{"id":19129,"date":"2020-03-02T14:02:27","date_gmt":"2020-03-02T11:02:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/?p=19129"},"modified":"2020-03-02T19:46:11","modified_gmt":"2020-03-02T16:46:11","slug":"sapte-moduri-in-care-te-protejezi-de-coronavirus","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/sapte-moduri-in-care-te-protejezi-de-coronavirus\/","title":{"rendered":"\u015eapte moduri \u00een care te protejezi de coronavirus"},"content":{"rendered":"

S\u0103 plas\u0103m rapid la \u00eenceputul acestui text hashtagul #pamflet. Altminteri, aceia\u015fi imbecili lobotomiza\u0163i care chir\u0103iau sub Jet c\u0103 e horror ca \u015fi cum nu ar fi fost construit deliberat pe linie de film horror \u015fi m\u0103 \u00eentrebau ce mam\u0103 o s\u0103 fiu eu ca \u015fi cum un artist care a jucat Frankenstein nu poate fi \u00een timpul lui liber cel mai iubitor om din univers (not my case, Gicu, nu-mi da mesaj privat) – aceia\u015fi imbecili, cum spuneam, vor s\u0103ri s\u0103 m\u0103 frece la icre cu “\u0103vai, uite ke proazt\u0103 e asta.”\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

Dragi concet\u0103\u0163eni, coronavirus b\u00e2ntuie \u0163ara. Face victime \u00een st\u00e2nga \u015fi \u00een dreapta, ocazional \u015fi pe centru. Se moare de capete, preponderent de grija altuia. E un fel de Moartea Neagr\u0103, dar pe galben.<\/p>\n

Dar cum noi aici la Trollywood v\u0103 avem \u00eentotdeauna spatele, din toate pozi\u0163iile (cu o preferin\u0163\u0103 pentru deasupra), v\u0103 oferim ghidul complet de protec\u0163ie \u00eempotriva acestei mor\u0163i tragice \u015fi inexpugnabile precum sufletul meu.<\/p>\n

S\u0103 intr\u0103m dar\u0103 \u00een subiect.<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

1. Nu purta\u0163i galben.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ra\u0163ionamentul acestui cod este extrem de simplu.<\/p>\n

De unde vine virusul?<\/p>\n

Din China.<\/p>\n

Cum sunt chinezii?<\/p>\n

Galbeni.<\/p>\n

Evident c\u0103, dac\u0103 purta\u0163i galben, e ca \u015fi cum a\u0163i invoca o nenorocire. \u00cei da\u0163i virusului r\u0103t\u0103cit pe aceste meleaguri o senza\u0163ie confortabil\u0103 de familiaritate \u015fi ce s\u0103 vezi, virusul \u0163u\u015fti \u00een organismul vostru. \u015ei soarta e pecetluit\u0103.<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

2, Nu purta\u0163i mov.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dup\u0103 ce i-a \u00eenvins pe turci cu mare vitejie \u00een b\u0103t\u0103lia de la Rovine, Mircea cel B\u0103tr\u00e2n s-a sc\u0103rpinat \u00een barb\u0103 a \u00een\u0163elept, a privit cu ochi miji\u0163i \u00een zare \u015fi a gl\u0103suit: “Extremele se atrage”.<\/p>\n

Taman de aceea, e o idee extrem de fatidic\u0103 \u015fi de riscant\u0103 s\u0103 purta\u0163i mov \u00een aceste zile de restri\u015fte. Movul e opusul galbenului pe roata culorilor \u015fi, \u00eembr\u0103c\u00e2ndu-v\u0103 \u00een aceast\u0103 culoare, e ca \u015fi cum a\u0163i purta metal pe vreme na\u015fpa: risca\u0163i oric\u00e2nd s\u0103 v\u0103 tr\u0103sneasc\u0103 \u015fi s\u0103 muri\u0163i nespovedi\u0163i \u015fi ne\u00eemp\u0103rt\u0103\u015fi\u0163i, cu portofelul at\u00e2rn\u00e2nd din buzunar.<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

3. Chema\u0163i popa s\u0103 v\u0103 sfin\u0163easc\u0103 prin cas\u0103\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Care e cel mai s\u0103n\u0103tos tratament pentru toate bolile rom\u00e2nului ortodox?<\/p>\n

T\u0103m\u00e2ia.<\/p>\n

Dac\u0103 vine popa, incanta\u0163iile lui vor speria \u015fi vor \u00eensp\u0103im\u00e2nta pe Cel R\u0103u, iar acesta o va lua mi\u015fele\u015fte la fug\u0103, evit\u00e2ndu-v\u0103 tot etajul, pentru c\u0103, se \u015ftie, la bloc sunt pere\u0163ii sub\u0163iri \u015fi unda audio penetreaz\u0103 \u015fi pe lung, \u015fi pe lat.<\/p>\n

Doar nu credea\u0163i c\u0103 acest virus sinistru e orice altceva dec\u00e2t noua \u00eentruchipare a Satanei, nu-i a\u015fa?<\/p>\n

Trezi\u0163i-v\u0103, oameni buni!<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

4. \u00cenchide\u0163i ochii c\u00e2nd face\u0163i sex.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Un mod de transmisiune a corona virusului este prin contact cu persoanele afectate. Dar dac\u0103 acest contact se \u00eent\u00e2mpl\u0103 cu protec\u0163ie adecvat\u0103, nu ave\u0163i motive de team\u0103. Sunte\u0163i \u00een siguran\u0163\u0103!<\/p>\n

Suntem \u00eenc\u00e2nta\u0163i s\u0103 v\u0103 inform\u0103m c\u0103 metodele tradi\u0163ionale rom\u00e2ne\u015fti de contracep\u0163ie sunt cele mai bune \u015fi \u00eempotriva coronei virus. \u015ei iat\u0103 \u015fi ra\u0163ionamentul:<\/p>\n

Un alt proverb din b\u0103tr\u00e2ni spune c\u0103 Ce nu vezi nu te sup\u0103r\u0103.<\/p>\n

Nu vezi coronavirus \u00een timp ce faci sex?<\/p>\n

Nu te sup\u0103r\u0103.<\/p>\n

Q. e. d.<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

5. Nu da\u0163i bun\u0103 ziua c\u00e2nd intra\u0163i \u00eentr-o \u00eenc\u0103pere.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Gura, drag popor, este poarta de intrare a organismului. Pe gur\u0103 m\u00e2nc\u0103m, bem, lu\u0103m medicamente (bine, c\u00e2nd acestea nu sunt supozitoare), \u015fi efectu\u0103m o serie de activit\u0103\u0163i prea complexe pentru a le enumera aici.<\/p>\n

Dac\u0103 d\u0103m bun\u0103 ziua c\u00e2nd intr\u0103m \u00eentr-o \u00eenc\u0103pere \u00een care sunt oameni, to\u0163i poten\u0163iali purt\u0103tori de coronavirus, e ca \u015fi cum le deschidem acces liber spre r\u0103runchii no\u015ftri.<\/p>\n

\u015ei ce face corona virus?<\/p>\n

\u0162u\u015fti \u00een\u0103untru.<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

6. Nu face\u0163i baie.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Se \u015ftie c\u0103 apa e ud\u0103, rece \u015fi te face \u015fi pe tine ud \u015fi rece. \u015ei chiar \u015fi atunci c\u00e2nd e cald\u0103, dac\u0103 se las\u0103 nep\u0103zit\u0103, se r\u0103ce\u015fte.<\/p>\n

Organismele ude \u015fi reci sunt cele mai aprige \u015fi periculoase purt\u0103toare de coronavirus?<\/p>\n

De unde vine boala?<\/p>\n

Din pia\u0163a de pe\u015fte a unui ora\u015f chinezesc.<\/p>\n

Sta\u0163i departe de orice form\u0103 de ap\u0103, p\u00e2n\u0103 trece buclucul, \u015fi sunte\u0163i proteja\u0163i.<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

7. Cump\u0103ra\u0163i br\u0103\u0163ara magic\u0103 T\u0103m\u0103duire cu numai 399, 99 lei, ofert\u0103 valabil\u0103 doar azi!\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Cine e marele du\u015fman al omului, care v\u0103 vrea etern bolnavi \u015fi \u00een genunchi?<\/p>\n

Marile companii farmaceutice.<\/p>\n

Puterea lor diabolic\u0103 se l\u0103b\u0103r\u0163eaz\u0103 pe tot internetul, \u015fi poate heck\u0103ri acest anun\u0163 deosebit de valoros, pentru c\u0103 de ce s\u0103 v\u0103 face\u0163i bine ieftin \u015fi natural cu T\u0103m\u0103duire, c\u00e2nd pute\u0163i da saco\u015fe de bani pe saco\u015fe de pastile, care se iau cum? Cu ap\u0103. \u015ei ce face apa? Vezi punctul 6.<\/p>\n

Br\u0103\u0163ara magic\u0103 T\u0103m\u0103duire e confec\u0163ionat\u0103 dintr-un metal extrem de special \u015fi rar, at\u00e2t de rar \u00eenc\u00e2t nici Mendeleev nu l-a introdus \u00een sistem – alt\u0103 dovad\u0103 c\u0103 sunte\u0163i manipula\u0163i!! Acest metal adus de exper\u0163ii no\u015ftri cu rachetele de pe Marte, planeta misterioas\u0103 a energiei clocotitoare ro\u015fii este atent prelucrat \u015fi selec\u0163ionat, binecuv\u00e2ntat cu magie esoteric\u0103 din str\u0103vechea Mesopotamie, recitate de o emerit\u0103 ocultoloag\u0103, de\u0163in\u0103toarea a multe premii paranormale interna\u0163ionale,<\/p>\n

Cu numai 399,99 lei, br\u0103\u0163ara magic\u0103 T\u0103m\u0103duire v\u0103 va vindeca de Coronavirus, impoten\u0163\u0103 \u015fi m\u00e2nc\u0103rimi \u00een partea dorsal\u0103, v\u0103 va aduce \u00eenapoi iubitul infidel \u015fi v\u0103 va g\u0103si cel mai bine pl\u0103tit job din Rom\u00e2nia. (Care vii aici s\u0103 trolezi cu videochatul, ai bloc.)<\/p>\n

DAR STA\u0162I.<\/p>\n

Cu \u00eenc\u0103 100 de lei, pute\u0163i achizi\u0163iona DOU\u0102 br\u0103\u0163\u0103ri magice T\u0103m\u0103duire.<\/p>\n

Da, nu v\u0103 mai freca\u0163i pe ochi a ne\u00eencredere, DOU\u0102 br\u0103\u0163\u0103ri magice T\u0103m\u0103duire la NUMAI 499,99 lei. C\u0103 dac\u0103 tot se \u00eentoarce iubitul infidel, e de porc s\u0103 moar\u0103 de Coronavirus \u00een bra\u0163ele dvs.<\/p>\n

Acum, c\u0103 ave\u0163i\u00a0 instrumentar complet \u00eempotriva flagelului necru\u0163\u0103tor al anului, pute\u0163i tr\u0103i ca pe\u015ftele \u00een ap\u0103. Doar c\u0103 f\u0103r\u0103 ap\u0103. Punctu’ 6.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

\u00ce\u0163i plac textele Trollywood? Sus\u0163ine \u015fi tu proiectul.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

***
\nVrei s\u0103 m\u0103 urm\u0103re\u015fti \u00een social media? \u00cemi po\u0163i da like pe Facebook<\/strong><\/a>, follow pe Twitter<\/a><\/strong> \u015fi Instagram<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Ascult\u0103 Jet pe Spotify<\/a><\/strong>, cump\u0103r\u0103 piesa pe iTunes<\/strong><\/a> sau pe Amazon Music<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

S\u0103 plas\u0103m rapid la \u00eenceputul acestui text hashtagul #pamflet. Altminteri, aceia\u015fi imbecili lobotomiza\u0163i care chir\u0103iau sub Jet c\u0103 e horror ca \u015fi cum nu...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":19130,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-19129","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/03\/covid19.jpg?fit=1200%2C675&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19129","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=19129"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19129\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":19133,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19129\/revisions\/19133"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/19130"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=19129"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=19129"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=19129"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}