{"id":21101,"date":"2021-01-16T12:01:55","date_gmt":"2021-01-16T09:01:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/?p=21101"},"modified":"2021-01-16T12:01:55","modified_gmt":"2021-01-16T09:01:55","slug":"cum-reactionezi-la-redeschiderea-scolilor-in-functie-de-zodie","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/cum-reactionezi-la-redeschiderea-scolilor-in-functie-de-zodie\/","title":{"rendered":"Cum reac\u0163ionezi la redeschiderea \u015fcolilor \u00een func\u0163ie de zodie"},"content":{"rendered":"

Disclaimer obligatoriu: acesta este un pamflet. Toate horoscoapele mele sunt ironice. Am scris primul horoscop \u00een revista \u015fcolii \u015fi l-am tradus dintr-o revist\u0103 Bravo \u00een german\u0103 din 1984, cump\u0103rat\u0103 de la anticariat. A avut un succes r\u0103sun\u0103tor. Am f\u0103cut horoscopul la toate revistele la care am lucrat, perpetuu la oha. Nu mai \u0163ipa\u0163i la mine c\u0103 nu v\u0103 recunoa\u015fte\u0163i. Un astrolog serios cere bani grei.\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Dup\u0103 cum se \u015ftie, pe 8 februarie se redeschid \u015fcolile. Eu, neav\u00e2nd copii \u015fi nedorindu-mi s\u0103 am, cred c\u0103 nu m\u0103 calific la o p\u0103rere pe subiect. Sincer, sunt teme \u00een care chiar nu ai de ce s\u0103 ai o p\u0103rere \u015fi e semn de luciditate s\u0103 recuno\u015fti.<\/p>\n

Dar cum voi ave\u0163i \u015fi v-am urm\u0103rit cum face\u0163i pe subiect, mi se pare c\u0103 e locul \u015fi momentul s\u0103 ne amuz\u0103m un pic pe subiect. \u00cen timp ce, precizez, \u015ftim cu to\u0163ii foarte bine c\u0103 pe cam 5 februarie o s\u0103 vin\u0103 ordonan\u0163a care o s\u0103 \u00eenchid\u0103 \u015fcolile la loc, deci ne-am agitat absolut degeaba.<\/p>\n

Mbun.<\/p>\n

Berbecul\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

“Abia a\u015ftept s\u0103 se care boracul \u0103sta la \u015fcoal\u0103, s\u0103 pot \u015fi eu s\u0103 stau \u00een p**a goal\u0103 la mine acas\u0103. De cum d\u0103 col\u0163ul, s\u0103 m\u0103 asigur c\u0103 nu \u015fi-a uitat ceva \u015fi nu se \u00eentoarce, o s\u0103 dau chilo\u0163ii jos \u015fi o s\u0103 m\u0103 scarpin lung \u00een c*r. Zece minute. Dup\u0103 care m\u0103 l\u0103f\u0103i pe canapea \u015fi \u00eencep s\u0103 pictez tablouri imaginare flutur\u00e2nd cu p**a.<\/p>\n

Intimitate, \u00een sf\u00e2r\u015fit”.<\/p>\n

Taurul\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

“Nuuuu. F\u0103r\u0103 pui\u015forii mei mici \u015fi dragi, unde se duce farmecul s\u0103 coci t\u0103vi de negrese \u015fi s\u0103 faci vrafuri de cl\u0103tite?? Apoi s\u0103 ne uit\u0103m to\u0163i la desene? Hai, \u00eenc\u0103 un an de carantin\u0103, v\u0103 rog”.<\/p>\n

Gemenii\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

“\u00cen sf\u00e2r\u015fit o s\u0103 pot face \u015fi eu Zoomuri f\u0103r\u0103 s\u0103 bage un drac de copil capul \u00een cadru \u015fi s\u0103 \u0163ipe: Nu mai am chilo\u0163i curaaaa\u0163i!”<\/p>\n

Racul\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

“Dar mie \u00eemi pl\u0103cea c\u0103 face \u015fcoala acas\u0103, c\u0103 \u00eel v\u0103d ce \u00eenva\u0163\u0103 \u015fi ce teme face, \u015fi pot avea grij\u0103 de puiul meu iubit, dragostea sufletului meu. Hai s\u0103 facem tot sistemul \u015fcolar de acas\u0103, pe tot restul vie\u0163ii. Casa e at\u00e2t de goal\u0103 f\u0103r\u0103 sufle\u0163elul meu frumos \u015fi de\u015ftept. O s\u0103 mor de dor p\u00e2n\u0103 vine.”<\/p>\n

Leul\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

“M\u00e2ine m\u0103 duc s\u0103 vorbesc cu directorul. Teste Covid la toat\u0103 cancelaria plus o baz\u0103 de date cu istoricul de boli al fiec\u0103rui elev. \u015ei o s\u0103 vin cu propuneri de spa\u0163ii out door pentru cursuri distan\u0163ate social.”<\/p>\n

Fecioara\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

“Uite, maic\u0103, dezinfectantul \u0103sta de m\u00e2ini. Cum atingi ceva, orice, te dezinfectezi imediat. Uite \u015fi dezinfectantul \u0103sta de suprafe\u0163e. Are zece litri, e cam greu, dar o s\u0103 vezi c\u0103 se termin\u0103 repede. \u00cenainte de fiecare or\u0103, freci catedra, b\u0103ncile, scaunele, clan\u0163a, tabla. Ah, \u015fi s\u0103 nu ui\u0163i creta. Nu m\u0103 intereseaz\u0103 ce \u00eeng\u0103lat\u0103 au ca femeie de serviciu. Dac\u0103 vrei s\u0103 \u015ftii c\u0103 o chestie e frecat\u0103 zdrav\u0103n, o freci cu m\u00e2na ta!”<\/p>\n

Balan\u0163a<\/strong><\/p>\n

“Era \u015fi timpul. \u015eti\u0163i ce am \u00eenv\u0103\u0163at eu la \u015fcoal\u0103 \u015fi mi-a folosit toat\u0103 via\u0163a? Cum s\u0103 m\u0103 fac iubit\u0103 de toat\u0103 lumea \u015fi cum s\u0103 ob\u0163in avantaje din asta. S\u0103 faci \u015fcoala pe Zoom e ca \u015fi cum ai rata un an de \u015fcoal\u0103. Cui \u00eei pas\u0103 \u00eentre ce ani a domnit \u015etefan cel Mare? Ce \u00eenve\u0163i e s\u0103 faci alian\u0163e cu colegii s\u0103 copia\u0163i unii de la al\u0163ii. Ai alian\u0163e, ai parte. Hai cu \u015fcoala aia”.<\/p>\n

Scorpionul<\/strong><\/p>\n

“Daaa, hai mai repede, du-te, s\u0103 pot \u015fi eu s\u0103 m\u0103 f*t \u00een lini\u015fte, c\u0103 deja suntem pe pragul divor\u0163ului de at\u00e2\u0163ia hormoni trop\u0103itori. Dar de data asta ne protej\u0103m, c\u0103 tu ne \u00eencurci destul.”<\/p>\n

S\u0103get\u0103torul\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

“Mam\u0103, ce de crize pe popula\u0163ie, c\u00e2nd \u015ftim cu to\u0163ii c\u0103 pe 5 vine ordonan\u0163a care le \u00eenchide la loc. Ah, fraierii de mai sus care visa\u0163i libertate? Suge\u0163i-o.”<\/p>\n

Capricornul\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

“Covid nici nu exist\u0103. To\u0163i care au murit au avut \u015fi alte boli, \u015fi au luat stafilococi din spital. \u015ei vaccinul are microcip \u015fi te face steril.<\/p>\n

Deci, hai \u00een plm la \u015fcoal\u0103, c\u0103 m-am s\u0103turat de tine ca de mere p\u0103dure\u0163e. Toat\u0103 ziua: vaaai, m\u0103 plictisesc. D-ap\u0103i eu de tine??”<\/p>\n

V\u0103rs\u0103torul\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

“Dac\u0103 \u00eei pune c\u00e2te unul \u00een banc\u0103 \u015fi \u00eei \u00eembrac\u0103 \u00een echipament de protec\u0163ie complet, cu halat, vizier\u0103 \u015fi tot tac\u00e2mul, nu v\u0103d problema. Mam\u0103, dar de cool ar ar\u0103ta sala de clas\u0103. Ca setul unui film SF. Deja mi se scoal\u0103 o emo\u0163ie estetic\u0103 numai c\u00e2nd m\u0103 g\u00e2ndesc.”<\/p>\n

Pe\u015ftii\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

“Oooo, nuuu. Eu sunt o persoan\u0103 extrem de sensibil\u0103 la viru\u015fi, \u015fi o s\u0103-mi aduc\u0103 Covid din prima zi. El e copil, e s\u0103n\u0103tos, face doar un pic\u00a0 de febr\u0103 \u015fi trei stropi de muci, dar eu o s\u0103 ajung la \u00eentubare, o s\u0103 m\u0103 infectez de toate bacteriile din spital \u015fi o s\u0103 sf\u00e2r\u015fesc \u00een chinuri groaznice.<\/p>\n

Salva\u0163i-m\u0103 de la moarte. Nu deschide\u0163i \u015fcolile!”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

Dac\u0103 \u0163i-a pl\u0103cut acest articol,\u00a0sus\u0163ine site-ul cu o dona\u0163ie<\/a>.<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

***
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 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Disclaimer obligatoriu: acesta este un pamflet. Toate horoscoapele mele sunt ironice. Am scris primul horoscop \u00een revista \u015fcolii \u015fi l-am tradus dintr-o revist\u0103 Bravo...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":21103,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-21101","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/zodiac.jpg?fit=640%2C439&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21101","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=21101"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21101\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":21104,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21101\/revisions\/21104"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/21103"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=21101"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=21101"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=21101"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}