“Nu \u00eemi place vorba lung\u0103, deci: Dac\u0103 te fwoo\u0163i repede \u015fi f\u0103r\u0103 figuri pe tine, trimite mesaj pe Whatsapp. Ata\u015feaz\u0103 poz\u0103 plan \u00eebtreg, poz\u0103 cu fa\u0163a \u015fi \u0163\u00e2\u0163e. Aplica\u0163iile f\u0103r\u0103 \u0163\u00e2\u0163e nu se iau \u00een considerare!” <\/p>\n
TAURUL.<\/strong><\/p>\n “Suflet blajin \u0219i sentimental, posesor al unui frigider side by side by side by side de patru u\u0219i, creat custom, caut comesean. O s\u0103 purt\u0103m dialog cald \u0219i plin de iubire \u00een timp ce vom devora necesarul de m\u00e2ncare al regimentului 14 infanterie, vom g\u0103ti la loc, c\u0103 nu putem l\u0103sa minun\u0103\u021bie de frigider mamut s\u0103 fluiere v\u00e2ntul prin el. \u0218i apoi, vom mai m\u00e2nca o dat\u0103. GEMENII.<\/strong><\/p>\n “Copil interior, f\u0103r\u0103 aloca\u021bie, caut p\u0103rinte singur care s\u0103 m\u0103 adopte. \u021ain s\u0103 men\u021bionez de la bun \u00eenceput c\u0103 p\u0103rin\u021bii nu m-au iubit destul \u00een copil\u0103rie. OK, mi-au f\u0103cut toate poftele, m-au g\u00e2dilat \u00een coarne de mi-au crescut altele dou\u0103 pe l\u00e2ng\u0103, dar nu a fost destul pentru mine. Iube\u0219te-m\u0103 tu destul. RACUL<\/strong><\/p>\n “Caut iubire adev\u0103rat\u0103. Filmul meu personal de Hallmark. Vreau un prin\u0163 pe cal alb, sau o prin\u0163es\u0103 pe cal alb, s\u0103 m\u0103 \u00eenv\u0103luie \u00een c\u0103ldura bra\u0163elor lui sau ei tandre \u015fi s\u0103 m\u0103 duc\u0103 p\u00e2n\u0103 \u00eentr-un turn de filde\u015f, \u015fi s\u0103 m\u0103 urce \u00een bra\u0163e 99 de \u015firuri de trepte, apoi s\u0103 fac\u0103 dulce dragoste cu mine toat\u0103 noaptea. LEUL<\/strong><\/p>\n Pagin\u0103 special\u0103, din h\u00e2rtie lucioas\u0103 neagr\u0103, font auriu cu litere gotice. <\/p>\n “ZEUL T\u0102U <\/p>\n CAUT\u0102 <\/p>\n PREOTEAS\u0102. <\/p>\n (sau invers, v\u0103 prinde\u0163i voi). <\/p>\n Vrei o via\u0163\u0103 fabuloas\u0103 ca o reclam\u0103 la videochat \u00een fiecare zi? Vrei opulen\u0163\u0103 maxim\u0103, cum neam de neamul t\u0103u de fomi\u015fti n-a visat? Le po\u0163i avea pe toate, la umbra binevoitoare a zeului t\u0103u. Nimic mai simplu. <\/p>\n Cite\u015fte cele zece porunci \u015fi \u00eenlocuie\u015fte Dumnezeu cu mine. <\/p>\n Succes \u00een a m\u0103 ob\u0163ine”. <\/p>\n FECIOARA<\/strong><\/p>\n “Domn \/ doamn\u0103 serios \/ serioas\u0103 caut\u0103 partener de igien\u0103 personal\u0103 impecabil\u0103 pentru cea mai antiseptic\u0103 rela\u0163ie din univers. La primul date te c\u0103ut\u0103m \u00een urechi \u015fi sub unghii, \u015fi dac\u0103 nu corespunzi, chem\u0103m un taxi \u015fi plec\u0103m. E ok, g\u0103sim noi o scuz\u0103. BALAN\u0162A.<\/strong><\/p>\n “Vreau b\u0103rbat \u00eenalt \u015fi brunet. Ba nu, vreau un blond suav \u015fi angelic. Ba nu, nu, nu vreau s\u0103 limitez \u015fansele nim\u0103nui. Vino cum e\u015fti, numai s\u0103 fii prezentabil. Ba nu, c\u0103 am cunoscut \u015fi ur\u00e2\u0163i cu carism\u0103. OK, po\u0163i s\u0103 fii \u015fi ur\u00e2t cu carism\u0103. Sau mai bine frumos? \u00cen fine, veni\u0163i to\u0163i \u015fi vedem cum ne organiz\u0103m. SCORPIONUL.<\/strong><\/p>\n “Magician \u00eentunecat \u015fi expert \u00een seduc\u0163ie subliminal\u0103, caut victim\u0103. \u00cempreun\u0103 vom crea scenariul unui nou film de Hitchcock. La final, te rogi tu s\u0103 mori.” <\/p>\n S\u0102GET\u0102TORUL.<\/strong><\/p>\n “Caut tovar\u0103\u015f de beri. Poate dac\u0103 ne \u00eemb\u0103t\u0103m suficient \u015fi r\u00e2dem de scoatem minimum o halb\u0103 pe n\u0103ri, ne \u015fi fwtem \u00een tufi\u015ful din spatele c\u00e2rciumii. Apoi lu\u0103m c\u00e2te un Uber, fiecare spre casa lui.” <\/p>\n CAPRICORNUL.<\/strong><\/p>\n “Caut persoan\u0103 foarte tolerant\u0103 la critic\u0103. Nu, nu e vorba de tine, e situa\u0163ia. \u015ei da, \u015fi tu puteai s\u0103 te str\u0103duie\u015fti mai mult, dar nu, nu-\u0163i repro\u015fez nimic, ai f\u0103cut \u015fi tu c\u00e2t ai putut. Mai mult nu aveai de unde, \u00een\u0163eleg. E \u00een regul\u0103, fiecare cu limitele noastre.” <\/p>\n V\u0102RS\u0102TORUL.<\/strong><\/p>\n “Caut act de transfigurare interioar\u0103. F\u0103-m\u0103 s\u0103-mi creasc\u0103 aripi, f\u0103-m\u0103 s\u0103 plutesc, f\u0103-m\u0103 s\u0103 m\u0103 simt beat \u015fi drogat din nimic, \u015fi f\u0103 toate astea cu o str\u00e2mb\u0103tur\u0103 din nas. Dac\u0103 nu \u00ee\u0163i iese, m\u0103 p\u0103strez pentru iubire adev\u0103rat\u0103. \u00centre timp, m\u0103 masturbez la scene de balet clasic rusesc, c\u0103 am o sexualitate mai intelectual\u0103.” <\/p>\n PE\u015eTII<\/strong><\/p>\n “Caut persoan\u0103 iubitoare \u015fi grijulie, care s\u0103 aib\u0103 memorie bun\u0103, s\u0103 \u015ftie ce medicament la ce or\u0103 s\u0103 ia, \u015fi s\u0103 \u015ftie c\u00e2t\u0103 l\u0103m\u00e2ie se pune \u00een ceaiul medicinal cu care se trateaz\u0103 boala mea de azi. ***<\/p>\n Dac\u0103 \u00ee\u0163i place acest blog, ai avut vreodat\u0103 inten\u0163ia s\u0103-l sus\u0163ii dar ai tot am\u00e2nat, acum ar fi un moment foarte bun.<\/p>\n *** ***<\/p>\n Ascult\u0103 Jet pe Spotify<\/a><\/strong>, cump\u0103r\u0103 piesa pe iTunes<\/strong><\/a> sau pe Amazon Music<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p>\n ***<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Horoscopul, doamnelor \u0219i domnilor, este o art\u0103. O art\u0103 naiv\u0103, desigur, dar naivitatea a fost considerat\u0103 principala virtute a femeii timp de milenii. Dac\u0103...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":19435,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-19429","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/04\/horoscope.jpg?fit=640%2C480&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19429","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=19429"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19429\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":19434,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19429\/revisions\/19434"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/19435"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=19429"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=19429"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=19429"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nCred c\u0103 principala gaur\u0103 a omului este gura, \u0219i c\u00e2nd vine vorba de a mea, \u00eemi place s\u0103 fie mereu plin\u0103.
\nRog seriozitate.
\nAvantaje: s\u0103 fi luat minimum cu\u021bitul de aur la Chefi la cu\u021bite.” <\/p>\n
\nDac\u0103 po\u021bi.
\nDup\u0103 patru divor\u021buri, mi-e greu s\u0103 cred c\u0103 exist\u0103 cel care poate. Dar po\u021bi s\u0103 \u00eencerci. \u00ce\u021bi zic eu c\u00e2nd e cazul de mai pu\u0163in. Ok, niciodat\u0103.
\nAlooou, ce faci aici, \u00eemi trasezi obliga\u0163ii? Bitch, bye.”<\/p>\n
\nSunt cel mai empatic partener. \u00ce\u0163i ascult toate problemele \u015fi g\u0103sesc 99 de unghiuri noi din care s\u0103-mi fie mil\u0103 de tine. \u015ei desigur, asta \u0163ine loc de o solu\u0163ie. Ah. \u015fi m\u0103 a\u015ftept la acela\u015fi exerci\u0163iu din partea ta, pentru c\u0103 glandele mele lacrimale sunt mai generoase dec\u00e2t ugerele unei vaci care a f\u0103tat alalt\u0103ieri.
\nTe iubesc cu premeditare, f\u0103r\u0103 s\u0103 te cunosc \u015fi \u015ftiu c\u0103 e\u015fti undeva.” <\/p>\n
\nCe ai de f\u0103cut s\u0103 m\u0103 meri\u0163i? <\/p>\n
\nDac\u0103 ne ata\u015f\u0103m suficient de tine, o s\u0103 avem noi grij\u0103 s\u0103 te scobim personal \u00een urechi \u015fi \u00een unghii, s\u0103 te inspect\u0103m dac\u0103 te-ai \u015fters bine \u015fi multe alte opera\u0163ii de audit, care te vor transforma \u00een Partenerul Care Ne Merit\u0103.
\nDar va fi ok. Vei avea mereu Cif \u015fi Domestos pe c\u00e2te trei ani \u00een avans. <\/p>\n
\nEsen\u0163ial. \u00cemi plac complimentele. Altfel m\u0103 pui pe g\u00e2nduri dac\u0103 m\u0103 placi suficient sau nu.” <\/p>\n
\nDa, sunt o enciclopedie delicat\u0103 \u015fi incert\u0103 a tuturor bolilor p\u0103m\u00e2ntului. Ele \u00eemi dau un aer misterios, gen Traviata \u00een actul trei, mai pu\u0163in decesul de la final. Dup\u0103 at\u00e2ta ceai, po\u0163i s\u0103 fii sigur c\u0103 eu o s\u0103 port voal negru la \u00eenmorm\u00e2ntarea ta.” <\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/cafea-300x300.jpg?resize=300%2C300\")
<\/a><\/p>\n
\nVrei s\u0103 m\u0103 urm\u0103re\u015fti \u00een social media? \u00cemi po\u0163i da like pe Facebook<\/strong><\/a>, follow pe Twitter<\/a><\/strong> \u015fi Instagram<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n