Bine, \u00eentre a stabili c\u0103 o s\u0103 mai facem \u015fi \u00eentre a o face propriu-zis trec uneori luni \u00een \u015fir, de aceea trebuie s\u0103 scriu introduceri lungi, cum e cea de fa\u0163\u0103.<\/p>\n
S-o scurt\u0103m.<\/p>\n
Vara e pe duc\u0103, \u015fi oricum n-ai prea sim\u0163it-o, c\u0103 a fost frig ca-n Siberia. Dar dup\u0103 un an de munc\u0103 pe rupte, care te-a \u00eennobilat de mai ai un pic \u015fi faci s\u00e2nge mai albastru dec\u00e2t Vorone\u0163ul, meri\u0163i \u015fi tu o vacan\u0163\u0103.<\/p>\n
Desigur, nu e a\u015fa de simplu. C\u0103 mai ai \u015fi zodia, care te \u00eencurc\u0103. Sau te descurc\u0103, dup\u0103 caz.<\/p>\n
Berbecul\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Berbecul munce\u015fte ca un dement obsedat luni \u00een \u015fir. Apoi, are vacan\u0163\u0103 fix \u00een momentul \u00een care i se scoal\u0103 lui sau ei c\u0103 vrea o vacan\u0163\u0103.<\/p>\n “Alo, Rodica? Azi nu vin la munc\u0103, am un c\u00e2rcel \u00een coiul st\u00e2ng \/ \u0163\u00e2\u0163a st\u00e2ng\u0103. Nu \u015ftiu, frate, te descurci. Atunci demisionez, curv\u0103 proast\u0103. E mai bine a\u015fa, sau facem \u00een a\u015fa fel \u00eenc\u00e2t s\u0103-mi dai o s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2n\u0103 vacan\u0163\u0103, \u00eencep\u00e2nd de acum cinci minute?”<\/p>\n Taurul\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Taurul \u00ee\u015fi planific\u0103 grijuliu vacan\u0163a. Bilete de avion cump\u0103rate mult \u00een avans, s\u0103 fie; hotel rezervat, cu verificare de dou\u0103 – trei ori, s\u0103 fie. Mese rezervate, la toate c\u00e2rciumile la care \u015ftie c\u0103 se va duce, s\u0103 fie.<\/p>\n “\u015ei sigur o s\u0103 ave\u0163i v\u00e2nat proasp\u0103t, c\u0103 asta inten\u0163ionez s\u0103 comand, da? Doar \u00eentrebam, nu trebuie s\u0103 reac\u0163iona\u0163i a\u015fa.”<\/p>\n Gemenii\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n “Hai s\u0103 ne bem cafeaua de diminea\u0163\u0103 la Viena.”<\/p>\n \u0102\u0103\u0103\u0103… eu… am treab\u0103?<\/p>\n “Treaba poate s\u0103 a\u015ftepte. Am luat biletele astea dou\u0103 de avion la reducere pe OLX \u015fi vreau s\u0103 fugim \u00eempreun\u0103 \u00een lume, av\u00e2nd la noi doar chilo\u0163i, periu\u0163a de din\u0163i \u015fi un z\u00e2mbet.”<\/p>\n Poate \u015fi buletinul?<\/p>\n “Oh, fuck, pe \u0103la l-am pierdut s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2na trecut\u0103 \u00een Vam\u0103.”<\/p>\n Racul<\/strong><\/p>\n -Unde te duci \u00een vacan\u0163\u0103, Aurel?<\/p>\n La bunica, la \u0163ar\u0103, printre vi\u015finii b\u0103tr\u00e2ni, s\u0103 m\u00e2nc\u0103m gri\u015f cu lapte ca-n copil\u0103rie.<\/p>\n Anul urm\u0103tor.<\/p>\n -Unde te duci \u00een vacan\u0163\u0103, Aurel?<\/p>\n La bunica, la \u0163ar\u0103, printre vi\u015finii b\u0103tr\u00e2ni, s\u0103 m\u00e2nc\u0103m gri\u015f cu lapte ca-n copil\u0103rie.<\/p>\n Anul urm\u0103tor.<\/p>\n -Unde te duci \u00een vacan\u0163\u0103, Aurel?<\/p>\n La bunica, la \u0163ar\u0103, printre vi\u015finii b\u0103tr\u00e2ni, s\u0103 m\u00e2nc\u0103m gri\u015f cu lapte ca-n copil\u0103rie.<\/p>\n -B\u0103i, Aurele, dar \u015ftii c\u0103 exist\u0103 o lume larg\u0103 plin\u0103 de…<\/p>\n -Nu. Dac\u0103 nu dorm pe perna de puf de g\u00e2sc\u0103 l\u0103sat\u0103 mo\u015ftenire de str\u0103bunica mea M\u0103riu\u0163a, Dumnezeu s\u0103-i odihneasc\u0103 osemintele, nu m\u0103 odihnesc.<\/p>\n Leul\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n “…\u015fi o s\u0103 zbur\u0103m la clasa I, apoi ne caz\u0103m \u00een apartamentul nup\u0163ial de la Hotel Imperial \u015fi o s\u0103 avem o \u00eent\u00e2lnire privat\u0103 cu Madonna \u00een persoan\u0103.”<\/p>\n -Bine, dar tu e\u015fti muncitor \u00een construc\u0163ii.<\/p>\n -Sau e vacan\u0163\u0103, s\u0103 sim\u0163i luxul, sau nu e. Dac\u0103 nu ai zece sclavi s\u0103 fluture frunze de palmieri spre tine \u00een fiecare secund\u0103, nu te-ai distrat.<\/p>\n Fecioara<\/strong><\/p>\n Da, da, sigur, ie\u015fim la plaj\u0103, dar stai, s\u0103 verific dac\u0103 a trimis secretara raportul \u0103la de care am discutat. Alo, Claudia, po\u0163i s\u0103 m\u0103 pui \u015fi pe mine \u00een CC, te rog?<\/p>\n Vai de penisul meu, ce raport e \u0103sta? L-a\u0163i f\u0103cut la mi\u015fto dup\u0103 zece beri sau ce? E inadmisibil \u015fi total neprofesional. Alo, Claudia, trimite-mi \u015fi mie datele complete, c\u0103 am ni\u015fte ajust\u0103ri la raport.<\/p>\n \u015ei te rog s\u0103-mi forwardezi \u015fi contractul \u0103la nou, c\u0103 vreau \u015fi eu s\u0103 trec peste termeni. Mul\u0163umesc.<\/p>\n Ce veselie e-n concediu!<\/p>\n Balan\u0163a\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n “Oare ar\u0103t gras\u0103 \u00een rochia asta? Da, \u015ftiu c\u0103 am sl\u0103bit mult, c\u0103 am fost la Lorena pe blog \u015fi mi-am f\u0103cut abonament la Noom<\/strong><\/a>, dar parc\u0103 totu\u015fi, nu-mi plac \u015foldurile mele, \u015fi mi se pare mie, sau daiquiri \u0103la de ieri mi s-a plasat strategic \u00een zona bur\u0163ii?<\/p>\n Ce bine e \u00een Rom\u00e2nia, c\u0103 fluier\u0103 \u015fantieri\u015ftii dup\u0103 tine!<\/p>\n OK, e degradant pentru femei \u015fi objectifying, dar m\u0103car \u015ftii c\u0103 ar\u0103\u0163i bine.<\/p>\n Ahhaaa.<\/p>\n S\u0103 m\u0103 fardez mai intens sau mai natural? Dac\u0103 m\u0103 fardez intens, o s\u0103 cread\u0103 \u0103ia c\u0103 sunt curv\u0103, dac\u0103 m\u0103 fardez mai pu\u0163in intens, o s\u0103 cread\u0103 c\u0103 sunt o hipioat\u0103 cu p\u0103r la pi…”<\/p>\n -Mircea, la ce te g\u00e2ndeai a\u015fa serios?<\/p>\n -Eu? La nimic, ascultam marea.<\/p>\n Scorpionul.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Da, nu m\u0103 intereseaz\u0103, scumpa. Alege tu destina\u0163ia. Ce vrei tu, numai s\u0103 fie drogurile legale, sau m\u0103car u\u015for disponibile, b\u0103utura la discre\u0163ie \u015fi s\u0103 fie via\u0163\u0103 de noapte intens\u0103.<\/p>\n Ce, m\u0103, la m\u0103n\u0103stiri??? Era vorba c\u0103 mergem \u00een vacan\u0163\u0103, nu c\u0103 d\u0103m bani din buzunar \u015fi pierdem timpul nostru pre\u0163ios de relaxare s\u0103 ne frece al\u0163ii la icre cu credin\u0163a \u015fi astea.<\/p>\n N-ai destui martori ai lui Iehova pe scar\u0103, s\u0103 te frece la icre cu credin\u0163a gratuit?<\/p>\n S\u0103get\u0103torul.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n -\u015ei unde-\u0163i faci vacan\u0163a?<\/p>\n -Habar n-am. M\u0103 duc \u00een gar\u0103 \u015fi v\u0103d \u00eencotro pleac\u0103 primul tren.<\/p>\n -B\u0103i, nasol. Dac\u0103 se duce la Ciulni\u0163a?<\/p>\n -Dac\u0103 se duce la Ciulni\u0163a, ce? Mai poveste\u015fti cu oamenii de acolo. Te mai \u00eemprietene\u015fti cu tanti care m\u0103tur\u0103 str\u0103zile. \u015ei dac\u0103 nu-\u0163i place la Ciulni\u0163a, \u015ftii ce?<\/p>\n -Ce?<\/p>\n -\u015ei Ciulni\u0163a are gar\u0103.<\/p>\n Capricornul.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n -Unde mergem \u00een vacan\u0163\u0103?<\/p>\n -B\u0103i, nu \u015ftiu unde mergi tu, dar eu stau acas\u0103 \u015fi dorm.<\/p>\n -Dou\u0103 s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2ni?<\/p>\n -Da, dou\u0103 s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2ni. M\u0103 trezesc, m\u0103n\u00e2nc ceva, \u015fi m\u0103 culc la loc s\u0103 dorm.<\/p>\n -Bine, m\u0103, dar puteam s\u0103 facem un concediu frumos \u00een Paris.<\/p>\n -S\u0103 m\u0103 trezesc de diminea\u0163\u0103 pentru avion? Nu m\u0103 trezesc eu destul de diminea\u0163\u0103 pentru job? Nu, fratele meu. La avion te duci tu \u015fi cu m\u0103-ta, eu vreau s\u0103 dorm toat\u0103 vacan\u0163a.<\/p>\n -Bine, dar o s\u0103 pierzi at\u00e2tea priveli\u015fti frumoase.<\/p>\n -Habar n-ai ce priveli\u015fti frumoase visez eu c\u00e2nd dorm. S\u0103 nu dea naiba s\u0103 suni la ore t\u00e2mpite, gen diminea\u0163a… sau la pr\u00e2nz… Sau seara. Fac ur\u00e2t c\u00e2nd m\u0103 treze\u015fti din somn.<\/p>\n V\u0103rs\u0103torul.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n \u015ei \u015ftii, la C\u0103c\u0103ce\u015ftii de Deal locuie\u015fte acest b\u0103tr\u00e2n, care face miracole. Pune m\u00e2na pe om, \u015fi deodat\u0103 sim\u0163i o c\u0103ldur\u0103, \u015fi locul se vindec\u0103 miraculos.<\/p>\n -Aha, dar tu nu suferi de nimic.<\/p>\n -P\u0103i nu m\u0103 duc ca pacient, m\u0103 duc s\u0103 m\u0103 ini\u0163ieze \u00een magia lui. Asta \u00een prima s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2n\u0103. \u00cen a doua merg la castelul b\u00e2ntuit, c\u0103 vreau s\u0103 v\u0103d \u015fi eu fantoma contesei \u00eens\u00e2ngerate. Ce tare ar fi s\u0103 roste\u015fti frazele magice \u015fi s\u0103 \u00ee\u0163i apar\u0103 din spatele t\u0103u \u00een oglind\u0103, la miezul nop\u0163ii. Mi se \u00eent\u0103resc sf\u00e2rcurile numai c\u00e2nd m\u0103 g\u00e2ndesc.<\/p>\n Pe\u015ftii.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n -Fac pariu c\u0103 o s\u0103 plou\u0103 toat\u0103 ziua, \u015fi o s\u0103 trebuiasc\u0103 s\u0103 st\u0103m la hotel.<\/p>\n -Da, iubita. Dar hotelul are piscin\u0103.<\/p>\n -\u015ei fac pariu c\u0103 o s\u0103 se \u00eenfunde piscina \u015fi n-o s\u0103 ne lase s\u0103 \u00eenot\u0103m.<\/p>\n -E ok, au \u015fi masaj.<\/p>\n -Fac pariu c\u0103 exact c\u00e2nd ajungem noi o s\u0103 fac\u0103 maseurul varicel\u0103.<\/p>\n -Nu-i problem\u0103. St\u0103m \u00een camer\u0103 \u015fi ne uit\u0103m la Pornhub.<\/p>\n -Fac pariu c\u0103 o s\u0103 pice netul.<\/p>\n -Atunci ne futem noi.<\/p>\n -Fac pariu c\u0103 o s\u0103 intre room service peste noi exact c\u00e2nd m\u0103 voi apropia de singurul orgasm pe care l-a\u015f fi putut avea anul \u0103sta, dac\u0103 via\u0163a n-ar fi fost o curv\u0103 a\u015fa de rea \u015fi de pervers\u0103 cu mine, bruhuhuhu.<\/p>\n ***<\/p>\n \u00ce\u0163i plac textele Trollywood? Po\u0163i sus\u0163ine \u015fi tu proiectul.<\/p>\n ***<\/p>\n Vrei s\u0103 m\u0103 urm\u0103re\u015fti \u00een social media? \u00cemi po\u0163i da like pe Facebook<\/strong><\/a>, follow pe Twitter<\/a><\/strong> \u015fi Instagram<\/a><\/strong>. Sau, mai nou, devino parte a comunit\u0103\u021bii mele pe Reddit<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" La un moment dat, unul dintre siteurile pentru femei ne \u00eennebunea, zi de zi, cu: cum m\u0103n\u00e2nci \u00een func\u0163ie de zodie, cum bei \u00een...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":12815,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-18266","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/astro.jpg?fit=1200%2C1200&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18266","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=18266"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18266\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":18268,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18266\/revisions\/18268"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/12815"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=18266"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=18266"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=18266"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/cafea-300x300.jpg?resize=300%2C300\")
<\/a><\/p>\n