{"id":22781,"date":"2022-01-01T12:49:02","date_gmt":"2022-01-01T09:49:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/?p=22781"},"modified":"2022-01-01T12:49:03","modified_gmt":"2022-01-01T09:49:03","slug":"animale-si-petarde","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/animale-si-petarde\/","title":{"rendered":"Animale \u0219i petarde"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Nu voi \u00eencepe tradi\u021bionalul meu rant \u00eempotriva petardelor, \u0219i deja bine cunoscutul “Care e farmecul \u00een mizeria asta, altul dec\u00e2t faptul c\u0103 \u00ee\u0163i sco\u0163i din min\u0163i vecinii, precum \u015fi str\u0103inii random de pe strad\u0103”, respectiv “de ce s\u0103 dai 1.000 de lei pe petarde, numai imagineaz\u0103-\u0163i c\u00e2te tu\u015furi pentru ochi \u015fi pungi de ursule\u0163i guma\u0163i ai putea cump\u0103ra din ei”. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Deja \u015fti\u0163i. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Deja \u015fti\u0163i \u015fi faptul c\u0103 singurul motiv pentru care nu circul\u0103 din nou un clip viral cu mine lu\u00e2ndu-le mor\u0163ii \u00een p petardi\u015ftilor este pentru c\u0103 nici un **lifrici din \u0103sta care bubuia (de prost) c\u00e2nd l-am interpelat nu a avut inspira\u0163ia s\u0103 m\u0103 filmeze. Cert e c\u0103 m\u0103 transform, \u00eencet – \u00eencet, \u00een co-S\u0103get\u0103torul meu Vadim Tudor. \u00cencep s\u0103-i \u00een\u0163eleg intim puseele de isterie brusc\u0103 \u015fi necontrolat\u0103, c\u00e2nd mergi lini\u015ftit pe strad\u0103, cu mintea la ale tale, \u015fi deodat\u0103, trei idio\u0163i fac bum pe l\u00e2ng\u0103 tine, doar a\u015fa, c\u0103 se poate, \u015fi li se pare c\u0103 tu, femeia, o s\u0103 te uzi b\u0103ltoac\u0103 \u015fi o s\u0103 gemi ca-n filme porno dac\u0103 \u00ee\u0163i demonstreaz\u0103 cu bubuieli c\u00e2t sunt de maskuli alfa \u015fi feroki. Singura ferocitate de care-mi pas\u0103 e ferocitatea cu care pl\u0103te\u015fti facturile, gogule. \u00cen rest, bag\u0103-\u0163i petarda \u00een c, musai aprins\u0103, s\u0103 simt\u0103 \u015fi sfincterele tale ce simt nervii mei. \u00cen mor\u0163ii m\u0103-tii de loser. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Deja \u015fti\u0163i c\u0103 a\u015f sus\u0163ine cu toat\u0103 fiin\u0163a mea o lege care s\u0103 scoat\u0103 petardele \u00een afara legii. Adic\u0103 pe bune. Iarba e ilegal\u0103, de\u015fi tot ce face e s\u0103-\u0163i dea o stare de relaxare chill \u015fi senin\u0103, iar mizeriile astea, bune doar s\u0103 dea atacuri de panic\u0103 \u015fi anxietate celor predispu\u015fi la ele sunt legale. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hei, dar stai. Ziceam c\u0103 nu voi \u00eencepe tradi\u0163ionalul meu rant. C\u00e2nd colo, iat\u0103 ce fac. V\u0103 zic eu c\u0103 m\u0103 transform \u00een Vadim Tudor. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Am \u00eenceput acest text cu o alt\u0103 inten\u0163ie. \u015ei anume. Se d\u0103 c\u00e2ine. Se d\u0103 pisic\u0103. Se d\u0103 bubuial\u0103 de petarde la poarta trecerii spre noul an fabulos care ne da scoate din buda \u00een care ne-au b\u0103gat 2020 \u015fi 2021. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

C\u00e2inele prive\u015fte \u00eengrijorat \u00een zare. \u00cencepe s\u0103 tremure. Bubuitul continu\u0103. C\u00e2inele \u00ee\u015fi aminte\u015fte brusc c\u0103 e v\u0103r cu lupul \u015fi \u00eencepe s\u0103 l\u0103uleasc\u0103 lung \u015fi cutremur\u0103tor. Petardele continu\u0103. C\u00e2inele alearg\u0103 agitat prin tot apartamentul, url\u00e2nd de parc\u0103 ar fi asistat la apocalips\u0103. \u00cel iei \u00een bra\u0163e. \u015ei descoperi lacrimi \u015fi bale pe bluz\u0103. C\u00e2inele pl\u00e2nge cu lacrimi. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pisica s-a speriat de petarde \u00een primul an de existen\u0163\u0103. Apoi a constatat c\u0103 bubuiala nu se apropie, r\u0103m\u00e2ne undeva la linia orizontului, drept care, s\u0103 fie la ei acolo. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

C\u00e2nd \u00eencepe bubuiala, pisica doarme cu p \u00een sus. Bum, bum, bum. Se treze\u015fte. Se uit\u0103 \u00eent\u00e2i la voi cu repro\u015f \u00een privire, de parc\u0103 avea\u0163i vreo leg\u0103tur\u0103. Constat\u0103 c\u0103 nu f\u0103cea\u0163i nimic de natur\u0103 bubuitoare. Ciule\u015fte urechile. Nu, scandalul nu se apropie. A, dac\u0103 apocalipsa nu ne afecteaz\u0103 direct, muri\u0163i s\u0103n\u0103to\u015fi. Se \u00eentinde comod pe perna ei, \u00ee\u015fi pune l\u0103bu\u0163ele peste c\u0103p\u015for \u015fi urechi, \u015fi \u00eencepe s\u0103 sfor\u0103ie. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Iar eu v\u0103 spun vou\u0103, dragi prieteni. Pisica e profesor de \u015fcoala vie\u0163ii. Dac\u0103 a\u015f putea deprinde de la ea arta miserupismului la acest nivel, a\u015f tr\u0103i 100 de ani f\u0103r\u0103 riduri. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

La mul\u0163i ani! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

***<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dac\u0103 v-a pl\u0103cut acest text, pute\u021bi sus\u0163ine activitatea siteului cu o dona\u0163ie.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

***
Vrei s\u0103 m\u0103 urm\u0103re\u015fti \u00een social media? \u00cemi po\u0163i da like pe Facebook<\/strong><\/a>, follow pe Twitter<\/a><\/strong> \u015fi Instagram<\/a><\/strong>, subscribe pe YouTube<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

***<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ascult\u0103 Jet pe Spotify<\/a><\/strong>, cump\u0103r\u0103 piesa pe iTunes<\/strong><\/a> sau pe Amazon Music<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Nu voi \u00eencepe tradi\u021bionalul meu rant \u00eempotriva petardelor, \u0219i deja bine cunoscutul “Care e farmecul \u00een mizeria asta, altul dec\u00e2t faptul c\u0103 \u00ee\u0163i sco\u0163i...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":22782,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-22781","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/01\/cat-dog.jpg?fit=640%2C455&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22781","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=22781"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22781\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":22783,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22781\/revisions\/22783"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/22782"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=22781"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=22781"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=22781"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}