{"id":19177,"date":"2020-03-11T11:22:00","date_gmt":"2020-03-11T08:22:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/?p=19177"},"modified":"2020-03-11T11:25:19","modified_gmt":"2020-03-11T08:25:19","slug":"masuri-corporatiste-intelepte-pentru-coronavirus","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/masuri-corporatiste-intelepte-pentru-coronavirus\/","title":{"rendered":"M\u0103suri corporatiste \u00een\u0163elepte pentru coronavirus"},"content":{"rendered":"

Ieri, Digi24<\/a> a cules cire\u015fica de pe tortul preven\u0163iei c\u00e2nd a anun\u0163at c\u0103 nu ofer\u0103 servicii de hair \u015fi makeup invita\u0163ilor din studio. Cum am punctat, nici placa, nici \u00eencre\u0163itoarele NU au cum s\u0103 duc\u0103 virusul, pentru c\u0103 bietul coronavirus nu e p\u0103duche, iar machiajul facial profesional se face, ideal, cu bure\u0163ei \u015fi periu\u0163e de unic\u0103 folosin\u0163\u0103, foarte ieftine, deci, m\u0103sura e la modul: “cum s\u0103 rat\u0103m noi s\u0103 fim t\u00e2mpi\u0163i”.<\/p>\n

De aici, producem un nou pamflet. Repet: pamflet. La c\u00e2t de incapabil e poporul \u0103sta s\u0103 proceseze glum\u0103 \u015fi s\u0103 reac\u0163ioneze la ea cu hahaha, cum se reac\u0163ioneaz\u0103 la glum\u0103, repet a treia oar\u0103: pamflet.<\/p>\n

1. Restaurantele retrag din circula\u0163ie tac\u00e2murile.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

“Ne pare r\u0103u”, a declarat Costic\u0103 Frec\u0103\u0163eanu, social media manager \/ osp\u0103tar \/ ajutor de buc\u0103tar la restaurantul select Al Treilea Ou.<\/p>\n

“Se \u015ftie c\u0103 gura uman\u0103 e principalul purt\u0103tor de boli, viru\u015fi \u015fi alte dezastre”, a explicat cu un aer de cunosc\u0103tor oficialul. “Putem afirma c\u0103ci mai exact dac\u0103 \u00een\u0163elegi ce vreau s\u0103 zic coronavirus a ajuns la noi pe cale oral\u0103 din gur\u0103 \u00een gur\u0103 ca balada Miori\u0163a. Dar cu mai multe decese.<\/p>\n

Pe durata epidemiei, nu putem purta pe con\u015ftiin\u0163\u0103 moartea nim\u0103nui.”<\/p>\n

Solu\u0163ia?<\/p>\n

S\u0103 ne \u00eentoarcem la str\u0103mo\u015fii no\u015ftri daci, celebrii inventatori ai apei calde.<\/p>\n

“Cum crede\u0163i c\u0103 m\u00e2nca voinicul dac dup\u0103 ce \u00eenfr\u00e2ngea patru ur\u015fi cu pumnul liber \u015fi \u015fapte romani? S\u0103n\u0103tos, neao\u015f, viteje\u015fte, cu m\u00e2na”.<\/p>\n

Deci, pe durata dramaticei situa\u0163ii, clien\u0163ii restaurantelor din lan\u0163ul Al Treilea Ou \u00ee\u015fi vor redescoperi dacul interior \u015fi vor m\u00e2nca direct cu m\u00e2na, \u00eentocmai ca falnicul Burebista.<\/p>\n

Metrorex \u015fi RATB anun\u0163\u0103 eliminarea barelor\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

“Bara e nes\u0103n\u0103toas\u0103, dac\u0103 te g\u00e2nde\u015fti c\u00e2t\u0103 lume pune m\u00e2na pe ea”, a declarat Cerasela Repezitu, ambasador de imagine Metrorex. “Ce fac oamenii, de cum urc\u0103 \u00een mijlocul de transport? Apuc\u0103 o bar\u0103. \u015ei nu se g\u00e2ndesc c\u00e2te m\u00e2ini au fost acolo \u00eenainte”.<\/p>\n

Ca solu\u0163ie, companiile responsabile cu transportul \u00een comun invit\u0103 bucure\u015ftenii s\u0103 se apuce de pilates \u015fi yoga.<\/p>\n

“Oamenii nu mai \u015ftiu s\u0103 aprecieze arta echilibrului interior”, a m\u0103rturisit cu lacrimi \u00een ochi domni\u015foara Repezitu. “Dac\u0103 le lu\u0103m bara din m\u00e2n\u0103, nu doar c\u0103-i scutim de coronavirus. \u00cei antren\u0103m s\u0103 reziste \u00een condi\u0163ii de imponderabilitate, dac\u0103 trebuie. \u00cen fond, cine \u015ftie c\u00e2nd are NASA nevoie de voluntari pentru o nou\u0103 c\u0103l\u0103torie \u00een spa\u0163iu? Sau c\u00e2nd ne vom vedea obliga\u0163i s\u0103 ne refugiem cu to\u0163ii pe Marte, s\u0103 sc\u0103p\u0103m de coronavirus?”.<\/p>\n

Complexul reziden\u0163ial Stropi de Fericire \u00eenchide lifturile\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

“Blocurile noastre sunt o veritabil\u0103 oaz\u0103 de lini\u015fte \u015fi pace. La numai 57 de kilometri de Bucure\u015fti, la o plimbare de c\u00e2teva minute \u015fi patru ore de metrou Pipera, ele redefinesc conceptul de urbanitate. Cu numai 250.000 de euro, ai luxul capitalei \u015fi lini\u015ftea binecuv\u00e2ntat\u0103 a unui col\u0163 de rai, ” explic\u0103 Hassan Ben-Hassan, marketing manager.<\/p>\n

“Pentru a ne sus\u0163ine locatarii s\u0103 treac\u0103 s\u0103n\u0103to\u015fi \u00een \u00een bun\u0103stare prin coronavirus, vom dezafecta lifturile pe durata epidemiei.<\/p>\n

S-a descoperit c\u0103 un mare num\u0103r de boli de transmit \u00een cabina minuscul\u0103, unde, datorit\u0103 spa\u0163iului restr\u00e2ns, orice tuse sau str\u0103nut finalizeaz\u0103 fie pe oglind\u0103, fie pe butoane, iar microbii \u015fi bacteriile care n-au finalizat circul\u0103 dezl\u0103n\u0163ui\u0163i prin aer. Liftul e ca o candidatur\u0103 la func\u021bia de decedat”.<\/p>\n

Call centerul Beep For Your Needs elimin\u0103 h\u00e2rtia igienic\u0103 din toaletele incintei\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Gigantul corporatist Beep For Your Needs anun\u0163\u0103 c\u0103, pe durata codului ro\u015fu de epidemie, cei 130 de telephone angels din loca\u0163ie vor fi nevoi\u0163i s\u0103 vin\u0103 cu mai multe \u015ferve\u0163ele dec\u00e2t de obicei.<\/p>\n

“Nu cred c\u0103 exist\u0103 discu\u0163ie despre ce focar de infec\u0163ie este h\u00e2rtia igienic\u0103 din locurile publice”, a explicat regional manager Gra\u0163iela Vornic. “\u00cen fond, un om pune m\u00e2na pe ea pentru a \u00eendep\u0103rta urme de excremente. \u015ei apoi mai rupe o bucat\u0103, \u015fi \u00eenc\u0103 una. Practic, h\u00e2rtia igienic\u0103 e ca \u015fi cum ai prospecta anal toate persoanele care au folosit respectiva toalet\u0103 \u00eenaintea ta.<\/p>\n

\u015ei nu zic, pe vreme de pace e o activitate deosebit de pl\u0103cut\u0103, pe care o recomand\u0103m c\u0103lduros. Dar pe vreme de flagel medical, suntem pe cont propriu \u015fi e recomandat s\u0103 fim.”<\/p>\n

Oficialul asigur\u0103 c\u0103 nu e o decizie u\u015foar\u0103, c\u0103 boardul de directori a meditat lung \u00een spiral\u0103 yin \u00eenainte s\u0103 ia \u00eentrist\u0103toarea hot\u0103r\u00e2re, dar s\u0103n\u0103tatea e mai important\u0103.<\/p>\n

“Trebuie s\u0103 privim cu optimism \u00een viitor”, a \u00eencheiat Gra\u0163iela Vornic.<\/p>\n

BNR retrage bancnotele numerar\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

“Care e primul lucru pe care vi-l spunea mama \u00een copil\u0103rie? Nu b\u0103ga bani \u00een guri\u0163\u0103, c\u0103 nu \u015ftii unde au fost \u00eenainte”, \u015fi-a \u00eenceput pledoaria guvernatorul BNR Mugur Is\u0103rescu la conferin\u0163a de pres\u0103 care anun\u0163a interdic\u0163ia pe numerar.<\/p>\n

“Eu mi-i b\u0103gam \u00een nar\u0103, se pune?”, \u00eentrerupse Emanuel Profiriu, intern la publica\u0163ia online \u015eu\u015fe.ro.<\/p>\n

“Sau \u00een nar\u0103”, admise vag ofensat de \u00eentrerupere Mugur Is\u0103rescu. “E vital s\u0103 prevenim un dezastru pentru care spitalele rom\u00e2ne\u015fti nu sunt preg\u0103tite. Banii sunt cele mai murdare obiecte din casa omului. Pe bani au fost detectate urme de fluide corporale, fecale, alimente expirate \u015fi chiar h\u00e2rtie igienic\u0103. Practica numerarului \u00een general e una cu un risc ridicat de contaminare cu multiple boli. S\u0103 ad\u0103ug\u0103m o epidemie global\u0103 precum coronavirus \u015fi ne putem to\u0163i muta direct \u00een co\u015fciuge, s\u0103 scutim ultimul drum.”<\/p>\n

Ascult\u00e2nd zumzetul de nemul\u0163umire din sal\u0103, Mugur Is\u0103rescu se sim\u0163i obligat s\u0103 explice.<\/p>\n

“Nu ne face nici nou\u0103 pl\u0103cere s\u0103 mergem cu cardul la chio\u015fcul din sta\u0163ia de autobuz pentru un plic de nes \u015fi o bere, dar via\u0163a uman\u0103 e mai presus de micile pl\u0103ceri ale vie\u0163ii”.<\/p>\n

“Aici Petri\u015for P\u00e2rjoiu de la D\u0103buleni Daily”, \u00eentrerupse un must\u0103cios. “\u00centrebarea ce se impune e: ce fac pepenarii mei? Cum \u00ee\u015fi vor desf\u0103\u015fura comer\u0163ul sezonier?”<\/p>\n

Mugur Is\u0103rescu se uit\u0103 lung \u015fi aspru la must\u0103cios. Apoi r\u0103spunse:<\/p>\n

“Colabor\u0103m cu o firm\u0103 de echipamente electronice. Tocmai au creat un model de POS pentru capota ma\u015finii. \u015ei unul de portjartier, pentru liber profesioniste. \u00centreb\u0103ri?”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00ce\u0163i plac textele Trollywood? Sus\u0163ine \u015fi tu proiectul.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

***
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***<\/p>\n

Ascult\u0103 Jet pe Spotify<\/a><\/strong>, cump\u0103r\u0103 piesa pe iTunes<\/strong><\/a> sau pe Amazon Music<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Ieri, Digi24 a cules cire\u015fica de pe tortul preven\u0163iei c\u00e2nd a anun\u0163at c\u0103 nu ofer\u0103 servicii de hair \u015fi makeup invita\u0163ilor din studio. Cum...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":19179,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-19177","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/03\/corona.jpg?fit=362%2C139&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19177","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=19177"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19177\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":19182,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19177\/revisions\/19182"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/19179"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=19177"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=19177"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=19177"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}