{"id":14637,"date":"2018-03-31T09:26:28","date_gmt":"2018-03-31T06:26:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/?p=14637"},"modified":"2018-03-31T12:19:10","modified_gmt":"2018-03-31T09:19:10","slug":"stiu-ce-ai-vrut-sa-spui-cu-asta","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/stiu-ce-ai-vrut-sa-spui-cu-asta\/","title":{"rendered":"\u015etiu ce-ai vrut s\u0103 spui cu asta!"},"content":{"rendered":"

Am fost \u015fi eu adolescent\u0103, ca toat\u0103 lumea. \u015ei un lucru pe care obi\u015fnuiam s\u0103-l facem \u015fi eu, \u015fi prietenele mele, \u015fi mul\u0163i al\u0163i oameni de pe p\u0103m\u00e2nt, era interpretarea de aluzii, atitudini, “ce vrea s\u0103 spun\u0103 cu asta”.<\/p>\n

Toat\u0103 lumea a fost \u00een situa\u0163ia cu pricina. S\u0103 zicem c\u0103 Monica \u015fi Rodica sunt prietene. Monic\u0103i \u00eei place la nebunie Eusebiu. Rodica e s\u0103tul\u0103 de pove\u015fti cu Eusebiu p\u00e2n\u0103 peste basc\u0103, dar e o prieten\u0103 bun\u0103 \u015fi o ascult\u0103 pe Monica, zi de zi, cu mult\u0103 r\u0103bdare.<\/p>\n

\u00centr-o zi frumoas\u0103 cu soare, Monica \u015fi Rodica se duc la mall, la un film. La coad\u0103 la popcorn, pe cine v\u0103d ele? Pe Eusebiu.<\/p>\n

Eusebiu: Bun\u0103, fetelor.<\/p>\n

Rodica: Bun\u0103.<\/p>\n

Monica: Eusebiu, ar\u0103\u0163i foarte bine azi.<\/p>\n

Eusebiu: E\u015fti tu dr\u0103gu\u0163\u0103. Vre\u0163i \u015fi voi la coad\u0103 la popcorn?<\/p>\n

Monica: Aha.<\/p>\n

Eusebiu: Doamnele mai \u00eent\u00e2i.<\/p>\n

(Se apropie o tip\u0103.)<\/p>\n

Eusebiu: Fetelor, ea e Consuela, prietena mea.<\/p>\n

\u00ce\u015fi iau Rodica \u015fi Monica popcornul \u015fi Cola, \u00ee\u015fi caut\u0103 r\u00e2ndul \u00een sal\u0103, \u015fi \u00eencepe analiza de personaj.<\/p>\n

\u00centr-un univers normal, ea ar decurge a\u015fa:<\/p>\n

Monica: Eu nu \u015ftiam c\u0103 \u0103sta are prieten\u0103.<\/p>\n

Rodica: Uite c\u0103 \u015ftii acum. Uit\u0103-l, cel pu\u0163in pe moment.<\/p>\n

Dar pe planeta p\u0103m\u00e2nt, analiza decurge a\u015fa:<\/p>\n

Monica: Fat\u0103, l-ai v\u0103zut ce frumos ne-a z\u00e2mbit c\u00e2nd ne-a v\u0103zut?<\/p>\n

Rodica: Da, da, foarte frumos.<\/p>\n

Monica: \u015ei mi-a zis c\u0103 sunt dr\u0103gu\u0163\u0103.<\/p>\n

Rodica: L-am auzit. Ce tare, te g\u0103se\u015fte dr\u0103gu\u0163\u0103.<\/p>\n

Monica: \u015ei ne-a l\u0103sat \u015fi \u00eenainte la coad\u0103.<\/p>\n

Rodica: Aha. Cool.<\/p>\n

Monica: Toate astea \u00eenseamn\u0103 c\u0103 ur\u00e2ta aia str\u00e2mb\u0103 nu \u00eenseamn\u0103 mare lucru pentru el.<\/p>\n

Rodica: P\u0103i da, dar a prezentat-o ca prietena lui.<\/p>\n

Monica: Poate e prietenie platonic\u0103. Friendzone.<\/p>\n

Rodica: Uite, chiar acum o s\u0103rut\u0103.<\/p>\n

Monica (condescendent\u0103): Nimic nu \u015ftii, fat\u0103. \u0102sta o s\u0103rut\u0103 s\u0103 m\u0103 fac\u0103 pe mine geloas\u0103.<\/p>\n

\u015ei o interac\u0163iune simpl\u0103, politicoas\u0103, e interpretat\u0103 complet denaturat, pentru c\u0103 Monica e adolescent\u0103, hormonii clocotesc, acneea infantil\u0103 e \u00een floare \u015fi, chiar dac\u0103 Eusebiu face un gang bang cu negrese \u00een fa\u0163a ei, dac\u0103 a l\u0103sat-o \u00eenainte la popcorn sigur sufer\u0103 \u00een secret din dragoste nem\u0103rturisit\u0103 de ea.<\/p>\n

Acest tip de interpretare ridicol\u0103 \u00eel au \u015fi b\u0103rba\u0163ii. S\u0103 zicem c\u0103 F\u0103nel \u00eei scrie mesaj privat Maricic\u0103i la ora 3 noaptea.<\/p>\n

-Ce faci, frumoaso?<\/p>\n

-Asta e or\u0103 de trimis mesaje, b\u0103i handicapatule? r\u0103spunde enervat\u0103 Maricica, care tocmai a luat un somnifer \u015fi se chinuie s\u0103 adoarm\u0103, numai c\u0103 a f\u0103cut “piu” mobilul din cauza lui F\u0103nel \u015fi i-a pus to\u0163i nervii de insomniac\u0103 pe bigudiuri.<\/p>\n

-Dar mi-ai r\u0103spuns \u015fi asta \u00eenseamn\u0103 c\u0103 vrei \u015fi tu un dialog! eman\u0103 F\u0103nel cel mai enervant brainfart posibil \u00een contextul dat.<\/p>\n

-B\u0103ga-mi-a\u015f pula \u00een mor\u0163ii t\u0103i de idiot rupt de realitate, susur\u0103 suav Maricica.<\/p>\n

-Te place, coaie, decreteaz\u0103 a doua zi tovar\u0103\u015ful lui F\u0103nel. Doar c\u0103 a\u015fa sunt femeile, se las\u0103 greu, s\u0103 nu par\u0103 curve. Scrie-i \u015fi \u00een seara asta, tot la trei.<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

M\u0103car \u00een cazurile de mai sus, lumea are scuza adolescen\u0163ei. Ieri, dup\u0103 ce am dat un status \u00een care invitam lumea s\u0103 nu m\u0103 streseze \u00een privat, intervine o cucoan\u0103 de vreo 40 de ani.<\/p>\n

“Vai, ce tertip dr\u0103gu\u0163 \u015fi feminin, s\u0103-i inci\u0163i \u015fi s\u0103-i \u00eenfierb\u00e2n\u0163i.”<\/p>\n

Ceee?<\/p>\n

“Tu de fapt VREI s\u0103-\u0163i scrie \u0103\u015ftia.”<\/p>\n

S\u0103 mori tu.<\/p>\n

“E o modalitate subtil\u0103 de a exprima interes, neg\u00e2ndu-l.”<\/p>\n

WHAT. THE. FUCK.<\/p>\n

C\u00e2nd adolescen\u0163ii fac analize din astea aberante pe l\u00e2ng\u0103 subiect, \u00een care orice ar face interlocutorul, analiza d\u0103 automat rezultatul “sigur m\u0103 place \u015fi vrea s\u0103 fim \u00eempreun\u0103, dar nu \u015ftie”, le mai g\u0103se\u015fti scuza v\u00e2rstei \u015fi a hormonilor.<\/p>\n

C\u00e2nd o fac oameni \u00een toat\u0103 firea, e un semn tragic c\u0103 au trecut anii peste ei total degeaba.<\/p>\n

\u015ei pentru to\u0163i fanii interpretatului, am urm\u0103toarea veste: Unii, dac\u0103 cerem X, chiar vrem X. Nu-mi da mesaje private dec\u00e2t dac\u0103 e vreo treab\u0103 \u00eenseamn\u0103 exact ce pare s\u0103 \u00eensemne. \u015ei e \u00eengrozitoooor de iritant: “Las\u0103, c\u0103 tu de fapt vrei Y.” E ca \u015fi cum te-ar face cineva cretin \u00een fa\u0163\u0103.<\/p>\n

Drept care, hai s\u0103 aprindem lumina \u015fi s\u0103 ne organiz\u0103m:<\/p>\n

Monico, Eusebiu era doar politicos.<\/p>\n

F\u0103nele, Maricica nu d\u0103 doi bani pe tine.<\/p>\n

Tanti, realmente nu m\u0103 intereseaz\u0103 s\u0103 incit \u015fi s\u0103 excit pe nimeni. Sunt un simplu scriitor – actor cu un site simpatic, care e deranjat de relativ mult\u0103 lume \u00een mesaje private nedorite \u015fi caut\u0103 s\u0103 seteze limite.<\/p>\n

Nu e nimic ascuns \u015fi nimic abscons.<\/p>\n

Iar singurul r\u0103spuns corect, de fapt, al \u00eentreb\u0103rii “ce-a vrut s\u0103 spun\u0103 autorul?” este:<\/p>\n

-Exact ce a spus. \u015ei dac\u0103 nu erai ocupat\u0103 cu interpretatul, chiar aflai.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

\u00ce\u0163i plac textele Trollywood? Po\u0163i sus\u0163ine \u015fi tu proiectul.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Am fost \u015fi eu adolescent\u0103, ca toat\u0103 lumea. \u015ei un lucru pe care obi\u015fnuiam s\u0103-l facem \u015fi eu, \u015fi prietenele mele, \u015fi mul\u0163i al\u0163i...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":13989,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-14637","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/01\/Anger-is-okay-e1515114634925.png?fit=271%2C253&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14637","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=14637"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14637\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":14639,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14637\/revisions\/14639"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/13989"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=14637"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=14637"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=14637"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}