{"id":20149,"date":"2020-07-30T11:04:57","date_gmt":"2020-07-30T08:04:57","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/?p=20149"},"modified":"2020-07-31T10:16:24","modified_gmt":"2020-07-31T07:16:24","slug":"toxicitati-de-mama-neajutata","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/toxicitati-de-mama-neajutata\/","title":{"rendered":"Toxicit\u0103\u0163i de mam\u0103 neajutat\u0103"},"content":{"rendered":"

Scriam zilele astea cum au curs valuri de cerneal\u0103 despre “masculinitatea toxic\u0103”, adic\u0103 gigeii care te-au c\u00e2\u015ftigat la belciuge \u015fi \u00eencep s\u0103-\u0163i pretind\u0103 chestii f\u0103r\u0103 s\u0103 fi justificat asta cu vreo form\u0103 de compensa\u0163ie care s\u0103 merite din punctul celuilalt de vedere. Dar cum singurul factor care a \u00eempiedicat p\u00e2n\u0103 acum pe unele femei s\u0103 fie “b\u0103rba\u0163i toxici” a fost faptul c\u0103 nu au avut drepturi.
\nAcum, c\u0103 le au, vedem mai des \u015fi de la femei fenomenul slut shaming, gaslighting din \u0103la iritant cu “\u00eemi fac idei despre tine \u015fi \u0163i le bag pe g\u00e2t drept realitatea ta” sau “dac\u0103 nu ob\u0163in ce vreau de la tine (necuvenit), \u00eencep s\u0103 te presez cu jigniri”.<\/p>\n

\u015ei \u00een sec\u0163iunea de comentarii, a \u00eenceput s\u0103-mi scrie o mam\u0103 cum partenerul ei nu o ajut\u0103 cu nimic \u00een cas\u0103, \u015fi \u00eencepe s\u0103 o fac\u0103 “toxic\u0103” atunci c\u00e2nd \u00eei cere s\u0103 pun\u0103 \u015fi el m\u00e2na pe ceva.
\n“Arunc\u0103 doar a\u015fa cu epitete. Mai ales c\u00e2nd se pune problema s\u0103 mai spele \u0219i el un du\u015f, o toalet\u0103… Sau pur \u0219i simplu, s\u0103 se mai uite \u0219i el la copii.”\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Am \u00eentrebat mai multe detalii \u015fi mi-a povestit \u00een continuare.<\/p>\n

Culmea e c\u0103 sare repede cu atacul, ca s\u0103 nu mai apuc s\u0103 zic eu ceva de el. R\u0103m\u00e2n uneori proast\u0103 de ce aud \u0219i nu \u00eemi mai g\u0103sesc cuvintele. \u0218i nici nu mai \u0219tiu ce sa cred, \u00eemi pun problema c\u0103 cine \u0219tie, poate are el dreptate. \u00cemi mai spunea un prieten comun, c\u0103 mvai, s\u0103 \u00eencerc s\u0103 \u00eei vorbesc cu “iubi, nu vrei s\u0103 faci tu… X lucru?” <\/strong><\/p>\n

M\u0103i, dar eu simt c\u0103 mai am pu\u021bin \u0219i m\u0103 urc pe pere\u021bi cu \u0103\u0219tia mici, singur\u0103 toat\u0103 ziulica, chiar nu pot s\u0103 a\u0219tept un om care, din punctul meu de vedere, e mai odihnit \u0219i plimbat ca mine, cu z\u00e2mbete \u0219i fund\u0103 ro\u0219ie la g\u00e2t. Ok, \u00eemi asum, oi fi enervant\u0103. Dar ajutor primesc \u0219i eu de la cineva? Poate da, chiar sunt toxic\u0103. Toxicitate de mam\u0103 neajutat\u0103, ne\u00een\u0163eleas\u0103, singur\u0103, ar\u0103tat\u0103 cu degetul, care nu prime\u0219te nici doi lei sau vreo apreciere pentru tot ce face \u0219i asa mai departe. Poate chiar a\u015fa o fi… \u015ei ce \u00eemi pare r\u0103u este c\u0103 de agresivitatea sau toxicitatea mea “beneficiaz\u0103” tot copiii…<\/strong><\/p>\n

Chiar foarte r\u0103u. A\u015fa am p\u0103\u0163it \u015fi eu cu mama. \u00ce\u015fi desc\u0103rca pe noi furia \u015fi frustrarea de femeie neajutat\u0103, \u015fi taman de aceea, ani \u00een \u015fir nu am vorbit cu ea. P\u00e2n\u0103 am ajuns la maturitatea emo\u0163ional\u0103 de a vedea cum se \u00eemp\u0103r\u0163ea de fapt vina.<\/p>\n

Bottomline: Nu v\u0103 mai r\u0103zbuna\u0163i pe copii pentru alegerile voastre abominabile \u00een materie de b\u0103rba\u0163i. Nu copiii v-au m\u0103ritat cu boul puturos \u015fi narcisist care nu face nimic \u00een cas\u0103 \u015fi se a\u015fteapt\u0103 doar s\u0103 fie servit. \u00cen schimb, ce face\u0163i cu asta e c\u0103 \u00eei deprinde\u0163i de mici s\u0103 nu aib\u0103 \u00eencredere \u00een nimeni \u015fi s\u0103 evite intimitatea, de vreme ce persoana care ar fi trebuit s\u0103-i iubeasc\u0103 \u015fi s\u0103-i sus\u0163in\u0103 injecta \u00een ei venin \u015fi frustr\u0103ri.<\/p>\n

Pentru fetele care sunt \u00eenc\u0103 singure, am un sfat \u00een\u0163elept: Gagici, c\u0103uta\u0163i s\u0103-i identifica\u0163i din faza de dating pe jego\u015fii care au impresia c\u0103 toat\u0103 munca din cas\u0103 e treaba ta, \u015fi c\u0103 ei nu trebuie s\u0103 contribuie cu nimic, \u015fi da\u0163i-le flit din timp, c\u0103 iat\u0103 unde se ajunge.<\/p>\n

\u015eti\u0163i eterna discu\u0163ie cu “de ce s\u0103 pl\u0103teasc\u0103 b\u0103rbatul consuma\u0163ia?”<\/p>\n

Un b\u0103rbat care \u0163ine la voi \u015fi vrea s\u0103 fie parte a unei rela\u0163ii echitabile o pl\u0103te\u015fte f\u0103r\u0103 s\u0103 cr\u00e2cneasc\u0103, \u015fi f\u0103r\u0103 s\u0103-i treac\u0103 o secund\u0103 prin cap alt\u0103 versiune, \u015fi \u0103la e un b\u0103rbat cu care ai ce face.<\/p>\n

Restul – v\u0103 scuti\u0163i de o poveste similar\u0103 cu ceea ce citi\u0163i mai sus.<\/p>\n

OK. Dar mul\u0163i mimeaz\u0103 conving\u0103tor c\u0103 sunt super oameni, p\u00e2n\u0103 se v\u0103d c\u0103s\u0103tori\u0163i, apoi scot lepra nesim\u0163it\u0103 \u015fi entitled la iveal\u0103.<\/p>\n

Taman de aceea, iat\u0103 al doilea sfat de la prietena voastr\u0103 Lorena.<\/p>\n

Nu v\u0103 gr\u0103bi\u0163i s\u0103-i face\u0163i copii repede.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00cent\u00e2i sta\u0163i cu ei c\u00e2teva luni, un an, doi, s\u0103 vede\u0163i dac\u0103 e omul care pune osul la treab\u0103 \u015fi \u00een\u0163elege ideea de a contribui activ la bugetul unei familii, sau e un misecuvenist care \u015fi-a luat menajer\u0103 \u015fi surs\u0103 de sex moca.<\/p>\n

\u015ei dac\u0103 e versiunea a doua, va avea tactici \u00eembun\u0103t\u0103\u0163ite \u015fi revizuite s\u0103 fac\u0103 femeile s\u0103 se simt\u0103 vinovate de c\u00e2te ori \u00eei cer ceva. Iar cu \u0103sta, NU face\u0163i copii.<\/p>\n

Mi se rupe de ceasul biologic \u015fi de nevoia de a f\u0103ta. O femeie f\u0103r\u0103 copii, cu venit oric\u00e2t de modest, are o via\u0163\u0103 mai bun\u0103 dec\u00e2t ceea ce descrie aceast\u0103 doamn\u0103.<\/p>\n

\u015ei c\u00e2nd \u00eemi poveste\u015fte mama bovinismele lui taic\u0103-miu, eu \u0163ip la ea la telefon: “\u015ei tu, \u00een loc s\u0103 bagi divor\u0163 a doua zi, i-ai f\u0103cut neispr\u0103vitului \u0103stuia \u015fi copii?? M\u0103 scuzi, dac\u0103 da, nu ai ce s\u0103-i repro\u015fezi. El doar a profitat, pentru c\u0103 a putut. Repro\u015feaz\u0103-\u0163i \u0163ie<\/strong>“.<\/p>\n

Dar ok, a\u0163i fost fraiere \u015fi i-a\u0163i f\u0103cut c\u00e2te unui monstru de misecuvenism \u015fi narcisism ca \u0103sta \u015fi copii. Din mitul \u0103la b\u0103besc fals care spune: Copiii o s\u0103-l schimbe, maic\u0103.<\/p>\n

Nu, maic\u0103, n-o s\u0103-l schimbe. Unul grijuliu cu tine va fi grijuliu \u015fi cu copiii, iar unul care \u015fi-a luat servitoare moca se va chiar frustra c\u0103 acum \u00eemparte servitoarea cu \u00eenc\u0103 unii.<\/p>\n

P\u0103rerea mea e c\u0103 trebuie s\u0103 bagi divor\u0163.<\/p>\n

M\u00e2ine, la prima or\u0103.<\/p>\n

\u0102sta e prea jegos, prea nedemn \u015fi prea lipsit de orice urm\u0103 de corectitudine s\u0103 mai renegociezi ceva.<\/p>\n

Faza cu “iubi, nu vrei te rog s\u0103 faci X” merge \u00een prima lun\u0103 de rela\u0163ie. P\u00e2n\u0103 \u00een anul al nu \u015ftiu c\u00e2telea, \u00eentr-un cuplu bazat pe echitate s-au \u00eemp\u0103r\u0163it de la sine ce face unul \u015fi ce face cel\u0103lalt, \u015fi nu ai de ce s\u0103 rogi ceva ce e treaba lui, ci eventual, dac\u0103, din anumite motive, ai nevoie de ajutor suplimentar.<\/p>\n

A\u015fadar, DIVOR\u0162,<\/p>\n

Ia-\u0163i copiii, pleac\u0103. Mut\u0103-te undeva lini\u015ftit, unde po\u0163i s\u0103-i cre\u015fti \u00een siguran\u0163\u0103 \u015fi dragoste.<\/p>\n

\u015ei d\u0103-l \u00een judecat\u0103 pe bou pentru pensie alimentar\u0103, s\u0103 \u00een\u0163eleag\u0103 \u00een mor\u0163ii lui c\u0103, odat\u0103 ce ai familie, ai obliga\u0163ii. Care NU sunt op\u0163ionale.<\/p>\n

Nu mai sta nici m\u0103car o zi cu unul ca \u0103sta. Dac\u0103 \u0163ii neap\u0103rat s\u0103 serve\u015fti, sunt o gr\u0103mad\u0103 de hoteluri care angajeaz\u0103 cameriste, \u015fi \u015ftii ceva? M\u0103car prime\u015fti salariu, bonuri de mas\u0103, bac\u015fi\u015furi \u015fi a\u015fa mai departe.<\/p>\n

Iar legat de cei care “te arat\u0103 cu degetul” tot pe tine: invita\u0163ie deschis\u0103 s\u0103 te pupe ad\u00e2nc \u00een kuhr.<\/p>\n

Respecta\u0163i-v\u0103 un pic mai mult, gagici. Evita\u0163i genul c\u0103ruia \u00eei pas\u0103 doar de pla lui. Pentru \u0103la s-au inventat lucr\u0103toarele sexuale. \u015ei face\u0163i-le copii doar b\u0103rba\u0163ilor care au stof\u0103 de ta\u0163i.<\/p>\n

S\u0103 nu ajunge\u0163i ca aceast\u0103 cititoare.<\/p>\n

Azi-noapte umblam cu copiii, unul \u00een bra\u021be, altul de m\u00e2n\u0103, am\u00e2ndoi \u00een pijamale, prin ora\u0219. S\u0103 ne lini\u0219tim dup\u0103 alte scene, crize, acuze.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Izvor\u00e2te, probabil, din “Dar mai f\u0103 \u015fi tu ceva \u00een cas\u0103, c\u0103 nu e\u015fti mobil\u0103”.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Dac\u0103 v-a pl\u0103cut acest text, pute\u021bi fi sus\u021bin\u0103tori de n\u0103dejde.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

***
\nVrei s\u0103 m\u0103 urm\u0103re\u015fti \u00een social media? \u00cemi po\u0163i da like pe Facebook<\/strong><\/a>, follow pe Twitter<\/a><\/strong> \u015fi Instagram<\/a><\/strong>, subscribe pe YouTube<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Ascult\u0103 Jet pe Spotify<\/a><\/strong>, cump\u0103r\u0103 piesa pe iTunes<\/strong><\/a> sau pe Amazon Music<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Scriam zilele astea cum au curs valuri de cerneal\u0103 despre “masculinitatea toxic\u0103”, adic\u0103 gigeii care te-au c\u00e2\u015ftigat la belciuge \u015fi \u00eencep s\u0103-\u0163i pretind\u0103 chestii...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":18634,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-20149","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/11\/angryemo.jpg?fit=1203%2C834&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20149","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=20149"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20149\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":20156,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20149\/revisions\/20156"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/18634"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=20149"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=20149"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=20149"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}