<\/p>\n\n\n\n
*<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Horoscopul e pl\u0103cerea vinovat\u0103 a cititorilor acestui site. Mai ales consider\u00e2nd trecutul meu de astrolog la toate revistele la care am lucrat \u015fi talentul cu care am reciclat horoscoape vechi furate din vechi reviste Bravo \u015fi Popcorn nem\u0163e\u015fti. \u015ei mai ales pentru c\u0103 nu e nimic serios \u00een aceste horoscoape. Ne juc\u0103m cu ni\u015fte cli\u015fee pentru efect comic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A\u015fadar, care e modalitatea ta de a te ocupa de ni\u015fte kilograme r\u0103zle\u0163e \u015fi obraznice, care \u015fi-au luat libertatea de a se depune pe silueta ta gra\u0163ioas\u0103?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Berbecul<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n “Mi se rupe pwla franjuri. \u00cemi place s\u0103 m\u0103n\u00e2nc \u015fi punct. O zi \u00een care n-am sim\u0163it bucuria gustului \u00een gur\u0103 e o zi f\u0103r\u0103 rost. De ce s\u0103 rabd eu foame pentru c\u0103 sunte\u0163i voi ni\u015fte creiere netede care a\u0163i decis c\u0103 scobitorile sunt frumoase? Mi-e foame \u015fi gata. Dac\u0103 nu-\u0163i place cum ar\u0103t, mije\u015fte ochii sau uit\u0103-te \u00eencolo. Chelner, \u00eenc\u0103 o friptur\u0103!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Taurul <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n “Nu-mi lua m\u00e2ncaaaarea dac\u0103 pleci \/ Mai las\u0103-m\u0103 s\u0103 mu\u015fc din ea \/ \u00cen nop\u0163ile pustii \u015fi reci \/ Am bucuria c\u0103-i a mea. Nu a\u015fa sunt versurile? Whatever, asta \u00eemi c\u00e2nt pe biciclet\u0103 \u00een cele 2 ore pe zi \u00een care muncesc din greu s\u0103 dau jos burgerul \u0103la delicios de la care nici apostolii lui Isus nu s-ar fi putut ab\u0163ine. Mmmm, \u015ftii cum era chifla aia rumen\u0103, crocant\u0103, \u00eenmiresmat\u0103? \u015ei \u015ftii cum era carnea zemoas\u0103, fraged\u0103, suculent\u0103, perfect condimentat\u0103? Mam\u0103, \u015fi mur\u0103turile alea care explodau de savoare. \u00cemi plou\u0103 \u00een gur\u0103 c\u00e2nd \u00eemi aduc aminte.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Nu-mi lua m\u00e2\u00e2\u00e2\u00e2ncareaaaaaa dac\u0103 pleci.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n Gemenii <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n “I’m sexy and I know it. \u00cenc\u0103 \u00eemi vine s\u0103 m\u0103 f singur(\u0103) c\u00e2nd m\u0103 uit \u00een oglind\u0103. Cine are nevoie de desert c\u00e2nd fiecare vitrin\u0103 reflect\u0103 un asemenea eye candy? Girl, look at that body.<\/p>\n\n\n\n S\u0103 zic\u0103 mersi Adriana Lima c\u0103 nu m-am f\u0103cut EU fotomodel, c\u0103 acum \u015foma la metrou. Oh, da, uite ce pantaloni cool. C\u00e2t, m\u0103sura XS? No problem, \u00eentr-o s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2n\u0103 o s\u0103 fiu XS, s\u0103 \u015ftiu de bine c\u0103 o s\u0103 tr\u0103iesc doar cu ap\u0103, sex \u015fi yoga.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n Racul <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n “Ce conteaz\u0103 c\u00e2te kilograme am dac\u0103 Vasile nu m\u0103 iube\u015fte? Ieri m-am uitat la fotografiile noastre comune pe Facebook \u015fi m-a cuprins o durere sf\u00e2\u015fietoare, care nu mi-a trecut dec\u00e2t cu un kilogram de \u00eenghe\u0163at\u0103.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Oricum, via\u0163a mea f\u0103r\u0103 Vasile e inutil\u0103 \u015fi degeaba, vreau s\u0103 fac diabet \u015fi s\u0103 mor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Stai a\u015fa. M-a \u00eentrebat Mircea cf. E ok, hai la sal\u0103!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n Leul <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n “678, 679, 680. Mai am pu\u0163in \u015fi ajung la 700 de abdomene. Cine are mu\u015fchi de o\u0163el, putere de titan \u015fi bate recorduri personale din dou\u0103 \u00een dou\u0103 luni? Exact. Regele vostru.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Mbun, hai c\u0103 au deschis un restaurant spaniol nou \u015fi am auzit c\u0103 paella e ca \u00een Madrid. Fac eu cinste.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n Fecioara <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n “A\u015fadar. 200 de grame de \u015func\u0103 slab\u0103, feliat\u0103. Nu, doamn\u0103, nu r\u0103m\u00e2ne 210. Dieta zice 200. Un pic de precizie se poate, ne concentr\u0103m, v\u0103 rog frumos?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Mam\u0103\u0103\u0103, mai sunt 20 de minute p\u00e2n\u0103 la ora 13. C\u00e2nd zice dieta c\u0103 pot s\u0103 m\u0103n\u00e2nc pr\u00e2nzul. Ia s\u0103 sp\u0103l buc\u0103t\u0103ria p\u00e2n\u0103 atunci, s\u0103 uit c\u0103 t\u00e2mpesc de foame.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n Balan\u0163a <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n “Da, o s\u0103 sl\u0103besc. Dar m\u0103 apuc de luni, s\u0103 fie a\u015fa, un start frumos planificat. Mam\u0103\u0103\u0103, meniul zilei include pl\u0103cint\u0103 cu cire\u015fe? Oook. Lunea viitoare. Da, da, totul e sub control. Azi ne mai bucur\u0103m de fettucine Alfredo, dar de luuni suntem sfin\u0163i. Stai, meniul zilei e cu cl\u0103titeee cu br\u00e2nz\u0103 \u015fi m\u0103rar. Eu zic s\u0103 mai am\u00e2n\u0103m o s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2n\u0103.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Scorpionul <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n “Ah, abia a\u015ftept s\u0103 ajungem acas\u0103, \u015fi s\u0103 ne-o tragem ca demen\u0163ii, suspenda\u0163i \u00een chingi. Cic\u0103 arzi \u015fi calorii. Bine, nu prea am cum s\u0103 m\u0103 \u00eengra\u015f, c\u00e2nd sunt \u00eentotdeauna deasupra. \u015ei prin \u00eentotdeauna, i f**ing mean \u00eentotdeauna. As in f\u0103r\u0103 \u00eentrerupere. Viagra a fost inventat\u0103 de un Scorpion b\u0103tr\u00e2n.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n S\u0103get\u0103torul<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n “Pfff, e deja diminea\u0163\u0103, \u015fi eu am terminat zece sezoane de serial? Ah, \u00eenc\u0103 o zi \u00een care n-am m\u00e2ncat nimic, se pare. Whatever. C\u00e2nd timp am Netflix, sunt satiated.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n Capricornul <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n “Cum vrei s\u0103 ai succes social \u015fi s\u0103 te impui, dac\u0103 at\u00e2rn\u0103 \u015funcile pe tine? Hai la sport. Nu, serios, omul trebuie s\u0103 intre pe u\u015f\u0103 \u015fi s\u0103 \u00ee\u0163i vin\u0103 s\u0103-\u0163i sco\u0163i p\u0103l\u0103ria c\u00e2nd \u00eel vezi, altfel, te trimit to\u0163i dup\u0103 \u0163ig\u0103ri.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Alo, domnule croitor? Vin s\u0103 \u00eemi l\u0103rgi\u0163i un pic sacoul \u0103la de care am vorbit. Dar s\u0103-l cambra\u0163i, s\u0103 par\u0103 c\u0103 sunt de o suple\u0163e incomensurabil\u0103. Omul trebuie s\u0103 dea bine, s\u0103 merite respect”.<\/p>\n\n\n\n V\u0103rs\u0103torul <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n “Adev\u0103rata frumuse\u0163e se ascunde \u00een spirit. Ce conteaz\u0103 c\u0103 \u0103la e frumos, dac\u0103 moare intelectul general pe o raz\u0103 de 20 de metri \u00een jur de c\u00e2te ori deschide gura? Noi nu suntem carne, suntem idei. OK, tu e\u015fti un paragraf \u00eentreg, n-ar strica o editare, dar e\u015fti profund \u015fi subtil, de zici c\u0103 te-a z\u0103mislit Octavian Paler prin imaculat\u0103 concep\u0163ie.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n Pe\u015ftii<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n “Nu m\u0103 simt bine. Parc\u0103 m-am \u00eengr\u0103\u015fat. Am a\u015fa o stare de apatie, de mole\u015feal\u0103, parc\u0103 nu sunt eu. E \u00eengrozitor s\u0103 te \u00eengra\u015fi, sim\u0163i deja cum \u0163i se depun lipidele pe fiecare arter\u0103 \u015fi te apropie fatidic de sf\u00e2r\u015fit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Trebuie s\u0103 sl\u0103besc. Nu vreau s\u0103 mor. Nu vreau s\u0103 m\u0103 cuprind\u0103 bolile.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Alo, domnule doctor, a\u015f vrea s\u0103-mi programez o consulta\u0163ie. Parc\u0103 \u00eemi bate ciudat inima. Da, analize complete. S\u0103 m\u0103 asigur c\u0103 trupul meu firav poate face fa\u0163\u0103 unui efort, cum e sl\u0103bitul. C\u0103 am suflu sistolic \u015fi mi-e \u015fi fric\u0103 s\u0103 nu mor pe biciclet\u0103.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n *** ***<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ascult\u0103 Jet pe Spotify<\/a><\/strong>, cump\u0103r\u0103 piesa pe iTunes<\/strong><\/a> sau pe Amazon Music<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" * Horoscopul e pl\u0103cerea vinovat\u0103 a cititorilor acestui site. Mai ales consider\u00e2nd trecutul meu de astrolog la toate revistele la care am lucrat \u015fi...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":19894,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"status","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-19848","post","type-post","status-publish","format-status","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spicy","post_format-post-format-status"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/asparagus-steak.jpg?fit=640%2C426&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19848","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=19848"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19848\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":22027,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19848\/revisions\/22027"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/19894"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=19848"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=19848"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=19848"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nVrei s\u0103 m\u0103 urm\u0103re\u015fti \u00een social media? \u00cemi po\u0163i da like pe Facebook<\/strong><\/a>, follow pe Twitter<\/a><\/strong> \u015fi Instagram<\/a><\/strong>, subscribe pe YouTube<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n