{"id":19076,"date":"2020-02-21T11:09:44","date_gmt":"2020-02-21T08:09:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/?p=19076"},"modified":"2020-02-21T11:09:44","modified_gmt":"2020-02-21T08:09:44","slug":"telefoane-vesele","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/telefoane-vesele\/","title":{"rendered":"Telefoane vesele"},"content":{"rendered":"

Era o diminea\u021b\u0103 f\u0103r\u0103 evenimente. Vasile dormea de rupea patul, ca orice om \u00eentr-o diminea\u021b\u0103 cu evenimente. C\u00e2nd deodat\u0103, sun\u0103 telefonul. Avea ca ringtone piesa Jet (pe care o g\u0103si\u021bi de achizi\u021bionat pe iTunes<\/strong><\/a> sau pe Amazon Music<\/strong><\/a>, \u0219i \u00eenc\u0103 \u00een ni\u0219te locuri, dar pentru mine e suficient at\u00e2t.)
\nVasile bomb\u0103ni ceva incert, \u0219i se \u00eentoarse cu \u00eend\u0103r\u0103tul la situa\u021bie.
\nApelantul insist\u0103. Se pare c\u0103 era important.
\nVasile oft\u0103 lung \u0219i r\u0103spunse:
\n-Alo?
\n-Cine e\u0219ti?
\n-Auzi, prietene, se o\u021b\u0103r\u00ee Vasile, tu m\u0103 suni \u0219i tu m\u0103 \u00eentrebi cine sunt? Dac\u0103 tu m\u0103 suni, se presupune c\u0103 \u0219tii.
\n-Se presupune m\u0103-ta, spune-mi cine e\u0219ti.
\n-C\u00e2nd o s\u0103 te sun eu, \u00ee\u021bi spun \u0219i cine sunt, haipa c\u0103 am de dormit \u0219i m\u0103 \u021bii.
\nVasile \u00eenchise. Telefonul sun\u0103 iar.
\n-Dac\u0103 m\u0103 suni iar s\u0103 m\u0103 \u00eentrebi cine sunt…
\n-Bun\u0103 ziua, domnule Vasile, v\u0103 reamintim c\u0103 factura…
\n-S\u0103 te fut, f\u0103, bomb\u0103ni Vasile \u0219i \u00eenchise.
\nSe p\u0103rea c\u0103 universul avea un hate boner general la somnul lui. \u00cenc\u0103p\u0103\u021b\u00e2nat, Vasile puse telefonul pe mute, se \u00eenfipse iar cu mecla \u00een pern\u0103 \u0219i-\u0219i zise:
\n-Avanti, popolo.
\nZbzzzzzz zbbbbbzzzzz zzzzzzbbbzzzzzz.
\nCei care spun c\u0103 pot dormi cu telefonul pe mute sunt oameni pe care nu-i sun\u0103 nimeni. Cumva, b\u00e2z\u00e2itul \u0103la era chiar mai enervant dec\u00e2t Jet la sonor maxim.
\n-Aloooo!
\n-Nu mi-ai spus cine e\u0219ti, se auzi vocea de prima oar\u0103.
\n-Sunt m\u0103-ta, b\u0103i, b\u0103iatule, se enerv\u0103 Vasile. Sunt m\u0103-ta \u0219i am venit s\u0103 te al\u0103ptez cu \u021b\u00e2\u021ba din centru. Casc\u0103 gura \u0219i nu folosi din\u021bi.
\n-Aceast\u0103 atitudine nu mi se pare constructiv\u0103, r\u0103spunse apelantul.
\n-Constructiv\u0103 fa\u021b\u0103 de ce, b\u0103, pul\u0103? Fa\u021b\u0103 de tine care m\u0103 freci la icre \u0219i nu-mi spui ce flocii m\u0103-tii vrei? Chiar a\u0219a, ce flocii m\u0103-tii vrei? Suni \u00een fiecare zi oameni s\u0103-i enervezi, sau sunt eu special?
\n-Vaaai, deja m\u0103 jigne\u0219ti \u0219i nici nu m\u0103 cuno\u0219ti, abominabil caracter, oft\u0103 nemul\u021bumit \u0103la de la telefon.
\n-S\u0103-mi iei abominabilul \u00een gur\u0103, ripost\u0103 Vasile. Auzi, b\u0103, de fapt \u021bie \u00ee\u021bi place s\u0103 fii \u00eenjurat \u0219i umilit? Suni oameni \u0219i-i enervezi s\u0103 te domine gratis, c\u0103 te zg\u00e2rce\u0219ti s\u0103 dai bani la curve s\u0103 te domine pe bani?
\n-Dac\u0103 o mai \u021bii a\u0219a, te \u00eenregistrez \u0219i te dau \u00een judecat\u0103, protest\u0103 apelantul.
\n-Pe cine, dac\u0103 nu \u0219tii cine sunt, \u00een pizda m\u0103-tii de prost? Dar corect, n-are sens s-o \u021bin a\u0219a. Haipa.
\nVasile \u00eenchise iar.
\nDe data asta, se trezi \u0219i se duse s\u0103-\u0219i fac\u0103 o cafea. Telefonul se apuc\u0103 s\u0103 b\u00e2z\u00e2ie iar.
\n-S\u0103 m\u0103 pupi \u00een cur cu sete, \u00eei r\u0103spunse Vasile aparatului. Aparatul, evident, nu se execut\u0103. Era \u0219i el un gadget cuminte, la voia prostiei omene\u0219ti.<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

Jeeet!
\n-Alo, r\u0103spunse Vasile, care ie\u0219ise la o bere la c\u00e2rciuma din vecini \u0219i o ardea hipio\u021be\u0219te pe la bar, \u00een conversa\u021bie lejer\u0103 cu barmani\u021ba lui preferat\u0103.
\n-Nu ai sc\u0103pat de mine.
\nVasile era sub influen\u021ba pa\u0219nic\u0103 a dou\u0103 beri.
\n-Ce vrei, m\u0103i b\u0103iatule. Nici dac\u0103 eram gagic\u0103 nu insistai a\u0219a.
\n-Nu mi-ai spus…
\n-Eu nu \u00ee\u021bi spun \u021bie nimic, c\u0103 tu suni \u0219i tu te prezin\u021bi, m\u0103 \u00een\u021belegi? Zi ce speri c\u0103 ob\u021bii. Ce vrei?
\n-Vreau s\u0103 \u0219tiu cine e\u0219ti.
\n-Pentru?
\n-Pentru cultura mea general\u0103.
\n-Pentru cultura ta general\u0103, mergi pe wikipedia, i-o \u00eenchise Vasile, apoi \u00eei \u00eenchise \u0219i telefonul.<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

Jeeet!
\nVasile era pe coridor. A\u0219tepta s\u0103-i vin\u0103 r\u00e2ndul la doctor. Oricum se plictisea, de ce s\u0103 nu se mai amuze pu\u021bin de prostia fanului s\u0103u necunoscut?
\n-Alo, tot nu-\u021bi spun cine sunt.
\n-Nu mai conteaz\u0103, voiam s\u0103-\u021bi spun c\u0103 am b\u0103gat azi divor\u021b, ia-o tu \u0219i tr\u0103ie\u0219te fericit cu ea.
\n-Cu cine, fratele meu?
\n-Cum cu cine? Cu nevast\u0103-mea.
\n-Ce treab\u0103 am eu cu nevast\u0103-ta, m\u0103i prietene? Cine e nevast\u0103-ta \u00een primul r\u00e2nd.
\n-Nu face pe prostul, am g\u0103sit num\u0103rul t\u0103u \u00een agenda nevesti-mii \u0219i nici ea nu \u00eemi spune cine e\u0219ti.
\n-Cum adic\u0103 ai g\u0103sit num\u0103rul meu \u00een agenda nevesti-tii.
\n-P\u0103i eu \u00eei controlez telefonul, s\u0103 nu cumva s\u0103 m\u0103 \u00een\u0219ele.
\n-Aha, \u0219i dac\u0103 ai g\u0103sit num\u0103rul meu \u00een agenda ei, sigur ne futem ca iepurii, \u00eel pufni pe Vasile r\u00e2sul.
\nPatru pensionare venite s\u0103 re\u00eennoiasc\u0103 re\u021beta se uitar\u0103 indignate la el. A cincea se uit\u0103 nostalgic \u0219i-\u0219i trecu o m\u00e2n\u0103 prin p\u0103rul movuliu, \u00eencre\u021bit de bigudiuri.
\n-Vezi c\u0103 recuno\u0219ti? triumf\u0103 interlocutorul.
\n-Auzi, m\u0103, amice. Problema ta cere terapie special\u0103 \u0219i multe medicamente. Nu c\u0103 \u00ee\u021bi datorez socoteal\u0103 sau ceva, dar dac\u0103 pe nevast\u0103-ta n-o cheam\u0103 din \u00eent\u00e2mplare xvideos dot com, \u00ee\u021bi garantez eu c\u0103 nu i-am v\u0103zut p\u0103s\u0103rica, cel pu\u021bin \u00een ultima jum\u0103tate de an.
\nBabele se \u00eentoarser\u0103 dezam\u0103gite la b\u00e2rfa lor.
\nT\u0103cere la cap\u0103tul cel\u0103lalt al firului. Poate c\u0103 \u0103la \u00een\u021belesese. Poate c\u0103 \u00ee\u0219i d\u0103dea \u00een sf\u00e2r\u0219it seama c\u0103 e absurd, penibil \u0219i jenant. Lini\u0219te. Vasile r\u0103sufl\u0103 u\u0219urat \u0219i se preg\u0103ti s\u0103 \u00eenchid\u0103 fericit c\u0103 a luminat bezna din cutia cranian\u0103 a acestui cet\u0103\u021bean s\u0103rit grav de pe fix.
\nC\u00e2nd, dup\u0103 mai multe secunde de procesare interioar\u0103, i se auzi din nou vocea. Mic\u0103, zdrobit\u0103, m\u0103cinat\u0103:
\n-Adic\u0103 tu vrei s\u0103 spui c\u0103 nevast\u0103-mea face filme porno?<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

\u00ce\u0163i plac textele Trollywood? Sus\u0163ine \u015fi tu proiectul.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

***
\nVrei s\u0103 m\u0103 urm\u0103re\u015fti \u00een social media? \u00cemi po\u0163i da like pe Facebook<\/strong><\/a>, follow pe Twitter<\/a><\/strong> \u015fi Instagram<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Ascult\u0103 Jet pe Spotify<\/a><\/strong>, cump\u0103r\u0103 piesa pe iTunes<\/strong><\/a> sau pe Amazon Music<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Era o diminea\u021b\u0103 f\u0103r\u0103 evenimente. Vasile dormea de rupea patul, ca orice om \u00eentr-o diminea\u021b\u0103 cu evenimente. C\u00e2nd deodat\u0103, sun\u0103 telefonul. Avea ca ringtone...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":10002,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-19076","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/10\/red-telephone.jpg?fit=442%2C442&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19076","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=19076"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19076\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":19077,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19076\/revisions\/19077"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/10002"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=19076"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=19076"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=19076"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}