M\u0103 doare ad\u00e2nc \u00een pwl\u0103 dac\u0103 te recuno\u015fti sau nu, textul e gratuit \u015fi e scris pentru r\u00e2sete, deci mar\u015f! Te-ai c\u0103rat already? Ce mai stai aici \u015fi te ui\u0163i ca bovina la poarta nou\u0103? \u0162i-am zis deja s\u0103 te cari. \u00cencolo. —-> Spre tarifele la care te califici s\u0103 dai comentariile alea enervante<\/a><\/strong> care m\u0103 fac s\u0103 visez cum \u00ee\u0163i administrez de fiecare dat\u0103 un bocanc \u00een frez\u0103, mai ales c\u0103 b\u00e2ntui acest site de ani buni \u015fi n-ai donat un eurocent \u00een via\u0163a ta s\u0103-l sus\u0163ii. Haidepa.<\/p>\n Ok, acum c\u0103 antihazul b\u0103\u015fit cu figuri de client(\u0103) nesatisc\u0103fut(\u0103) s-a c\u0103rat \u015fi am r\u0103mas doar noi, oamenii cu chef de amuzament, s\u0103 trecem la horoscop.<\/p>\n Berbecul\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n “Bag pwoola \u00een g\u0103lbeji\u0163ii \u0103\u015ftia idio\u0163i \u015fi \u00een to\u0163i \u015ferpii \u015fi liliecii lor, \u015fi \u00een statul chinez \u00een general, \u015fi \u00een bolile voastre imaginare \u015fi \u00een organiza\u0163ia mondial\u0103 a s\u0103n\u0103t\u0103\u0163ii m\u0103-tii. Aveam de f\u0103cut 20.000 de euro \u00een luna martie. Lun\u0103 de top pentru business. Deja visam ce baie \u00een Veuve Clicquot rose o s\u0103 fac de banii \u0103ia. \u015ei vin lamerii \u0103\u015ftia s\u0103-mi fwoot\u0103 mie planurile?<\/p>\n Ia hai, toat\u0103 lumea la munc\u0103. La munc\u0103, b\u0103\u0103, nu la \u00eentins m\u00e2na. M\u0103car muri\u0163i to\u0163i fraierii \u015fi r\u0103m\u00e2n oamenii care au stamin\u0103-n ei!”<\/p>\n Taurul\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n “Ce bine c\u0103 am apucat s\u0103-mi fac din timp stocurile de f\u0103in\u0103, m\u0103lai \u015fi h\u00e2rtie igienic\u0103. Nu m\u0103 deranjeaz\u0103 s\u0103 stau \u00een cas\u0103. De fapt, T\u00e2n\u0103r \u015fi nelini\u015ftit e serialul meu preferat, mai ales aranjamentele alea imense de flori din fiecare scen\u0103. Dar dac\u0103 mai \u015fi muream de foame \u00een timp ce… Numai g\u00e2ndul \u0103sta m\u0103 face s\u0103 mai bag o tav\u0103 de negrese cu spum\u0103 la cuptor!<\/p>\n Gemenii\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n “Alo, ce mai faci, Monalisa? Da, \u015ftiu, te-am mai sunat de trei ori azi, dar nimeni altcineva din agend\u0103 nu-mi r\u0103spunde \u015fi toat\u0103 lumea de pe Messenger mi-a dat deja block mesaje private. Cred c\u0103 \u00eemi fac un vlog de conspira\u0163ii pe YouTube, s\u0103 m\u0103 \u00eenjure lumea, s\u0103 simt \u015fi eu c\u0103 comunic. Nu mai poot, fat\u0103. T\u0103cerea url\u0103 \u00een casa mea. Nu vii pe la mine? Po\u0163i s\u0103-mi aduci corona virus, adu-mi \u015fi ebola, \u015fi boala g\u0103inii nebune, dar s\u0103 simt \u015fi eu prezen\u0163\u0103 de om \u00een jurul meu c\u0103 \u00ceNNEBUNESC, \u00een pwoola mea!”<\/p>\n Racul\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n “Mam\u0103, tr\u0103iasc\u0103 coronavirus \u015fi \u0103la care a inventat-o. \u00cen sf\u00e2r\u015fit pot \u015fi eu s\u0103 procrastinez pe canapea cu privirea \u00een gol, \u015fi nu-mi zice nimeni c\u0103 sunt un lene\u015f. Sunt doar un om responsabil care se protejeaz\u0103 de boal\u0103.<\/p>\n Putem s\u0103 avem coronavirus pe tot restul anului 2020? Mul\u0163umesc, Dumnezeule.”<\/p>\n Leul\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n “Pentru c\u0103 eu sunt un minunat \u015fi vreau s\u0103 \u015ftie toat\u0103 lumea c\u0103 sunt minunat, m\u0103 ofer s\u0103 fac cump\u0103r\u0103turi pentru tot blocul. Vi le las \u00een fa\u0163a u\u015fii. Nici nu trebuie s\u0103-mi da\u0163i banii. Vreau doar ca la ora \u015fase s\u0103 ie\u015fi\u0163i to\u0163i pe hol, \u00een dreptul u\u015fii personale, s\u0103 nu v\u0103 contamina\u0163i, \u015fi s\u0103 c\u00e2nta\u0163i \u00een cor “Ne prostern\u0103\u0103\u0103m \u00een fa\u0163a ta, zeule minunaaat”.<\/p>\n \u015ei eu, la microfon: Cine e minunat, \u00eenc\u0103 o dat\u0103?<\/p>\n \u015ei voi to\u0163i \u00een cor: “Tuuuu, fabulosule superb \u015fi deosebit! \u00cemp\u0103ratul nostru al tuturor. Mesia al doilea.”<\/p>\n Mmm, \u00eemi place asta cu Mesia al doilea. Repeta\u0163i-o de trei ori.”<\/p>\n Fecioara<\/strong><\/p>\n “Marie Preacurat\u0103 Maica Domnului, nu-mi spune c\u0103 mi s-a terminat Domestos. De ceee? \u00cen fond, am frecat toat\u0103 casa cu Domestos doar de patru ori pe ziua \u00een curs \u015fi am f\u0103cut doar dou\u0103 b\u0103i de Domestos azi. Semn c\u0103 trebuie s\u0103 \u00eemi pun uniforma de astronaut \u015fi tubul de oxigen portabil \u015fi s\u0103 mai ies la Mega s\u0103 mai cump\u0103r o lad\u0103. S\u0103 fie. Ce plm cump\u0103r\u0103 \u0103\u015ftia f\u0103in\u0103, doar nu te dezinfectezi cu f\u0103in\u0103! \u015ei dac\u0103 tot m\u0103 duc, s\u0103 nu uit s\u0103 cump\u0103r tot stocul de Parasinus de la farmacia de l\u00e2ng\u0103.”<\/p>\n Balan\u0163a\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n “Dac\u0103 tot stau acas\u0103, cred c\u0103 e cazul s\u0103 redecorez. Ia s\u0103 vopsesc un perete \u00een auriu \u015fi unul \u00een mov, s\u0103 aplic teoria culorilor, s\u0103 aduc aici ni\u015fte pietre cuartz pentru energii pozitive \u015fi s\u0103 \u00eemi schimb mobila din buc\u0103t\u0103rie \u00een mov odihnitor zen. Am v\u0103zut pe un site \u015fi vesel\u0103 mov zen, o s\u0103 fie cea mai zen buc\u0103t\u0103rie din univers.<\/p>\n \u015ei s\u0103 adopt ni\u015fte anim\u0103lu\u0163e, dar de o culoare a bl\u0103nii care s\u0103 se armonizeze cu zenul buc\u0103t\u0103riei. Alo, asocia\u0163ia Sufle\u0163ele Delicate? Ave\u0163i anim\u0103lu\u0163e crem, preferabil calme? S\u0103 nu latre sau miaune mult, doar s\u0103 stea pe perne de culori contrastante \u015fi s\u0103 fac\u0103 poze bune pentru Instagram.”<\/p>\n Scorpionul\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n “9000 de decese? A\u015fa v\u0103 trebuie, curvelor. A\u0163i distrus natura, a\u0163i omor\u00e2t at\u00e2tea specii de animale, \u015fi acum natura se r\u0103zbun\u0103, mwahahaha. Mwwoooie vou\u0103, muri\u0163i, m\u0103, nenoroci\u0163ilor. 9000 e prea pu\u0163in. Muri\u0163i to\u0163i \u0103\u015ftia care a\u0163i adus \u00eenc\u0103lzirea global\u0103 \u015fi a\u0163i g\u0103urit stratul de ozon \u015fi a\u0163i topit calota glaciar\u0103. Beau c\u00e2te un shot de fiecare nemernic care crap\u0103. Yeaaah.<\/p>\n Ce, m\u0103? 480 de rom\u00e2ni bolnavi? \u015ei e \u00eentre ei \u015fi Gheorghe, \u0103la care mi-a suflat gagica din liceu? A\u015fa \u00ee\u0163i trebuie, Gheorghe, sper s\u0103 \u015fi mori, m\u0103, o s\u0103 joc geamparale pe morm\u00e2ntul t\u0103u, nemernicule. \u00cen sf\u00e2r\u015fit te-au ajuns blestemele mele. N-am \u00een\u0163epat p\u0103pu\u015fa aia voodoo at\u00e2\u0163ia ani degeaba.”<\/p>\n S\u0103get\u0103torul\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n “Mam\u0103\u0103\u0103, ce mi\u015fto e ora\u015ful \u0103sta gol, mi se face chef de plimbare. O plimbare lung\u0103, pe str\u0103zile goale. S\u0103 respiri aer curat \u015fi s\u0103 te bucuri de singur\u0103tate, de parc\u0103 ai fi ultimul locuitor r\u0103mas \u00een via\u0163\u0103.<\/p>\n Dar dac\u0103 m\u0103 vede cineva? Am o idee. Tot sunt eu bun la makeup, ia s\u0103-mi pictez fa\u0163a lui Cump\u0103na\u015fu sau a lui M\u0103lin Bot. Pe \u0103ia oricum nu-i \u00eentreab\u0103 nimeni de s\u0103n\u0103tate, dimpotriv\u0103.”<\/p>\n Capricornul\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n “Mare diferen\u0163\u0103 nu e, c\u0103 eu nu am nici un prieten oricum. S\u0103 muncesc de acas\u0103 \u00eemi place, exact asta c\u0103utam, dar \u00eenainte de coronavirus insistau to\u0163i angajatorii t\u00e2mpi\u0163i s\u0103 m\u0103 prezint la munc\u0103. \u015ei asta \u00eensemna s\u0103 fac baie \u00een fiecare zi. Prea mult efort. Fac remote la trei firme deodat\u0103, banii la saltea \u015fi economisesc \u015fi deodorantul, \u015fi pasta de din\u0163i. Corona, te iubesc. O s\u0103 beau o bere Corona \u00een cinstea ta.”<\/p>\n V\u0103rs\u0103torul\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n “Mie de fapt \u00eemi place acas\u0103. Pot s\u0103 vorbesc lini\u015ftit cu prietenii mei imaginari \u015fi nu se uit\u0103 nimeni la mine suspect. El e unicornul Manole \u015fi pa\u015fte lucern\u0103 metaforic\u0103. Ce mai faci, Manole? Mai dansezi cadril \u00een trei copite?<\/p>\n Ea e sirena Aglaia \u015fi are coada \u00een solzi roz. Da, \u00eenoat\u0103 \u015fi \u00een aer, c\u0103 e sirena mea, nu a ta. Aglaia, te iubesc platonic, imagine a femeii ideale. Piapt\u0103n\u0103-mi must\u0103\u0163ile cu o furculi\u0163\u0103 de diamant \u015fi spune-mi c\u0103 numai eu pot fi sirenul t\u0103u.<\/p>\n Cine are nevoie de prieteni reali?<\/p>\n De fapt, singurul meu prieten real e c\u0103\u0163elul Grigore, cu care discut despre nemurirea sufletului. Dar Grigore zace mort \u00een col\u0163 de trei s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2ni pentru c\u0103 am uitat s\u0103-i dau s\u0103 m\u0103n\u00e2nce, ocupat fiind cu discu\u0163iile despre volatilitatea mor\u0163ii cu Grigore-cel-din-mintea mea. Care e oricum mai interesant dec\u00e2t r\u0103posatul Grigore, \u0163in\u0103-l Manitu \u00een gr\u0103dinile cele pururi verzi. Grigore, tu nu \u015ftii, dar vei r\u0103m\u00e2ne mereu \u00eencapsulat \u00een imagina\u0163ia mea.<\/p>\n Alo, Costele, mi s-au terminat pastilele, crezi c\u0103 mai po\u0163i s\u0103 aduci?<\/p>\n Stai. Oare am dat telefonul \u0103sta pe bune, sau doar mi-am imaginat c\u0103 l-am dat?”<\/p>\n Pe\u015ftii\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n \u00cenc\u0103 o zi \u00een care n-am f\u0103cut Coronavirus, dar o simt cum m\u0103 p\u00e2nde\u015fte prin pere\u0163i, gata s\u0103 m\u0103 \u00eenha\u0163e \u015fi s\u0103 m\u0103 devoreze.<\/p>\n Temperatura… 36.8. Ieri a fost 36.7. Oare e un indiciu?<\/p>\n Oare m\u0103 doare g\u00e2tul, sau mi se pare?<\/p>\n Ia s\u0103 iau vitamine, minerale, concentrat de echinacea pentru imunitate \u015fi un antiinflamator pentru just in case. M\u0103 \u00eemboln\u0103ve\u015fte g\u00e2ndul c\u0103 m-a\u015f putea \u00eemboln\u0103vi.<\/p>\n Oare m-a g\u00e2dilat ceva \u00een nas, sau mi s-a p\u0103rut c\u0103 m-a g\u00e2dilat? Nu, deocamdat\u0103 nu iese nimic.<\/p>\n Deocamdat\u0103.<\/p>\n Dar s\u0103 nu ne \u00eemb\u0103t\u0103m cu ap\u0103 rece. Se \u015ftie doar c\u0103 primele zile de infec\u0163ie nu au simptome.<\/p>\n M\u00e2ine sigur o s\u0103 m\u0103 trezesc cu febr\u0103 sau cu r\u0103gu\u015feal\u0103. Pariez un milion de dolari.<\/p>\n Parc\u0103 m\u0103 doare un pic capul. O fi coronavirus?<\/p>\n Pot prevesti c\u0103 eu voi fi primul rom\u00e2n care moare de coronavirus”.<\/p>\n ***<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Dac\u0103 \u00ee\u0163i place acest blog, ai avut vreodat\u0103 inten\u0163ia s\u0103-l sus\u0163ii dar ai tot am\u00e2nat, acum ar fi un moment foarte bun.<\/p>\n *** ***<\/p>\n Ascult\u0103 Jet pe Spotify<\/a><\/strong>, cump\u0103r\u0103 piesa pe iTunes<\/strong><\/a> sau pe Amazon Music<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Pe acest blog, horoscoapele au un succes monstruos. \u0218i secretul const\u0103 \u00een faptul c\u0103 nu le lu\u0103m foarte \u00een serios. V-am povestit deja c\u0103...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":12815,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-19238","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/astro.jpg?fit=1200%2C1200&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19238","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=19238"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19238\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":20550,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19238\/revisions\/20550"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/12815"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=19238"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=19238"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=19238"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/cafea-300x300.jpg?resize=300%2C300\")
<\/a><\/p>\n
\nVrei s\u0103 m\u0103 urm\u0103re\u015fti \u00een social media? \u00cemi po\u0163i da like pe Facebook<\/strong><\/a>, follow pe Twitter<\/a><\/strong> \u015fi Instagram<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n