{"id":16189,"date":"2018-12-06T11:53:03","date_gmt":"2018-12-06T08:53:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/?p=16189"},"modified":"2018-12-06T15:55:46","modified_gmt":"2018-12-06T12:55:46","slug":"cum-te-porti-de-mos-nicolae-in-functie-de-zodie","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/cum-te-porti-de-mos-nicolae-in-functie-de-zodie\/","title":{"rendered":"Cum te por\u0163i de Mo\u0219 Nicolae, \u00een func\u021bie de zodie"},"content":{"rendered":"

Nu credeam s\u0103-nv\u0103\u021b a astrologa vreodat\u0103. Apoi am scris acest horoscop de o rar\u0103 fabulo\u0219enie, intitulat “Cum r\u0103spunzi la ur\u0103ri \u00een func\u021bie de zodie”<\/a><\/strong>, \u0219i subit, a explodat blogul.<\/p>\n

“C\u00e2t adev\u0103r, frate!”<\/p>\n

(Adev\u0103rul)<\/p>\n

“A\u015fa ceva nici noi nu putem inventa.”<\/p>\n

(sputnik.md)<\/p>\n

“Jos statul paralel!”<\/p>\n

(Antena 3.)<\/p>\n

Ok, ok, poate exagerez un pic, dar ideea e c\u0103 v-a pl\u0103cut tare, un procent rezonabil dintre voi a gustat gluma, \u015fi cum eu sunt complet deschis\u0103 s\u0103 m\u0103 joc frumos cu voi, except\u00e2nd cazurile c\u00e2nd v\u0103 \u0163\u00e2fno\u015fi\u0163i la mine \u015fi pe acelea c\u00e2nd vre\u0163i s\u0103 m\u0103 *flutura\u015f”<\/a>\u00a0,\u00a0<\/strong>revin cu episod tematic.<\/p>\n

Cum v\u0103 purta\u0163i de Mo\u015f Nicolae, \u00een func\u0163ie de zodie.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Desigur, horoscop extrem de adev\u0103rat, s\u0103 mor io dac\u0103 v\u0103 mint, citesc \u00een stele ca-n abecedar, etc.<\/p>\n

Berbecul\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Mesaj pe la 20.35.<\/p>\n

“Te pup, iubita, sunt cu doi tovar\u0103\u015fi la o c\u00e2rcium\u0103. Voiam doar s\u0103-\u0163i spun c\u0103 m\u0103 cac pe \u015fosetele, napolitanele \u015fi vinul la reducere pe care mi le-ai luat \u015fi anul \u0103sta. Nu m\u0103 intereseaz\u0103 s\u0103 m\u0103 prefac \u00eenc\u00e2ntat. Pune o \u015fub\u0103 pe tine \u015fi mi\u015fc\u0103-\u0163i fesele alea osoase p\u00e2n\u0103 aici, c\u0103 e distrac\u0163ie. \u015ei am nevoie de \u015fofer spre cas\u0103.”<\/p>\n

Ea sup\u0103rat\u0103:<\/p>\n

“\u00ce\u0163i iei taxi.”<\/p>\n

Bing:<\/p>\n

“Ce-s nebun? 20 de lei de taxi sunt \u00eenc\u0103 dou\u0103 beri.”<\/p>\n

Taurul\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

-Vai, drag\u0103, c\u00e2te dulciuri. N\u0163, n\u0163, voi vre\u0163i s\u0103 m\u0103 \u00eengr\u0103\u015fa\u0163i, nebunilor.<\/p>\n

(\u015ei \u00een g\u00e2nd.)<\/p>\n

“Hai, acas\u0103, toat\u0103 lumea, s\u0103 m\u0103 \u00eenmorm\u00e2ntez \u00een ele. S\u0103 le halesc pe toate dintr-o suflare. Nu de alta, dar dac\u0103 le ai sub nas, te tenteaz\u0103. Ce nu vezi, nu te sup\u0103r\u0103.”<\/p>\n

Gemenii\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Mesaj pe Whatsapp:<\/p>\n

“Ce faci, baby? Facem o nebunie de Mo\u015f Nicolae?”<\/p>\n

“Da.”<\/p>\n

“Ce ai pe tine?”<\/p>\n

“O rochi\u0163\u0103 scurt\u0103 \u015fi decoltat\u0103.”<\/p>\n

“Super! Vin cu ga\u015fca de la birou \u015fi facem o petrecere surpriz\u0103\u0103\u0103\u0103! Va fi coool! PS: d\u0103 \u015fi tu o fug\u0103 p\u00e2n\u0103 jos \u015fi ia c\u00e2teva sticle de vin, c\u00e2teva peturi de Cola \u015fi un whisky. Dau eu banii la salariu. Pup, e\u015fti zei\u0163\u0103.”<\/p>\n

Racul\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

“Habar n-ai avut ce greu mi-a fost s\u0103 g\u0103sesc ciocolat\u0103 \u00een form\u0103 de inimioare, turt\u0103 dulce \u00een form\u0103 de inimioare, fursecuri \u00een form\u0103 de inimioare \u015fi inimioar\u0103 de plu\u015f \u00een form\u0103 de inimioare \u00een perioada asta a anului.”<\/p>\n

“Dr\u0103gu\u0163, dar eu \u0163i-am luat chestii normale.”<\/p>\n

“Nu conteaz\u0103. Poate o s\u0103 ajungi \u015fi tu s\u0103 m\u0103 iube\u015fti \u00eentr-o zi. Sau o s\u0103 mor sclava iubirii \u015fi o s\u0103 scrie \u0103\u015ftia o telenovel\u0103 superb\u0103 dup\u0103 mine.Ah, \u015fi uite, am \u015fi g\u0103tit pentru tine. Bulz ciob\u0103nesc \u00een form\u0103 de inimioar\u0103.”<\/p>\n

Leul\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

“Ce-s astea, bieatch? Bomboane? Tu vii la mine cu bomboane, m\u0103? Ce-mi pun eu \u00een urechiu\u015fele astea superbe? Bomboane? Cu ce m\u0103 pulverizez pe fabulosul meu organism? Cu bomboane? Bag\u0103-\u0163i-le lent \u00een *flutura\u015f*. M\u0103car \u0103sta va fi un spectacol care s\u0103 compenseze pentru cadourile astea patetice de grupa mijlocie, cu care vii tu s\u0103 m\u0103 plictise\u015fti.<\/p>\n

Bomboane pot s\u0103-mi cump\u0103r \u015fi eu. Un vagon!”<\/p>\n

Fecioara\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

“Sincer, nu \u015ftiu c\u00e2t e de igienic s\u0103 plas\u0103m obiecte de uz alimentar \u00een ghete care, se \u015ftie, sunt cel mai murdar articol vestimentar. Nu, nu conteaz\u0103 c\u0103 nu le-ai purtat afar\u0103. \u015ei \u00een cas\u0103 au stat pe podea, care e terenul cel mai plin de bacterii.<\/p>\n

Da, ok, ok, e tradi\u0163ie. P\u0103i m\u0103 apuc acum s\u0103 le frec \u00een alcool, \u00een o\u0163et \u015fi \u00een Domestos – Cif – Axion – Dero – Sano, s\u0103 m\u0103 asigur c\u0103-s curate. Arat\u0103 m\u00e2inile. Nu e bine, eu frec la ghetele astea de trei sferturi de or\u0103 \u015fi tu e\u015fti murdar pe m\u00e2ini?”<\/p>\n

Balan\u0163a\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

“Dar dac\u0103 n-o s\u0103 le plac\u0103 cadourile mele? Dar dac\u0103 sunt la diet\u0103, dac\u0103 au diabet, dac\u0103 au ciroz\u0103 hepatic\u0103 \u015fi pralinele mele confec\u0163ionate artizanal vor fi calea lor spre pierzanie?<\/p>\n

Dar dac\u0103 o s\u0103 m\u0103 \u00een\u0163eleag\u0103 gre\u015fit, \u015fi o s\u0103 cread\u0103 c\u0103 eu de fapt sugerez prin acest cadou c\u0103 nu-i respect suficient? Dar dac\u0103 trebuia ceva non-alimentar, ceva frumos, care s\u0103 r\u0103m\u00e2n\u0103? Nu, pentru c\u0103 dup\u0103 aia ziceau c\u0103 m\u0103 dau snoab\u0103.<\/p>\n

De ce, Dumnezeule, nu ne dai un cititor de g\u00e2nduri, s\u0103 ghicim ce vrea fiecare, \u015fi s\u0103 nu ne mai fr\u0103m\u00e2nt\u0103m at\u00e2t?”<\/p>\n

“Fiule \/ fiica mea, ruga ta a fost auzit\u0103. \u0162ine un cititor de g\u00e2nduri.”<\/p>\n

“Ahaa, deci vrea o undi\u0163\u0103 nou\u0103 \u015fi un set complet de c\u00e2rlige. OMG. Dar dac\u0103 i le dau, \u015fi o s\u0103 m\u0103 cread\u0103 creepy c\u0103 i-am citit g\u00e2ndurile? C\u0103 o s\u0103 par\u0103 suspect c\u0103 m-am prins chiar a\u015fa, nu-i a\u015fa?”<\/p>\n

Scorpionul\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

“Pentru mine, singurul am\u0103nunt interesant de mo\u015f Nicolae e nuiaua. Mmmmm, c\u00e2t \u00eemi place lung\u0103, aspr\u0103 \u015fi cu noduri. Da, ok, pute\u0163i s-o trage\u0163i \u015fi \u00een staniol, e mai amuzant a\u015fa.”<\/p>\n

S\u0103get\u0103torul\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

“A, azi era s\u0103rb\u0103toare sau ceva? M\u0103 \u015ftii c\u0103 nu le am cu ortodoxismele astea sau ceva. Hai la o bere.”<\/p>\n

“Nu se poate, man, m\u0103 \u015ftii, familia…”<\/p>\n

“P\u0103i n-am murit noi la referendum special s\u0103 desfiin\u0163\u0103m familia sau ceva?”<\/p>\n

“Nu chiar”.<\/p>\n

“Pfff, oricum nu m\u0103 intereseaz\u0103 activismele astea sau ceva. Eu salvez planeta. Sau ceva.”<\/p>\n

Capricornul<\/strong><\/p>\n

“Azi avem mas\u0103 mare \u00een familie. S\u0103 nu dea dracu s\u0103 nu veni\u0163i, am g\u0103tit patru zile special pentru voi. Da, da, s\u0103 fi\u0163i aici la ora \u015fapte fix. F\u0103r\u0103 \u00eent\u00e2rzieri, c\u0103 vin special dup\u0103 voi \u015fi v\u0103 aduc de guler. \u015ei aduce\u0163i \u015fi voi un vin ok, c\u0103 data trecut\u0103 a\u0163i venit cu po\u015firca aia \u015fi mi-a\u0163i pus ficatul \u00een formol. Mai bine l\u0103sa\u0163i vinul. Aduce\u0163i mu\u015ftar, pe \u0103la nu ave\u0163i cum s\u0103-l gre\u015fi\u0163i. Dar s\u0103 n-aib\u0103 hrean.”<\/p>\n

V\u0103rs\u0103torul\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

“Ce om interesant a fost Mo\u015f Nicolae \u0103sta. \u015etiai c\u0103 a tr\u0103it \u00een secolul al IV-lea \u015fi a fost un om bogat care salva copii s\u0103raci de foame? Poate c\u0103 \u0103sta ar trebui s\u0103 fie spiritul s\u0103rb\u0103torii. S\u0103 nu ne mai d\u0103m Kinder cu surprize \u00eentre noi, ci s\u0103 \u00eemp\u0103r\u0163im Kinder cu surprize la to\u0163i copiii s\u0103raci din Bucure\u015fti. S\u0103 fim o lume mai bun\u0103. Dar \u00eencepem de m\u00e2ine, c\u0103 am fumat un cui acum \u015fi mi-e o stare de un bine transcendental \u015fi metafizic. V\u0103d pisici roz dans\u00e2nd vals vienez \u00eentr-un palat de cristal.”<\/p>\n

Pe\u015ftii\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

“De ce toate s\u0103rb\u0103torile trebuie s\u0103 fie iarna, c\u00e2nd ne curg mucii, \u015fi avem nasul ro\u015fu, \u015fi tu\u015fim, \u015fi expector\u0103m \u015fi toate hainele ne fac s\u0103 ar\u0103t\u0103m gra\u015fi?<\/p>\n

\u015ei de ce s\u0103-\u015fi dea oamenii dulciuri unul altuia? E ca \u015fi cum s-ar condamna reciproc la diabet, carii dentare \u015fi moarte prematur\u0103.<\/p>\n

Dac\u0103 ajung eu vreodat\u0103 regele lumii, oamenii \u00ee\u015fi vor d\u0103rui unul altuia numai c\u0103p\u0103\u0163\u00e2ni de broccoli \u015fi buche\u0163ele de arugula \u015fi baby spanac.”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

\u00ce\u0163i plac textele Trollywood? Po\u0163i sus\u0163ine \u015fi tu proiectul.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

***
\nVrei s\u0103 m\u0103 urm\u0103re\u015fti \u00een social media? \u00cemi po\u0163i da like pe Facebook<\/strong><\/a>, follow pe Twitter<\/a><\/strong> \u015fi Instagram<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Nu credeam s\u0103-nv\u0103\u021b a astrologa vreodat\u0103. Apoi am scris acest horoscop de o rar\u0103 fabulo\u0219enie, intitulat “Cum r\u0103spunzi la ur\u0103ri \u00een func\u021bie de zodie”,...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":16190,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-16189","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/12\/lol1.jpg?fit=673%2C373&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16189","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=16189"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16189\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":16196,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16189\/revisions\/16196"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/16190"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=16189"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=16189"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=16189"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}