{"id":20158,"date":"2020-08-01T10:42:55","date_gmt":"2020-08-01T07:42:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/?p=20158"},"modified":"2020-08-01T10:42:55","modified_gmt":"2020-08-01T07:42:55","slug":"despre-parinti-numai-de-bine","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/despre-parinti-numai-de-bine\/","title":{"rendered":"Despre p\u0103rin\u021bi, numai de bine!"},"content":{"rendered":"

Am avut acum c\u00e2teva zile un articol dedicat unui mail de la o cititoare, o fat\u0103 proasp\u0103t ie\u015fit\u0103 din adolescen\u0163\u0103, care descria comportamentul abuziv al mamei sale. Sigur, la rom\u00e2ni, \u0163ipatul, urlatul, chiar \u015fi b\u0103taia sunt consemnate drept “abuz p\u0103rintesc normal”, dar ce descria fata asta mergea mai departe, pentru c\u0103 nici m\u0103car noi, \u0103\u015ftia, “abuza\u0163i normal”, nu eram \u0163inta urletelor \u015fi insultelor \u00een fiecare zi, de diminea\u0163a \u015fi p\u00e2n\u0103 seara.Mai luam o pauz\u0103 de mas\u0103.<\/p>\n

Dou\u0103 categorii de comentatori m-au scos din s\u0103rite \u015fi m-au f\u0103cut s\u0103 v\u0103d ro\u015fu \u00een fa\u0163a ochilor.<\/p>\n

Primii, cei cu copil\u0103rii echilibrate, bazate pe iubire, tandre\u0163e, \u00een\u0163elegere, amintiri duioase comune, dr\u0103g\u0103l\u0103\u015fenia unei vie\u0163i de familie normale. \u0102\u015ftia, c\u00e2nd un copil abuzat poveste\u015fte de istericalele f\u0103r\u0103 noim\u0103, cap \u015fi coad\u0103 ale maic\u0103-sii, sau violen\u0163a dezumanizant\u0103 a lui taic\u0103-su, \u00eencep s\u0103 se foiasc\u0103 nelini\u015fti\u0163i, de zici c\u0103 le zisese cineva ceva de mamele \u015fi ta\u0163ii lor.
\nPentru cei care au tr\u0103it copil\u0103rii de co\u015fmar, insulta e dubl\u0103.
\nDup\u0103 ce c\u0103 \u0103la sau aia a avut \u015fansa copil\u0103riei perfecte \u015fi a unui start confortabil \u00een via\u0163\u0103, \u00ee\u015fi mai \u015fi permite luxul de a te \u015fcoli pe tine c\u0103 trauma ta nu e chiar at\u00e2t de traum\u0103 \u015fi c\u0103 te smiorc\u0103i degeaba.
\nSiguran\u0163a de sine cu care oamenii bat c\u00e2mpii despre situa\u0163ii pe care nu le-au experimentat m\u0103 va \u00eenfrico\u015fa \u015fi uimi \u00eentotdeauna.<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

A doua categorie sunt “stoicii”. \u0102ia care \u015fi-au b\u0103gat traumele ad\u00e2nc de tot, p\u00e2n\u0103-n fund la taxatoare, sau, habar n-am, \u0103ia pe care b\u0103taia nu-i doare, ba poate chiar le place, sau, \u00eendr\u0103znesc s\u0103 speculez, \u0103ia care au un respect at\u00e2t de sc\u0103zut fa\u0163\u0103 de propria persoan\u0103, \u00eenc\u00e2t consider\u0103 c\u0103 au meritat tot ce au p\u0103\u0163it \u00een copil\u0103rie.<\/p>\n

\u0102ia vin s\u0103 te tuf\u0103 la icre cu self righteousness vomitiv, cu “poate c\u0103 \u0163ie \u0163i-a fost greu, dar nu \u015ftii cum le-a fost lor” (\u00eempulamea, nu m\u0103 intereseaz\u0103 s\u0103 m\u0103 m\u0103sor \u00een traume cu nimeni, \u015fi trauma mea nu func\u0163ioneaz\u0103 pe sistem de capra-vecinului, c\u0103 se mic\u015foreaz\u0103 brusc c\u00e2nd vede c\u0103 altul sufer\u0103 mai mult.)
\nE ca \u015fi cum a c\u0103zut unul, s-a julit la genunchi, s\u00e2ngereaz\u0103, \u015fi tu explici r\u0103nii: F\u0103, nu \u0163i-e ru\u015fine s\u0103 s\u00e2ngerezi, c\u00e2nd al\u0163ii au ulcer la stomac \u015fi cancer la pancreas, ca s\u0103 nu vorbim de fisur\u0103 anal\u0103?<\/p>\n

Ei, uite, nu. Nu mi-e ru\u015fine s\u0103 s\u00e2ngerez, sunt o ran\u0103 de sine st\u0103t\u0103toare \u015fi chiar dac\u0103 sunt doar pe genunchi, produc un volum de s\u00e2nge care nu se poate ignora.<\/p>\n

OK. Dar ce au \u00een comun ambele categorii, trec\u00e2nd peste o lips\u0103 cras\u0103 de empatie \u015fi inteligen\u0163\u0103 emo\u0163ional\u0103?<\/p>\n

Acea atitudine cli\u015feic\u0103, nes\u0103n\u0103toas\u0103, care zice a\u015fa: “Indiferent cum s-au purtat, sunt tac-tu \u015fi m\u0103-ta \u015fi nu ai voie s\u0103 vorbe\u015fti negativ despre ei”.<\/p>\n

Ce se ob\u0163ine cu aceast\u0103 politic\u0103 a t\u0103cerii vinovate \u015fi a minimaliz\u0103rii experien\u0163elor copilului?<\/p>\n

Mu\u015famalizarea abuzului. Internalizarea unei st\u0103ri perpetue de r\u0103u. Legitimarea brutalit\u0103\u021bii\/<\/p>\n

\u0218i sunt oameni cu care \u021bine. Oameni care \u00ee\u0219i pun perpetuu sub semnul \u00eentreb\u0103rii acurate\u021bea emo\u021biilor \u0219i ra\u021bionamentelor. Care ajung s\u0103 conchid\u0103 c\u0103 da, abuzul e calea fireasc\u0103 \u0219i vor r\u0103zbuna tot ce au \u00eendurat pe propriii copii.<\/p>\n

Taman de aceea, e nevoie de COMUNICARE \u0219i de ASUMARE. Dac\u0103 nu v\u0103 plac pove\u0219tile cu p\u0103rin\u021bi abuzivi ale lui X \u0219i ale lui Y, dac\u0103 voi a\u021bi avut p\u0103rin\u021bi perfec\u021bi, FELICIT\u0102RI.<\/p>\n

Unii oameni pot dep\u0103\u015fi conflictul cu p\u0103rin\u0163ii. Pot sta de vorb\u0103, pot stabili ce anume s-a gre\u015fit \u015fi unde, pot renegocia \u015fi reconstrui rela\u0163ia. \u015ei eu sunt, 90% din timp, unii oameni.<\/p>\n

Apoi, pentru c\u0103 oameni suntem cu to\u0163ii, \u015fi p\u00e2n\u0103 una alta, copil\u0103ria e perioada c\u00e2nd te-ai format emo\u0163ional, ca dovad\u0103 c\u0103, dac\u0103 ai purtat cizme sparte \u00een talp\u0103 iarna, c\u00e2nd erai mic, vezi un om cu \u00eenc\u0103l\u0163\u0103mintea defect\u0103 \u015fi sim\u0163i frigul experimentat de el p\u00e2n\u0103 \u00een rinichi, – 10% din timp redevenim r\u0103ni deschise.<\/p>\n

\u015ei dac\u0103 exact \u00een acest moment, te g\u0103se\u015fte d\u0103sc\u0103leala nesolicitat\u0103, \u015fi cum ar trebui s\u0103 \u00ee\u0163i respec\u0163i p\u0103rin\u0163ii indiferent dac\u0103 \u015fi cu parc\u0103, \u015fi blablabla, ai o invita\u0163ie deschis\u0103 s\u0103 te duci direct \u00een pwla mea. Linie. F\u0103r\u0103 serpentine, s\u0103 nu ame\u0163e\u015fti.<\/p>\n

Indiferent cum am repara, cum am comunica acum adult \u015fi afectuos, asta nu va transforma o copil\u0103rie oribil\u0103 \u00een Gr\u0103dina Edenului, iar aceast\u0103 ranchiun\u0103 \u00ee\u015fi va face prezen\u0163a sim\u0163it\u0103, \u00een anumite momente, de obicei \u00een cele neprev\u0103zute.<\/p>\n

Nu e treaba ta s\u0103 decizi dreptul altora la tr\u0103irile \u015fi traumele lor. Povestea ta e valabil\u0103 pentru tine, povestea mea e valabil\u0103 pentru mine \u015fi povestea fiec\u0103ruia dintre noi e valabil\u0103 pentru el.<\/p>\n

Eu am momentele mele de sl\u0103biciune \u015fi \u00eemi asum c\u0103 le pot avea. Nu sunt deschise unui sondaj de opinie. “Are Lorena voie s\u0103 simt\u0103 ranchiun\u0103 \u00een momentul X?”<\/p>\n

No, b***ch. \u00cen momentul X, Lorena simte ranchiun\u0103 \u015fi punct. \u015ei nu te-a \u00eentrebat dac\u0103 are voie sau nu.<\/p>\n

\u015ei \u015ftii ceva? \u00cen loc s\u0103 m\u0103 tufi pe mine la cap c\u0103 de ce am \u015fi astfel de sentimente, mai bine te ui\u0163i ad\u00e2nc \u00een propriul suflet \u015fi descoperi c\u0103 le ai \u015fi tu. \u015ei c\u0103 e ok.<\/p>\n

E exact aceea\u015fi discu\u0163ie ca \u00een cazul “femeilor doamne”, care trebuie s\u0103 “nu riposteze”, “s\u0103 ignore” \u015fi “s\u0103 fie finu\u0163e”.
\n\u015ei atunci, cum descarci tensiuni \u015fi frustr\u0103ri, dac\u0103 nu le asumi?<\/p>\n

Unele v\u0103 min\u0163i\u0163i at\u00e2t de mult, \u015fi pe voi \u015fi pe al\u0163ii, \u00eenc\u00e2t nici nu voi nu mai \u015fti\u0163i care e adev\u0103rul. De aceea v\u0103 \u015fi tufe grija at\u00e2t de aprig de via\u0163a altora. C\u0103 a voastr\u0103 e o interminabil\u0103 minciun\u0103.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Dac\u0103 v-a pl\u0103cut acest text, pute\u021bi fi sus\u021bin\u0103tori de n\u0103dejde.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

***
\nVrei s\u0103 m\u0103 urm\u0103re\u015fti \u00een social media? \u00cemi po\u0163i da like pe Facebook<\/strong><\/a>, follow pe Twitter<\/a><\/strong> \u015fi Instagram<\/a><\/strong>, subscribe pe YouTube<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Ascult\u0103 Jet pe Spotify<\/a><\/strong>, cump\u0103r\u0103 piesa pe iTunes<\/strong><\/a> sau pe Amazon Music<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Am avut acum c\u00e2teva zile un articol dedicat unui mail de la o cititoare, o fat\u0103 proasp\u0103t ie\u015fit\u0103 din adolescen\u0163\u0103, care descria comportamentul abuziv...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":9373,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-20158","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/05\/FACEPALM.png?fit=800%2C486&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20158","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=20158"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20158\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":20159,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20158\/revisions\/20159"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/9373"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=20158"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=20158"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=20158"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}