{"id":17800,"date":"2019-06-20T11:24:01","date_gmt":"2019-06-20T08:24:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/?p=17800"},"modified":"2019-06-20T11:24:01","modified_gmt":"2019-06-20T08:24:01","slug":"imparatia-parului-tau","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/imparatia-parului-tau\/","title":{"rendered":"\u00cemp\u0103r\u0103\u021bia p\u0103rului t\u0103u"},"content":{"rendered":"

Vasile era un om simplu. Tot ce-\u0219i dorea de la via\u021b\u0103 avea deja: o via\u021b\u0103 lini\u0219tit\u0103 \u00eentr-o garsonier\u0103, \u00een compania bl\u00e2nd\u0103 \u0219i alint\u0103toare a patrupedului s\u0103u preferat. Un bl\u0103nos catifelat al c\u0103rui tors dezlega farmece, vindeca blesteme \u0219i anula banuri pe Facebook. M\u0103 rog, ultima parte e doar fic\u021biune, pentru c\u0103 nu exist\u0103 condamnare mai definitiv\u0103 \u0219i mai irevocabil\u0103 dec\u00e2t banul pe Facebook, dar ce nu facem noi de dragul unei metafore reu\u0219ite. <\/p>\n

Apoi, a dat prima canicul\u0103 a anotimpului. <\/p>\n

Vasile ajunse acas\u0103 dup\u0103 o zi lung\u0103 de munc\u0103. Deschise u\u0219a \u0219i p\u0103\u0219i pe mocheta groas\u0103, neagr\u0103. <\/p>\n

“Dar stai”, percut\u0103 creierul lui, “eu nu aveam covor pe jos”. <\/p>\n

Ei, acum ai. \u015ei o s\u0103 tot ai c\u00e2t dureaz\u0103 sezonul de n\u0103p\u00e2rlire prim\u0103var\u0103 – var\u0103 2019. <\/p>\n

Vasile nu apuc\u0103 s\u0103 se mire prea lung, c\u0103 ap\u0103ru \u015fi bestia c\u0103\u0163\u0103r\u0103toare. Care se urc\u0103 prompt p\u00e2n\u0103 \u00een bra\u0163ele lui Vasile, \u00eencepu s\u0103-\u015fi frece \u00eentreaga existen\u0163\u0103 de fa\u0163a lui, \u015fi s\u0103 zb\u00e2rn\u00e2ie ca o r\u00e2\u015fni\u0163\u0103 de cafea comunist\u0103. <\/p>\n

Dup\u0103 un astfel de episod de iubire \u00eentre specii, Vasile sim\u0163i c\u0103 nu poate respira. C\u0103 are dop de p\u0103r \u00een nas. Se uit\u0103 \u00een oglind\u0103 \u015fi s\u0103ri \u00een sus speriat. <\/p>\n

De nic\u0103ieri, \u00eei r\u0103s\u0103rise o barb\u0103 de c\u0103lug\u0103r ortodox. Care i se \u00eentindea responsabil pe toat\u0103 lungimea pieptului, ca orice barb\u0103 ortodox\u0103 care se respect\u0103. <\/p>\n

Vasile \u00ee\u015fi lu\u0103 buretele de baie, \u00eel umezi, \u015fi \u00ee\u015fi \u00eendep\u0103rt\u0103 de pe fa\u0163\u0103 un pumn \u00eentreg de p\u0103r, \u00een timp de fiara se lingea con\u015ftiincios. <\/p>\n

“Ooo, nu face asta. Pfff, prea t\u00e2rziu. Anticipez sunet specific de vomitat \u00een 3, 2, 1… pfchhh.” <\/p>\n

Eternul ghem de p\u0103r. Care \u00een restul anului era a\u015fa, o dat\u0103 la c\u00e2teva zile, dar \u00een perioada primei canicule era ca sexul \u00een luna de miere: c\u00e2t mai des \u015fi c\u00e2t mai fioros. <\/p>\n

Vasile lu\u0103 o can\u0103, extrase din ea fire de p\u0103r rebele pe care un v\u00e2nticel \u015f\u0103galnic le adusese p\u00e2n\u0103 sus pe masa din buc\u0103t\u0103rie, o cl\u0103ti temeinic, \u00ee\u015fi f\u0103cu o cafea \u015fi se apuc\u0103 s\u0103 dea cu aspiratorul. <\/p>\n

De\u015fi \u015ftia c\u0103 o face doar ca s\u0103 bifeze activitate. \u00cen exact jum\u0103tate de or\u0103, covorul de p\u0103r negru va fi exact unde fusese \u015fi anume: pe tot parchetul, mese, scaune, dulapuri. \u015ei desigur, \u00een anusul lui Vasile. <\/p>\n

\u00cen schimb, dac\u0103 n-ar fi f\u0103cut-o, nivelul p\u0103rului ar fi crescut treptat la Vasile \u00een garsonier\u0103 \u015fi ar fi sufocat orice form\u0103 de via\u0163\u0103 \u015fi oper\u0103. <\/p>\n

Dup\u0103 ce termin\u0103 de adunat grosul, Vasile se uit\u0103 enigmatic la bestia care profita de podeaua goal\u0103 s\u0103 se frece cu labele-n sus \u015fi s\u0103 lase al doilea strat de p\u0103r. <\/p>\n

-F\u0103, animalo. Vreau s\u0103 \u015ftiu \u015fi eu ceva, a\u015fa pentru cultura mea generoas\u0103. Exi\u015fti \u015fi un tu, pe acolo, pe undeva, sub toate straturile astea interminabile de blan\u0103? <\/p>\n

-Prrrr, r\u0103spunse extrem de relaxat\u0103 creatura. <\/p>\n

-Data viitoare adopt un sfinx, conchise resemnat Vasile. <\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

\u00ce\u0163i plac textele Trollywood? Po\u0163i sus\u0163ine \u015fi tu proiectul.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Vrei s\u0103 m\u0103 urm\u0103re\u015fti \u00een social media? \u00cemi po\u0163i da like pe Facebook<\/strong><\/a>, follow pe Twitter<\/a><\/strong> \u015fi Instagram<\/a><\/strong>. Sau, mai nou, devino parte a comunit\u0103\u021bii mele pe Reddit<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Vasile era un om simplu. Tot ce-\u0219i dorea de la via\u021b\u0103 avea deja: o via\u021b\u0103 lini\u0219tit\u0103 \u00eentr-o garsonier\u0103, \u00een compania bl\u00e2nd\u0103 \u0219i alint\u0103toare a...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":17157,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-17800","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/04\/cat1.jpg?fit=640%2C425&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17800","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=17800"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17800\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":17801,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17800\/revisions\/17801"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/17157"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=17800"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=17800"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=17800"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}