Am \u0219i eu o problem\u0103 \u00een lupta asta de a fi mai pu\u021bin mol\u00e2ie \u0219i de a “stand up for myself”, scuza\u021bi engleza.<\/strong><\/p>\n (nu ai de ce s\u0103 \u00ee\u021bi ceri scuze. Pe blogul \u0103sta se scrie \u00een englez\u0103, romglez\u0103, spanglez\u0103 etc. \u0219i cui nu-i convine, x e sus \u00een col\u021bul din dreapta. L.)<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Maic\u0103-mea m\u0103 trateaz\u0103 ca pe un c^^. Am 28 de ani, deci sunt\u00a0 adult\u0103 \u0219i vaccinat\u0103, dar ea \u00eenc\u0103 crede c\u0103 de\u021bine controlul asupra mea. Sau chiar mai r\u0103u, uneori se poart\u0103 ea ca un copil r\u0103sf\u0103\u021bat, c\u0103ruia trebuie s\u0103 \u00eei fac pe plac c\u0103 altfel se oftic\u0103. Uite c\u00e2teva exemple, ca s\u0103 nu fie \u00een aer.<\/strong><\/p>\n Am nunta \u00een o lun\u0103 jumate. M-a tot pisat la cap s\u0103 \u00eemi fac\u0103 la mese ni\u0219te flori de h\u00e2rtie, a f\u0103cut ea ni\u0219te cursuri, m\u0103 rog, e noul ei hobby \u0219i dup\u0103 ce a umplut casa de ele, vrea s\u0103 le pun\u0103 \u0219i la mese acolo. Mie una pu\u021bin \u00eemi pas\u0103 despre ce flori vor fi pe mas\u0103. Nunta mea e mic\u0103, doar cu prieteni pe bune \u0219i un pic de familie, mai degrab\u0103 o petrecere dec\u00e2t o nunt\u0103 \u00een sensul actual al cuv\u00e2ntului, nu vreau briz brizuri inutile. Cred c\u0103 peste 5-10 ani nimeni n-o s\u0103 vorbeasc\u0103 despre ce flori erau pe mas\u0103. Dar ea mi le-a b\u0103gat pe g\u00e2t, s-a purtat \u00een perioada asta ca \u0219i cum e de la sine \u00een\u021beles c\u0103 eu vreau minunile alea. Mi se l\u0103uda cu ele \u0219i \u00eenainte, \u0219i ziceam un “bravo” politicos \u0219i cu un z\u00e2mbet st\u00e2njenit \u0219i for\u021bat, fiindc\u0103 nu m\u0103 pasioneaz\u0103 deloc subiectul. Iar acum a presupus c\u0103 eu automat vreau acele flori. Mie mi-a fost fric\u0103 s\u0103-i zic “m\u0103 doare \u00een c”, \u0219i am crezut c\u0103 se sup\u0103r\u0103 dac\u0103 \u00eei dau acel metaforic flit. Nu m-a \u00eentrebat niciodat\u0103 “b\u0103, vrei astea?”, a folosit tehnici din c\u0103r\u021bile alea ieftine de NLP, dar asta am realizat abia acum, mai t\u00e2rziu. \u00cen loc de “vrei? da sau nu?” ea m-a \u00eentrebat “ce culori vrei?”, \u0219i alte insisten\u021be pe tema asta tip “hai, alege-\u021bi mai repede modelele, c\u0103 tre s\u0103 m\u0103 apuc \u0219i e t\u00e2rziu”. \u0218tii genul \u0103la de decizii pe care le faci dar sim\u021bi c\u0103 n-au fost 100% ale tale…<\/strong><\/p>\n (Bun, acum \u0219tii ce s\u0103 faci pe viitor. N-o mai complimentezi fake, dac\u0103 ceva nu te intereseaz\u0103, \u00eei spui sincer c\u0103 nu te intereseaz\u0103, iar dac\u0103 te ia cu “ce culori s\u0103 fie” \u00eei zici: “nu \u0163in minte s\u0103 fi zis c\u0103 vreau in the first place”. Se isterizeaz\u0103? Pleci. \u015ei \u00eei spui: “C\u00e2nd ai chef de conversa\u0163ie ra\u0163ional\u0103, m\u0103 anun\u0163i.”)<\/p>\n (Iar eu nu \u00een\u0163eleg de ce nu i-ai zis “bag\u0103-\u0163i ad\u00e2nc \u00een c paharele \u015fi florile pe care nu \u0163i le-a cerut nimeni, singurul lucru pe care-l vreau e \u0103sta.” M\u0103 scuzi, dar blocajul de comunicare e la tine.)<\/p>\n La fel \u0219i data nun\u021bii – tot ea ne-a for\u021bat s\u0103 o fix\u0103m. Noi \u0219tiam c\u0103 vrem nunta, nu e bai de asta. Dar ea a f\u0103cut micile ei manipul\u0103ri mizerabile ca s\u0103 ne gr\u0103beasc\u0103 alegerea. \u00centr-o vacan\u021b\u0103 \u00een familie \u00een 4, cu noi doi, ea \u0219i tata. La cin\u0103 la restaurantul pensiunii, \u00eentr-o sta\u021biune la munte departe de casele am\u00e2ndurora, veni\u021bi \u00een vacan\u021b\u0103 pe banii ei (never again, apropo), ne-a pisat s\u0103 alegem o dat\u0103 a nun\u021bii, pe motiv c\u0103 “eu le-am zis rudelor de nunt\u0103, \u0219i zice\u021bi-mi c\u00e2nd va fi ca s\u0103 le zic \u0219i lor”. De ce pana mea le zici c\u0103 e o nunt\u0103 c\u00e2nd nu \u0219tii data? Ce facem aici, predic\u021bii astrale? Bine, \u00ee\u021bi dai seama c\u0103 atunci pe loc n-am zis asta, c\u0103 na, filtrul de bun-sim\u021b \u0219i de comportament social, erau oameni pe la mese, nu puteai urla, plus c\u0103 e mama…blabla. Dar tare simt c\u0103 \u0219i ea g\u0103se\u0219te aceste momente bune \u0219i exploateaz\u0103 fix acest bun sim\u021b socialo-familial, ca s\u0103 ob\u021bin\u0103 ce vrea. Iubitul meu se s\u0103turase deja de figurile astea \u0219i a bor\u00e2t el pe mas\u0103 o dat\u0103\u00a0din calendar, total random. \u0218i aia a r\u0103mas, care acum se apropie. A\u0219a am ales data, ca s\u0103 vezi ce trist e.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n (N-o mai valida fals. Complimenteaz-o doar if you mean it.)<\/p>\n Alt exemplu de comportament c\u0103c\u0103cios – am primit recent o scrisoare de la ANAF, m\u0103 chinuie de vreo 2 ani cu ni\u0219te taxe puse pe o PFA trecut\u0103 \u0219i \u00eenchis\u0103, m\u0103 rog, e irelevant. M-a sunat s\u0103 m\u0103 anun\u021be de un nou plic din \u0103sta, c\u0103 vine la adresa unde st\u0103 ea, eu m-am mutat. Eu \u0219tiu c\u0103 la orice are scris “ANAF” pe el n-are cum s\u0103 con\u021bin\u0103 dec\u00e2t durere \u0219i draci, a\u0219a c\u0103 am \u00eenceput un pic s\u0103-mi v\u0103rs amarul la telefon cu ea, s\u0103-i zic despre cum \u00eemi vine s\u0103 mor, \u0219tiam c\u0103 n-au cum s\u0103 fie dec\u00e2t taxe, cine dracu m-a pus s\u0103 fac PFA, etc, era un discurs de tipul “uite ce fac nenoroci\u021bii \u0103\u0219tia”. \u0218i ea atent\u0103 foc la problema mea, mi-a tr\u00e2ntit un “nu \u00een\u021beleg, deci vrei s\u0103 deschid sau nu plicul? C\u0103 sunt pe drum”. S-a c\u0103cat \u00een sufletul meu. \u00centre timp c\u00e2nd a ajuns acas\u0103 mi-a scanat h\u00e2rtia \u0219i mi-a trimis-o, c\u0103 a zis “eu nu \u00een\u021beleg ce scrie aici, \u00ee\u021bi scanez \u0219i cite\u0219ti tu”. Ok, fair enough. Cum ziceam, taxe. Ziua aia a fost plin\u0103 de nervi, c\u0103 nu \u0219tiu al\u021bii cum sunt, dar c\u00e2nd \u00ee\u021bi inventeaz\u0103 ANAF c\u00e2te o cheltuial\u0103 neprev\u0103zut\u0103 de 800 de lei pentru care ai 20 zile s\u0103 o pl\u0103te\u0219ti, eu numai ro\u0219u am v\u0103zut \u00een fa\u021ba ochilor. Nervi, urlat la func\u021bionare acre \u0219i plictisite la telefon, alea m\u0103 trimiteau de la una la alta, la job nimic nu mergea, o zi din aia…\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n (Cred c\u0103, exact ca \u015fi cu lum\u00e2n\u0103rile, \u015fi-a dat seama c\u0103 a gre\u015fit \u015fi te-a sunat s\u0103 o dreag\u0103, dar exact ca \u015fi cu lum\u00e2n\u0103rile, tu erai deja extrem de angry \u015fi gestul a venit prea t\u00e2rziu. Acele morm\u0103ieli sunt forme de empatie la oamenii mai insensibili. A\u015fa empatizeaz\u0103 \u015fi taic\u0103-miu. “Ai r\u0103cit?” “Da” zic eu. “Asta e”. r\u0103spunde el. Nu “s\u0103n\u0103tate”, nu “f\u0103-te bine”, nu “ai grij\u0103 de tine” ci un sec “asta e”. Dar noi ne auzim la telefon o dat\u0103 la trei luni \u015fi mi-e u\u015for s\u0103 nu m\u0103 \u00eencarc emo\u0163ional.<\/p>\n Da, necesit\u0103 un micu\u021b efort s\u0103 fii un om dr\u0103gu\u021b, amabil, pl\u0103cut. Asta dac\u0103 nu vine natural din tine. C\u0103 s\u0103 fii nesuferit \u0219i r\u0103zg\u00e2iat oricine poate, e cel mai u\u0219or lucru ever. E foarte u\u0219or s\u0103 f**i meciul tuturor din jur, e u\u0219or s\u0103 strici ziua oricui, dar de ce ai face-o? M\u0103 a\u0219teptam ca \u00een familie s\u0103 fie altceva. Tata s\u0103racul evit\u0103 subiectul, de\u0219i d\u0103 \u0219i el de \u00een\u021beles c\u0103 simte cam la fel, aceea\u0219i r\u0103ceal\u0103 \u0219i sictireal\u0103 o prime\u0219te \u0219i el de la ea, dar nu poate s\u0103 o spun\u0103 cu subiect \u0219i predicat…o strecoar\u0103 \u0219i el printre cuvinte, atunci c\u00e2nd suntem doar cu el. Pare c\u0103 \u00ee\u0219i cere scuze, printre r\u00e2nduri, pentru felul ei de a fi.<\/strong><\/p>\n E \u0219i o manipulatoare cr\u00e2ncen\u0103. \u00cemi pare r\u0103u cumva de faptul c\u0103 lucrurile astea le v\u0103d mai clare doar la mult timp dup\u0103. \u0218i c\u0103 \u00een momentul \u0103la, c\u00e2nd mi-e pus \u00een fa\u021b\u0103, ori nu am curajul s\u0103 o \u00eenfrunt, ori n-am chef s\u0103 \u00eei ar\u0103t cu c\u0103 face o mizerie \u0219i mi se pare mai comod s\u0103 zic ca ea \u0219i s\u0103 fac ca mine. Ori nu am prezen\u021ba de spirit s\u0103 m\u0103 prind repede ce \u00eencearc\u0103, \u0219i \u00eei zic “da” \u0219i abia mai t\u00e2rziu m\u0103 prind \u00een ce m-am b\u0103gat.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n (Trebuie s\u0103-\u0163i faci acest curaj, e singura cale.)<\/p>\n Tu ce zici? Sunt eu prea atent\u0103 la m\u0103run\u021bi\u0219uri, \u0219i cer\u00a0 prea mult\u0103 \u00een\u021belegere \u0219i aten\u021bie din partea ei? Sau i-am suflat prea mult \u00een coarne \u0219i a uitat cum e s\u0103 i se mai zic\u0103 \u0219i “nu”? Ca fat\u0103, \u00ee\u021bi dai seama c\u0103 a\u0219tept\u0103rile sunt s\u0103 fii mereu finu\u021b\u0103, cu at\u00e2t mai mult \u00een familie, eu nu prea am v\u0103zut niciodat\u0103 posibil\u0103 op\u021biunea de a-i zice maic\u0103-mii “nu”. Tata e mai milit\u0103ros, dac\u0103 sim\u021bea c\u0103 \u00eei zic mamei ceva cu sfidare sau \u00eei vorbesc \u00een nas, imediat m\u0103 certa \u0219i \u00eemi \u021binea morale lungi.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n S\u0103 o iert mereu, la infinit? Asta nu prea pare o solu\u021bie…<\/strong><\/p>\n (pff. La ce spume ai \u00een tine, dac\u0103 o mai “ier\u0163i” mult – vedem c\u0103 nu o ier\u0163i, doar refulezi furie – ri\u015fti s\u0103 ajungi ca vasluianul care, \u00eentr-o frumoas\u0103 zi cu soare, \u015fi-a masacrat toat\u0103 familia cu toporul.)<\/p>\n<\/div>\n Iart\u0103-m\u0103 dac\u0103 am fost prea avalan\u0219\u0103, dac\u0103 am de fapt nevoie de un psihoterapeut po\u021bi s\u0103-mi zici, \u00een\u021beleg. Sunt doar foarte m\u00e2hnit\u0103.<\/strong>(am f\u0103cut \u0219i o dona\u021bie ca s\u0103 compenseze pentru ditamai c\u00e2rna\u021bul \u0103sta \u0219i efortul t\u0103u pentru a-l citi<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n (Merci.)<\/p>\n X.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Drag\u0103 X.,<\/p>\n Oricine cite\u015fte acest text vede clar c\u0103 ai nevoie de o pauz\u0103 de minimum c\u00e2teva luni de maic\u0103-ta. Da, e o manipulatoare \u015fi un control freak. Te-a frustrat cu asta at\u00e2t de mult, \u00eenc\u00e2t a ajuns s\u0103 te irite \u015fi c\u00e2nd \u00eencearc\u0103 s-o dreag\u0103, cum a fost reconsideratul lum\u00e2n\u0103rilor \u015fi revenirea\u00a0 la faza cu ANAFUL.<\/p>\n C\u00e2nd omul nu mai recunoa\u015fte nici crengile verzi de m\u0103slin din partea adversarului, ci doar se oftic\u0103 c\u0103 au prea pu\u0163ine frunze, e clar c\u0103 rela\u0163ia aia are nevoie de o pauz\u0103 ASAP. C\u0103 orice face sau spune subiectul e doar motiv de \u015fi mai mult\u0103 frustrare.<\/p>\n \u00cen timpul acestei pauze, va trebui s\u0103 dezve\u0163i grooming-ul la care v-a supus cu ajutorul tat\u0103lui t\u0103u. Ambii preocupa\u0163i s\u0103 nu cumva s-o superi, c\u00e2nd pe ea o doare la basc\u0103 dac\u0103 te sup\u0103r\u0103 pe tine.<\/p>\n C\u00e2nd \u00eencearc\u0103 s\u0103-\u0163i bage pe g\u00e2t chestii, refuz\u0103. Sec \u015fi ferm.\u00a0 No is no. Punct.<\/p>\n C\u00e2nd te ia prin \u00eenv\u0103luire \u015fi nu \u0163i-e clar \u00een ce te \u00eemb\u00e2rlig\u0103, \u00eentreab\u0103 exact asta: Ce urm\u0103re\u015fti? Las\u0103 tacticile \u015fi spune direct.<\/p>\n C\u00e2nd spune sau face o r\u0103utate, repro\u015feaz\u0103-i.<\/p>\n C\u00e2nd deturneaz\u0103 aten\u0163ia de la problem\u0103, reteaz\u0103: Nu, nu, nu schimb\u0103m subiectul. Sau dac\u0103 \u0163ip\u0103 peste tine, \u00ee\u0163i iei po\u015feta \u015fi pleci.<\/p>\n C\u00e2nd caut\u0103 s\u0103 te manipuleze folosindu-se de bunul t\u0103u sim\u0163 social, nu ezita s\u0103 call her out public. Promit c\u0103 data viitoare se va ab\u0163ine.<\/p>\n Dac\u0103 face pe sup\u0103rata pe motiv c\u0103 n-a \u0163inut vr\u0103jeala, \u00eentrerupi comunicarea p\u00e2n\u0103 sun\u0103 ea prima.<\/p>\n Unicul mod de a \u0163ine manipulatorii cu botul pe labe e s\u0103-i informezi f\u0103r\u0103 \u00eencetare c\u0103 vezi prin tacticile lor ca prin sticl\u0103 \u015fi c\u0103 nu func\u0163ioneaz\u0103 cu tine.<\/p>\n Sper c\u0103 \u0163i-am fost util\u0103,<\/p>\n Lorena.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n ***<\/p>\n Dac\u0103 v-a pl\u0103cut acest text, pute\u021bi sus\u0163ine activitatea siteului cu o dona\u0163ie.<\/p>\n *** ***<\/p>\n Ascult\u0103 Jet pe Spotify<\/a><\/strong>, cump\u0103r\u0103 piesa pe iTunes<\/strong><\/a> sau pe Amazon Music<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Periodic, oferim iubire cititorului nostru. Rectific: Zilnic, oferim iubire cititorului nostru. Ba chiar de mai multe ori pe zi, dac\u0103 e nevoie. Cum se...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":20363,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-20362","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/marioneta.jpg?fit=640%2C426&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20362","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=20362"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20362\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":20368,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20362\/revisions\/20368"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/20363"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=20362"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=20362"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=20362"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\n\u0218i \u00eenainte s\u0103 zici c\u0103 asta e ceart\u0103 muiereasc\u0103 tipic\u0103, de “mam\u0103 vs. fiic\u0103 – nunt\u0103 edition”, uite \u0219i alte c\u00e2teva mizerii pe care le-a f\u0103cut.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n
\nDac\u0103 m\u0103 pornesc, trebuie s\u0103 \u00eei spun orice cu 2-3 mante, cu subtilit\u0103\u021bi \u0219i indirecte, fiinc\u0103 e \u0219i genul de se sup\u0103r\u0103 la cel mai mic cuvin\u021bel vulgar. \u021aine la aparen\u021be mai mult ca la orice. Orice \u00eencerc s\u0103 \u00eei spun c\u0103 zice sau face na\u0219pa, exist\u0103 riscul s\u0103 se aga\u021be de cel mai mic cuv\u00e2nt ur\u00e2t \u0219i s\u0103 r\u0103stoarne subiectul certei \u00een “vai ce nesim\u021bit\u0103 e\u0219ti”. E munc\u0103 de dublu-\u0219pagat politically correct ca s\u0103 o fac s\u0103 \u00een\u021beleag\u0103 ceva f\u0103r\u0103 s\u0103 se oftice, \u0219i nici a\u0219a n-am vreo garan\u021bie. Cam at\u00e2t de c\u0103poas\u0103 e.<\/strong><\/div>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/cafea-300x300.jpg?resize=300%2C300\")
<\/a><\/p>\n
\nVrei s\u0103 m\u0103 urm\u0103re\u015fti \u00een social media? \u00cemi po\u0163i da like pe Facebook<\/strong><\/a>, follow pe Twitter<\/a><\/strong> \u015fi Instagram<\/a><\/strong>, subscribe pe YouTube<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n