Cine spune c\u0103 n-a r\u0103cit iarna asta minte de \u00eenghea\u0163\u0103 apele. Toat\u0103 lumea \u015fi mama lor au bolit c\u00e2ine\u015fte, \u015fi printre cele mai apatice \u015fi antipatice cazuri de boal\u0103 cu n\u0103b\u0103d\u0103i s-a num\u0103rat \u015fi subsemnata.<\/p>\n
\u015ei, desigur, bolitul acut a presupus drumuri la farmacie, pentru parasinus, pastile de g\u00e2t \u015fi sirop de tuse. \u015ei drumuri la magazin pentru l\u0103m\u00e2ie \u015fi miere, dar acum nu ne pas\u0103 de astea. Ne vom referi la sursele noastre de s\u0103n\u0103tate \u015fi virtute, \u015fi ocazional de Ampullen Kur – de zi \u015fi de noapte, cum se vede \u00een foto – \u015fi anume farmacia noastr\u0103 cea de toate zilele.<\/p>\n
Unde mi\u015fun\u0103 nenum\u0103rate specimene \u015fi, printre ele, cele mai enervante sunt astea de care zic eu aici.<\/p>\n
Oamenii care stau la coad\u0103 la farmacie nu s-au dus acolo de pl\u0103cere. De obicei sufer\u0103 stoic pe mute\u015fte \u015fi caut\u0103 s\u0103 men\u0163in\u0103 \u015ftacheta polite\u0163ii la un nivel rezonabil. Din educa\u0163ie. Dar r\u0103bdarea lor e oricum pe pioneze, dup\u0103 ce a fost compostat\u0103 \u00eendelung \u015fi perpelit\u0103 la foc mic de simptomele bolii. Vor c\u00e2t mai repede acas\u0103, \u00een pat. Singurul lucru de care n-au nevoie e c\u00e2te un idiot care s\u0103 profite de neconflictualitatea bolnavului \u015fi s\u0103 prelungeasc\u0103 la infinit timpul din farmacie.<\/p>\n
6. Picatul (picata) din lun\u0103\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n “Vreau \u015fi eu pasilele alea albe rotunde pe care le ia toat\u0103 lumea pentru g\u00e2t, am uitat cum le zice. Fenil… metil… senil… cetil… hai, doamn\u0103, \u015fti\u0163i ce vreau, nu te mai uita la mine cu ochi str\u0103ini \u015fi goi. \u015ei mai e un sirop, dulce-acri\u015for ca gust, cred c\u0103 e cu l\u0103m\u00e2ie sau ceva. C\u00e2te siropuri cu l\u0103m\u00e2ie po\u0163i s\u0103 ai \u00een farmacie?”<\/p>\n Ceva mai multe dec\u00e2t m\u0103-ta. Zi o dat\u0103 ce vrei, cu DENUMIRE, \u015fi car\u0103-te.<\/p>\n 5. B\u0103g\u0103re\u0163ul (b\u0103g\u0103rea\u0163a) \u00een fa\u0163\u0103\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n \u0102sta sau asta intr\u0103 \u00een farmacie cu un aer tragic de eroin\u0103 greac\u0103 \u00een mizerie \u015fi \u00eencepe s\u0103 se vaiete zgomotos: “Aoleu, ce r\u0103u \u00eemi e. Nu mai suport.”<\/p>\n Spre deosebire de restul cozii care, nu-i a\u015fa, st\u0103 acolo doar s\u0103 danseze samba \u00een linie.<\/p>\n “V\u0103 rog, l\u0103sa\u0163i-m\u0103 s\u0103-mi iau tratamentul, uite re\u0163eta, sunt numai astea, a, da, \u015fi \u00een ultimul moment o s-o mai trimit pe farmacist\u0103 s\u0103-mi caute vitamina C, apoi ursule\u0163i nu \u015ftiu de care, apoi algocalmin, c\u00e2te un drum de fiecare, c\u0103 bine\u00een\u0163eles c\u0103 odat\u0103 ajuns la tejghea uit miraculos c\u0103 mi-era r\u0103u \u015fi nu mai suportam.<\/p>\n \u0102vaaai, Dumnezeu s\u0103 v\u0103 ajute”.<\/p>\n \u015ei pe m\u0103-ta. S\u0103 \u00eenghit\u0103 data viitoare.<\/p>\n 4. Moroc\u0103nosul profesionist\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Sunt unii pacien\u0163i care sunt perpetuu furio\u015fi \u015fi r\u0103cnitori. Nu zic, \u015fi noi restul ne sim\u0163im r\u0103u, c\u0103 de-aia suntem la farmacie, dar bruma aia de \u015fapte ani de acas\u0103 ne oblig\u0103 s\u0103 d\u0103m bine\u0163e, s\u0103 cerem politicos ce ne trebuie, s\u0103 refuz\u0103m politicos ce \u00eencearc\u0103 farmacista s\u0103 ne v\u00e2nd\u0103 pe l\u00e2ng\u0103, pentru c\u0103 are comision, \u015fi s\u0103 zicem pe un ton civilizat “la revedere”.<\/p>\n Moroc\u0103nosul profesionist (de obicei e b\u0103rbat) m\u00e2r\u00e2ie la oamenii din coad\u0103, de dinaintea \u015fi din spatele lui, eventual se \u015fi \u00eempinge pentru c\u0103, nu-i a\u015fa, str\u0103mo\u015fii lui au luptat la Posada \u015fi la C\u0103lug\u0103reni cu procle\u0163ii mi\u015fei, \u015fi \u00eencepe s\u0103 \u0163ipe la farmacist\u0103: “Vreau \u015fi eu Pizdenol forte, dar s\u0103 nu fie din \u0103la german scump, s\u0103 fie din \u0103la rom\u00e2nesc ieftin, c\u0103 v\u0103 \u015ftiu eu pe voi ce manevre face\u0163i!!” pe un ton care spune: “Curvo, mi-ai jurat credin\u0163\u0103 \u00een biseric\u0103 \u015fi acum te fu\u0163i cu Vasile!”<\/p>\n “Dar de ce s\u0103 pl\u0103tesc pentru Pizdenol forte? Nu e compensat?”<\/p>\n “E compensat cu 50%, domnule. Asta \u00eenseamn\u0103 c\u0103 pl\u0103ti\u0163i jum\u0103tate de pre\u0163.”<\/p>\n “Asta ai inventat-o tu acum! Pizdenol forte a fost \u00eentotdeauna gratuit!”<\/p>\n \u015ei \u00een timpul \u0103sta, o coad\u0103 \u00eentreag\u0103 trece de pe un picior pe cel\u0103lalt, \u015fi bate tactul cu tocul \u00een podea, p\u00e2n\u0103 \u00ee\u015fi face gigel criza de nervi, apoi se car\u0103 bomb\u0103nind: “Re-a\u0163i ai dreacu de zdren\u0163e penale!”<\/p>\n \u015ei m\u0103-ta, gigele. Dac\u0103 era ceva mai indisponibil\u0103 pentru tiri\u015fti, poate avea timp s\u0103-\u0163i dedice \u015fi nu erai a\u015fa de recalcitrant.<\/p>\n 3. Pensionara nevorbit\u0103\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n To\u0163i a\u0163i prins-o \u00een fa\u0163a voastr\u0103 la coad\u0103 la farmacie. \u015ei de ce am pus-o mai sus de Gigel nervos? C\u0103 Gigel nervos \u00ee\u015fi face num\u0103rul \u015fi se car\u0103 \u00een mor\u0163ii lui, pe c\u00e2nd pe pensionara nevorbit\u0103 o uit\u0103 Dumnezeu v\u0103ic\u0103rindu-se. Lung, interminabil, de toate bolile p\u0103m\u00e2ntului \u015fi c\u00e2teva aduse din spa\u0163iul cosmic, special pentru ea. \u015ei \u00ee\u0163i descrie toate durerile, la ce or\u0103 au \u00eenceput, cum s-au manifestat, c\u00e2t au durat, cu c\u00e2t la sut\u0103 s-au intensificat \u015fi nu, nu au \u00eencetat, c\u0103 o mai chinuie \u015fi acum, \u015fi o vor chinui p\u00e2n\u0103-n ora final\u0103 c\u00e2nd va spune adio acestei vie\u0163i mizerabile \u015fi va p\u0103\u015fi pe t\u0103r\u00e2murile cu ve\u015fnic\u0103 verdea\u0163\u0103.<\/p>\n Iar tu te ui\u0163i exasperat la ceas \u015fi-\u0163i zici: “Mul\u0163umesc, Doamne, pentru aceast\u0103 boal\u0103, c\u0103 dac\u0103 aveam de ajuns undeva, \u00eent\u00e2rziam.”<\/p>\n Mereu, pensionara nevorbit\u0103 are nevoie de o coad\u0103 de minimum zece persoane s\u0103-\u015fi fac\u0103 spectacolul. Face \u015fi tehnici de captatio benevolentiae, caut\u0103 s\u0103-i implice \u015fi pe ceilal\u0163i coda\u015fi \u00een spectacol:<\/p>\n “\u0102h\u0103\u0103i, c\u00e2nd eram eu t\u00e2n\u0103r\u0103 ca tine, nu m\u0103 durea nimica.”<\/p>\n Eu, una, abia a\u015ftept s\u0103 fac 70 de ani. E uimitor c\u00e2t bullshit \u00eei \u00eenghite lumea unei femei de 70 de ani, doar pentru c\u0103 le e ru\u015fine de v\u00e2rsta ei. Oameni\u00a0 bolnavi de abia se \u0163in pe dou\u0103 picioare, cu ochii ie\u015fi\u0163i din cap, stau \u015fi sufer\u0103 stoic, \u00een timp ce pensionara, care dup\u0103 tonus \u015fi ritmul vorbirii, debordeaz\u0103 de energie, p\u0103l\u0103vr\u0103ge\u015fte jum\u0103tate de or\u0103, f\u0103r\u0103 s\u0103-i spun\u0103 nimeni: “Da’ mai taci, cucoan\u0103.”<\/p>\n 2. Tipul venit la ag\u0103\u0163at\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n \u00cendeob\u015fte, e ur\u00e2t cu crengi. Trebuie s\u0103 fii ur\u00e2t cu crengi, s\u0103-\u0163i cau\u0163i urm\u0103toarea victim\u0103 erotic\u0103 \u00eentr-o farmacie. Dar a citit pe un forum de pickup c\u0103 b\u0103rbatul trebuie s\u0103 practice ag\u0103\u0163atul ziua \u015fi noaptea, \u00een orice context propice sau impropice, \u015fi, prin urmare, \u00ee\u015fi arunc\u0103 ochii frem\u0103t\u0103tori pe farmaciste.<\/p>\n Le complimenteaz\u0103 p\u0103rul, bijuteriile, ochii, albul impecabil al halatului.<\/p>\n Le spune c\u0103 accentul lor moldovenesc e interesant.<\/p>\n Le \u00eentreab\u0103 dac\u0103 e adev\u0103rat ce se spune despre moldovence.<\/p>\n C\u00e2nd farmacista \u00eentreab\u0103 ce se spune despre moldovence, tu\u015fe\u015fte semnificativ, a suspans.<\/p>\n Farmacista, vizibil incomodat\u0103, \u00eel \u00eentreab\u0103 cu ce s\u0103-l serveasc\u0103.<\/p>\n “Nu m\u0103 pute\u0163i servi cu ce mi-ar pl\u0103cea mie, de fa\u0163\u0103 cu at\u00e2\u0163ia oameni.”<\/p>\n Femeia \u00eel \u00eentreab\u0103 ce s\u0103-i dea din stocul farmaciei.<\/p>\n “Theraflu, doamn\u0103, c\u0103 ard pe din\u0103untru. Nu \u015fti\u0163i c\u00e2t de tare, dar poate \u00eentr-o zi o s\u0103 afla\u0163i.”<\/p>\n Femeia d\u0103 ochii discret peste cap. \u00cei d\u0103 Theraflu \u015fi sper\u0103 s\u0103 scape de el.<\/p>\n “\u015ei ave\u0163i \u015fi ceva pentru potolirea apetitului sexual insa\u0163iabil, h\u0103h\u0103?”<\/p>\n Da. Ma\u015fina timpului, s-o convingem pe m\u0103-ta s\u0103 ias\u0103 la film \u00een seara aia, chit c\u0103 ploua.<\/p>\n 1. Prietena cea mai bun\u0103 a farmacistei\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Uneori, Dumnezeu are chef de mi\u015ftouri crude \u015fi, exact \u00eenaintea ta la coad\u0103 e Nu\u0163i. Nu\u0163i care e sor\u0103 de cruce cu Victori\u0163a, farmacista din fa\u0163a voastr\u0103. Nu\u0163i are familie mare, probleme multe, nu mai \u015ftie ce s\u0103 g\u0103teasc\u0103, copilul nu vrea nicicum s\u0103 \u00eenve\u0163e, numai la jocuri pe calculator \u00eei st\u0103 mintea, ce s\u0103-i fac, tu, fat\u0103, noi nu eram a\u015fa, na\u015ful s-a operat la Fundeni, soro, ce mizerie e \u00een spitalele alea, Dumnezeule mare p\u0103ze\u015fte-m\u0103, Isuse, ia volanul, \u015fi trebuie s\u0103 fac coliv\u0103 c\u0103 se apropie parastasul lui F\u0103nel, Dumnezeu s\u0103-l ierte.<\/p>\n Nu\u0163i are puteri miraculoase. De cum apare, o transpune pe Victori\u0163a \u00eentr-o realitate imaginar\u0103, unde sunt 100% singure, \u015fi unde nu a\u015fteapt\u0103 nimeni cu febr\u0103 de 38 dup\u0103 ele. C\u00e2nd o vede pe Nu\u0163i, Victori\u0163a uit\u0103 de jobul ei, uit\u0103 de oameni \u015fi uit\u0103 de condi\u0163ion\u0103rile meschine ale condi\u0163iei umane.<\/p>\n Nu\u0163i \u015fi Victori\u0163a devin dou\u0103 spirite care se \u00eempreuneaz\u0103 spiralat. Cam ca pula porcului.<\/p>\n \u015ei nu-\u015fi pot am\u00e2na \u00eempreunarea spiralat\u0103 a spiritelor p\u00e2n\u0103 se car\u0103 am\u0103r\u00e2\u0163ii de la coad\u0103.<\/p>\n E implacabil.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Cine spune c\u0103 n-a r\u0103cit iarna asta minte de \u00eenghea\u0163\u0103 apele. Toat\u0103 lumea \u015fi mama lor au bolit c\u00e2ine\u015fte, \u015fi printre cele mai apatice...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":14524,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-14523","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/LaMer-Ampullenkur.jpg?fit=564%2C600&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14523","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=14523"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14523\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":16705,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14523\/revisions\/16705"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/14524"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=14523"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=14523"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=14523"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}