00eel examineaz\u0103 \u00een, ei bine, cur, \u00een timp ce Pulic\u0103 al meu r\u0103gea de zici c\u0103-l opera pe cord deschis f\u0103r\u0103 anestezie.<\/p>\n
-Doamn\u0103, zona e perfect s\u0103n\u0103toas\u0103, nu prezint\u0103 nici o infec\u0163ie. \u015ei dac\u0103-l mai controla\u0163i, s\u0103 \u015fti\u0163i c\u0103 acei c\u00e2\u0163iva stropi sunt \u00een regul\u0103. Esen\u0163ial e s\u0103 nu-\u015fi schimbe culoarea \u015fi frecven\u0163a.<\/p>\n
-Pfffff, r\u0103suflu eu u\u015furat\u0103. C\u00e2t v\u0103 datorez?<\/p>\n
-Nimic. A\u0163i fost simpatic\u0103, iar el e s\u0103n\u0103tos. S\u0103 nu-l sc\u0103pa\u0163i din bra\u0163e.<\/p>\n
-N-am cum s\u0103-l scap nici s\u0103 vreau. \u0102sta st\u0103 ag\u0103\u0163at cu optsprezece gheare de mine c\u00e2nd suntem pe strad\u0103.<\/p>\n
Seara, Pulic\u0103 mi s-a cuib\u0103rit tandru \u015fi torc\u0103tor pe genunchiul \u00eenvine\u0163it. Ca \u015fi cum ar fi \u015ftiut c\u0103 am c\u0103zut la datorie, c\u0103ut\u00e2nd s\u0103-l salvez pe el de cancer \u015fi alte boli funeste.<\/p>\n
Foto:\u00a0https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/blhphotography\/420301155\/<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Unul dintre lucrurile la care nu te a\u015ftep\u0163i, c\u00e2nd adop\u0163i un sufle\u0163el tandru, pufos \u015fi feeric de pisoi, \u015fi el \u00ee\u0163i toarce catifelat \u00een...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":14228,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-14226","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/420301155_9e41cbb183.jpg?fit=500%2C417&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14226","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=14226"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14226\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":14236,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14226\/revisions\/14236"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/14228"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=14226"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=14226"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=14226"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}