Exist\u0103, dup\u0103 cum bine \u015ftim, dou\u0103 categorii de oameni singuri. OK, exist\u0103 multe subcategorii, dar acestea pot fi grupate \u00een aceste dou\u0103 mari categorii: oamenii singuri care sufer\u0103 foarte public \u015fi patetic c\u0103 sunt singuri, \u015fi se bag\u0103 \u00een seam\u0103 agresiv cu orice reprezentant al sexului opus (sau al aceluia\u015fi sex, dac\u0103-s astfel orienta\u0163i) \u015fi nu scapi de interogatoriul lor extenuant prin a le spune, pur \u015fi simplu, c\u0103 nu e\u015fti \u00een c\u0103utare, ci doar prin block, ban, ignore \u015fi a\u015fa mai departe – \u015fi oamenii singuri care-s foarte ocupa\u0163i \u00een singur\u0103tatea lor \u015fi nu-\u015fi doresc sau nu pot duce responsabilitatea unei rela\u0163ii stabile.<\/p>\n
Unii tind s\u0103 confunde aceste dou\u0103 categorii, \u015fi rezultatul acestei confuzii e colec\u0163ia de brainfarts pe care v-o prezint \u00een cele ce urmeaz\u0103:<\/p>\n
1. Hai c\u0103 vrei o rela\u0163ie, dar nu recuno\u015fti.<\/strong><\/p>\n Pu\u0163ine lucruri sunt mai enervante pe lume dec\u00e2t replicile care insinueaz\u0103 c\u0103 interlocutorul sau interlocutoarea \u015ftie mai bine dec\u00e2t tine ce vrei, sau c\u0103 \u00ee\u015fi poate permite, printr-o familiaritate prost \u00een\u0163eleas\u0103, s\u0103 te fac\u0103 mincinos de la obraz. Eu sunt un om care porne\u015fte de la premisa de sinceritate oferit\u0103 \u015fi primit\u0103. \u015ei receptez insinuarea ca pe o insult\u0103.<\/p>\n Dac\u0103 adev\u0103rul meu nu e suficient de bun pentru tine, d\u0103-te-n mor\u0163ii t\u0103i \u015fi f\u0103 pe inspectorul Gadget cu altcineva. Nu am de ce s\u0103 recunosc lucruri pe care nu le simt, pentru c\u0103 nu am de ce s\u0103 induc \u00een eroare pe nimeni. \u015ei simplul fapt c\u0103 \u00ee\u0163i imaginezi c\u0103 toat\u0103 lumea e la fel, doar c\u0103 unii mint s\u0103 par\u0103 diferi\u0163i e un semnal de alarm\u0103. “Aten\u0163ie. Aici zace un minereu dens \u015fi consistent de prostie beh\u0103itoare. Sta\u0163i \u00een b\u0103ncile voastre.”<\/p>\n 2. \u015etiu un b\u0103iat foarte dr\u0103gu\u0163, serios, cu bani \u015fi cu p*la foarte mare. <\/strong><\/p>\n Really, not really. Presupunerea c\u0103 noi, \u0103\u015ftia singuri, suntem handicapa\u0163i \u015fi nu \u015ftim s\u0103 ag\u0103\u0163\u0103m \u015fi singuri e de-a dreptul jignitoare pentru inteligen\u0163\u0103.<\/p>\n C\u00e2nd am f\u0103cut advertorialul \u0103la cu speed dating pe blog, \u00een care m-am dat “c\u0103ut\u0103toare”, opt din unsprezece tipi m-au vrut \u015fi \u015fapte mi-au dat punctaj maxim. \u015etiu s\u0103 combin un tip, dac\u0103 \u00eemi propun. Nu e cazul s\u0103 fii tu doamna infirmier\u0103 care duce banana la gura pacientului, c\u0103 nu se descurc\u0103 s\u0103 nimereasc\u0103 mo\u0163ul.<\/p>\n Uneori, singur\u0103tatea unui om e din op\u0163iune, \u015fi e cazul s\u0103 respec\u0163i asta.<\/p>\n 3. Eu la v\u00e2rsta ta eram m\u0103ritat\u0103, aveam opt copii \u015fi doi c\u00e2ini. <\/strong><\/p>\n Dar eu la v\u00e2rsta mea am cinci titluri publicate \u015fi un blog iubit de popor. Fiecare cu ce\u00a0 \u015ftim s\u0103 facem. Nu exist\u0103 \u00eentre noi un concurs de \u00eempuit, sau dac\u0103 exist\u0103 un asemenea concurs, eu nu m-am \u00eenscris la el. Mi se f\u00e2lf\u00e2ie amplu \u015fi glorios ce f\u0103ceai tu la v\u00e2rsta mea.<\/p>\n La o v\u00e2rst\u0103 mai mic\u0103 dec\u00e2t a mea, Janis Joplin murea de o supradoz\u0103 de heroin\u0103. La v\u00e2rsta mea, Marilyn Monroe se sinucidea cu barbiturice. Noroc c\u0103 nu facem toat\u0103 lumea acelea\u015fi lucruri la acelea\u015fi v\u00e2rste.<\/p>\n 4. \u015ei totu\u015fi, ce bine \u00ee\u0163i st\u0103 cu copii \u00een bra\u0163e. <\/strong><\/p>\n \u015ei \u0163ie cu un penis erect \u015fi v\u00e2rtos de negru \u00een\u00a0 gur\u0103, \u015fi totu\u015fi, nu te frec la icre s\u0103 te apuci de pornografie. Asta pentru c\u0103 \u00een\u0163eleg c\u0103 tu ai priorit\u0103\u0163ile tale.<\/p>\n 5. Oare ce simt p\u0103rin\u0163ii t\u0103i?<\/strong><\/p>\n Nu \u015ftiu, \u00eentreab\u0103-i pe ei. Sentimentele altora nu sunt problema mea \u015fi nu am de ce s\u0103 dau socoteal\u0103 pentru ele.<\/p>\n 6. Dar cine \u0163i-a fr\u00e2nt inima? <\/strong><\/p>\n M\u0103-ta. \u00cen secunda c\u00e2nd m-a anun\u0163at c\u0103 p\u0103streaz\u0103 sarcina, \u015fi c\u0103 am de pl\u0103tit pensie alimentar\u0103.<\/p>\n De unde cli\u015feul \u0103sta obosit cu inimi fr\u00e2nte \u015fi suflete moarte de Nikolai Vasilievici Gogol? Nu mi-a fr\u00e2nt-o nimeni, mersi frumos, e bine acolo unde e. Vezi s\u0103 nu \u0163i-o fr\u00e2ng\u0103 \u0163ie grija, dup\u0103 at\u00e2tea partide pasionale de amor.<\/p>\n 7. Tu de fapt vrei s\u0103 te f*\u0163i cu toat\u0103 lumea. <\/strong><\/p>\n \u015ei de sub tonul aparent de condamnare mije\u015fte speran\u0163a c\u0103 poate-poate toat\u0103 lumea te include \u015fi pe tine. Nu \u00een aceast\u0103 via\u0163\u0103.<\/p>\n S\u0103 presupunem c\u0103 da, chiar vreau s\u0103 m\u0103 f*t cu toat\u0103 lumea. Sigur, except\u00e2nd copiii, pensionarii, gravidele \u015fi militarii \u00een termen. De ce te prive\u015fte?<\/p>\n Acum s\u0103 presupunem c\u0103 nu m\u0103 intereseaz\u0103 s\u0103 m\u0103 f*t cu mai nimeni. \u00centrebarea r\u0103m\u00e2ne: de ce te prive\u015fte?<\/p>\n 8. C\u00e2nd ai f\u0103cut sex ultima oar\u0103? <\/strong><\/p>\n Aceast\u0103 \u00eentrebare era cunoscut\u0103 \u00een Mesopotamia antic\u0103 drept “momentul c\u00e2nd a murit interac\u0163iunea”. E o mitoc\u0103nie at\u00e2t de flagrant\u0103, at\u00e2t de b\u0103g\u0103cioas\u0103 \u015fi at\u00e2t de nesim\u0163it\u0103 – dac\u0103, desigur, nu e\u015fti cu cel\u0103lalt \u00een genul de amici\u0163ie \u00een care v\u0103 face\u0163i confiden\u0163e cu regularitate – \u00eenc\u00e2t ai merita un serviciu de dezinsec\u0163ie creat \u00een mod special s\u0103 te extirpe.<\/p>\n 9. Ar trebui s\u0103-\u0163i mai reduci standardele.<\/strong><\/p>\n Dac\u0103 stau de vorb\u0103 cu cineva ca tine, deja se leag\u0103n\u0103 la nivelul solului, nu \u0163i se pare?<\/p>\n Serios, singurul moment \u00een care e cazul s\u0103 te pronun\u0163i legat de standardele altuia sau alteia e acela c\u00e2nd persoana cu pricina te ia frumos de m\u00e2nu\u0163\u0103, sau de ciot, dac\u0103 ai m\u00e2nu\u0163a amputat\u0103, \u015fi zice precum urmeaz\u0103: “Honey child love baby angel, ce p\u0103rere ai tu a\u015fea legat de standardele mele? S\u0103 mai pompez heliu \u00een ele sau s\u0103 le fleo\u015fc\u0103i un pic?”.<\/p>\n Dac\u0103 individul sau individa \u015fi standardele-i m\u0103re\u0163e convie\u0163uiesc \u00een armonie \u015fi cu un num\u0103r oarecare de c\u00e2ini \u015fi pisici, e semn c\u0103 nu e nimeni curios s\u0103 afle ce crezi tu, drept care, po\u0163i s\u0103-\u0163i vezi lini\u015ftit de ale tale.<\/p>\n Plus c\u0103 op\u0163iunea de a sta singur nu \u0163ine de standarde, ci de confortul de a nu da raport. Adic\u0103 a evita exact situa\u0163ia \u00een care \u00eencerci s\u0103 m\u0103 bagi tu.<\/p>\n 10. Ce te faci c\u00e2nd \u00eemb\u0103tr\u00e2ne\u015fti? <\/strong><\/p>\n Blocul de pensionari unde am stat cu chirie era plin de b\u0103tr\u00e2ne singure. Majoritatea dup\u0103 o lung\u0103 via\u0163\u0103 de f\u0103cut ciorb\u0103 \u00een fiecare zi \u015fi cusut ciorapii g\u0103uri\u0163i ai lui Gheorghe, care uita de ziua lor de na\u015ftere, \u015fi dac\u0103 nu le b\u0103tea, era considerat pita graham cu secar\u0103 a lui Dumnezeu.<\/p>\n Blocul \u00een care locuie\u015fte maic\u0103-mea e plin v\u00e2rf de b\u0103tr\u00e2ne singure. Idem.<\/p>\n Probabil c\u0103 \u015fi blocul t\u0103u e plin de b\u0103tr\u00e2ne singure.<\/p>\n Ia la \u00eentreb\u0103ri oricare dintre aceste b\u0103tr\u00e2ne \u015fi \u00eentreab\u0103-le: dac\u0103 la 20 de ani, ar fi \u015ftiut c\u0103 vor fi aici \u015fi a\u015fa, ar mai fi ales s\u0103 slug\u0103reasc\u0103, sau ar fi ales s\u0103-\u015fi tr\u0103iasc\u0103 via\u0163a?<\/p>\n C\u0103 eu, de c\u00e2nd i-am pus maic\u0103-mii aceast\u0103 \u00eentrebare, a \u00eencetat miraculos s\u0103 m\u0103 mai frece la icre cu familie \u015fi copii.<\/p>\n \u015ei mai am vreo zece c\u0103r\u0163i de scris p\u00e2n\u0103 mor.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n S\u0103 tragem a\u015fadar o concluzie: poate c\u0103 \u00een mintea ta, tu e\u015fti o persoan\u0103 extrem de dr\u0103gu\u0163\u0103 \u015fi amabil\u0103, c\u0103 \u00eencerci s\u0103 r\u00e2nduie\u015fti vie\u0163ile altora. Dar noi, oamenii singuri, \u00ee\u0163i spunem c\u0103 ne e foarte bine a\u015fa, neor\u00e2ndui\u0163i, \u015fi prefer\u0103m s\u0103 ne iei cum suntem.<\/p>\n Mul\u0163umim anticipat.<\/p>\n Foto de Andrei P\u0103curaru.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Exist\u0103, dup\u0103 cum bine \u015ftim, dou\u0103 categorii de oameni singuri. OK, exist\u0103 multe subcategorii, dar acestea pot fi grupate \u00een aceste dou\u0103 mari categorii:...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":13309,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-14317","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/pinup.jpg?fit=1243%2C805&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14317","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=14317"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14317\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":14320,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14317\/revisions\/14320"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/13309"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=14317"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=14317"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=14317"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}