“Ce facem aici, prieteni, muncim sau st\u0103m pe Instagram? Hai, b\u0103iatu’, e gata designul \u0103la? \u0162i l-am dat de f\u0103cut acum 20 de minute, ce-ai p\u0103zit? Alo? Auzi, pisi, \u015ftiu c\u0103 e\u015fti \u00een concediu, dar \u00ee\u0163i dau un catalog mic de scris. Nu e mare lucru, 20 de pagini. \u00cel faci \u00eentr-o pauz\u0103 dintre dou\u0103 margarita. Hai, drag\u0103, \u00een\u0163elege-m\u0103 \u015fi tu. Te-am \u00een\u0163eles \u015fi eu c\u00e2nd \u0163i-a venit r\u0103u \u015fi \u0163i-am chemat salvarea.” <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Taurul <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n “A\u015fa, \u015fi ce tort vre\u0163i de ziua copilului? Daaa. \u00cen form\u0103 de palat cu z\u00e2ne. Ok. V\u0103 pot sugera un blat \u00eensiropat cu ap\u0103 de trandafiri, yuuum, ce bun, \u015fi o glazur\u0103 de ciocolat\u0103 alb\u0103 cu cocos care s\u0103 redea textura marmurei \u015fi \u00eei ad\u0103ug\u0103m \u015fi arom\u0103 de l\u0103m\u00e2ie, pentru un parfum \u00eembietor \u015fi delicios de citrice, \u00eemi plou\u0103 \u00een gur\u0103 c\u00e2nd v\u0103 povestesc, \u015fi poate un strop de esen\u0163\u0103 de flori de portocal, a\u015fa, pentru parfum \u015fi elegan\u0163\u0103, iar trei straturi de crem\u0103 de fructe de p\u0103dure autentice, suculente, recoltate din p\u0103durea noastr\u0103, v\u0103 vor face s\u0103 v\u0103 lua\u0163i un tort la noi \u00een fiecare zi. Figurinele le model\u0103m din mar\u0163ipan delicios, \u00een care punem buc\u0103\u0163ele mici de fructe, s\u0103 degusta\u0163i surpriza cu fiecare mu\u015fc\u0103tur\u0103. Ce bun! Abia a\u015ftept s\u0103 m\u0103 apuc!” <\/p>\n\n\n\n Gemenii <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n “Bun\u0103 seara, prieteni, v\u0103 place la noi \u00een Club? Normal c\u0103 v\u0103 place, b\u0103utura e ieftin\u0103 \u015fi \u015ftim tot ce se petrece \u00een baie, te aceea avem semne de “nu deranja” \u015fi de “intr\u0103, mereu e loc de al treilea”. Eu nu m\u0103 bag niciodat\u0103, \u015fi \u015fti\u0163i de ce? Pentru c\u0103 mie-mi place s\u0103 mi se bage. Dar e micul nostru secret, nu mai spune\u0163i la nimeni. Nici m\u0103car tu, \u0103la care filmezi showul \u0103sta pentru YouTube. S\u0103 nu dea naiba s\u0103 opre\u015fti \u00eenregistrarea, c\u0103 te sparg. Crezi c\u0103 m-am aranjat trei ore s\u0103 r\u0103m\u00e2n doar o umbr\u0103 fugar\u0103 \u00een amintirea ta?? <\/p>\n\n\n\n Racul <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n “Alo, da, aici linia Via\u0163a mai merit\u0103 o \u015fans\u0103. Da, cu cine vorbesc? Da, Emanuela, e o pl\u0103cere s\u0103 te cunosc. Nu, nu lua pastilele alea, Emanuela. Ai o via\u0163\u0103 \u00eentreag\u0103 \u00eenainte \u015fi… da, ok, 67 de ani nu e o v\u00e2rst\u0103 at\u00e2t de \u00eenaintat\u0103. G\u00e2nde\u015fte-te la sentimentele fami… A, au murit to\u0163i? Condolean\u0163e. Dar omul cu care \u00eempar\u0163i p\u00e2inea… Ah, nu m\u0103n\u00e2nci p\u00e2ine c\u0103 e\u015fti la diet\u0103. Emanuela, taie-\u0163i o felie groas\u0103 de p\u00e2ine, unge-o gros cu unt \u015fi nu uita: Dumnezeu te iube\u015fte! E\u015fti crea\u0163ia lui minunat\u0103 \u015fi via\u0163a trebuie tr\u0103it\u0103!” <\/p>\n\n\n\n Leul <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n “Maricico, care e agenda pe ziua de azi? \u015eedin\u0163\u0103 cu India, \u015fedin\u0163\u0103 cu Fran\u0163a, pr\u00e2nz \u00een ora\u015f cu primul ministru, \u015fedin\u0163\u0103 de la 17 cu investitorul \u0103la din Emiratele Arate Unite, cin\u0103 cu Natalie Portman. Da, Maricico, e chiar Natalie Portman. Am eu pe cineva care \u015ftie pe cineva. Dar v\u0103d c\u0103 am o pauz\u0103 \u00eentre 14 \u015fi 17? Programeaz\u0103-mi \u015fi mie un zbor privat dus-\u00eentors la Viena \u015fi o \u015fedin\u0163\u0103 de masaj la spa-ul \u0103la exclusivist de care \u0163i-am zis. Parc\u0103 m\u0103 doare pu\u0163in spatele”. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Fecioara <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n “Actele restaurantului, v\u0103 rog! Aha. Unde ave\u0163i afi\u015fat pe perete regulamentul de ordine interioar\u0103? OK. Aha. \u0102sta e meniul? Da. Ave\u0163i toate ingredientele listate la toate produsele? Da. Ia stai a\u015fa. Ce e 3 \u00een 1? Trebuie precizat \u00een meniu care trei, domnule. 500 de lei amend\u0103. \u015ei vede\u0163i c\u0103 mesele alea trebuie \u015fterse \u015fi cu o c\u00e2rp\u0103 uscat\u0103, pentru luciu, nu doar cu una ud\u0103.” <\/p>\n\n\n\n Balan\u0163a <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n “Ce v\u0103 fac la p\u0103r azi? Vaai, dar nu se poate s\u0103 tund o a\u015fa minun\u0103\u0163ie de p\u0103r m\u0103t\u0103sos, ce vor spune cunoscu\u0163ii dumneavoastr\u0103? O s\u0103 v\u0103 \u00eentrebe cine v-a c\u0103s\u0103pit, iar eu \u0163in la reputa\u0163ia mea. Sunt cea mai bun\u0103 din cartier, pentru c\u0103 \u015ftiu ce se potrive\u015fte clientului. Hai s\u0103 v\u0103 fac un baleiaj. V-ar pune \u00een eviden\u0163\u0103 ochi\u015forii frumo\u015fi \u015fi pistruii, ah, pistruii, absolut adorabili. Cum adic\u0103 nu vre\u0163i baleiaj? Toat\u0103 lumea vrea baleiaj, N-ai baleiaj, e\u015fti soo boomer.” <\/p>\n\n\n\n Scorpionul <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n “Ia zi boss, \u00een laptopul cui intru? Aha. S\u0103-i pun un screen cu “Maricico, e\u015fti o otreap\u0103, nu \u015ftii s\u0103 apreciezi iubirea adev\u0103rat\u0103!” Ok. Ce font folosesc? Ai vreo preferin\u0163\u0103 de culoare? S\u00e2nge care curge \u015fi cranii. Frumos, art\u0103. Gataaa. S\u0103 zic eu pe ce dat\u0103? C\u00e2nd e ziua ei? \u015etii cum zic, s\u0103 oftici omul de ziua lui, s\u0103 doar\u0103 mai tare. Gata, boss. 1000 de euro opera\u0163iunea, hai 800 pentru tine c\u0103 suferi din dragoste”. <\/p>\n\n\n\n S\u0103get\u0103torul <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n “Ce pl\u0103cere s\u0103 v\u0103 avem \u00een magazin. Uita\u0163i o bombonic\u0103 din partea casei. Bun, vre\u0163i foarfeci? \u00cel avem pe \u0103sta mare, solid, bun pentru croitorie, v\u0103 spun eu c\u0103 ave\u0163i nevoie de el, \u0103sta mijlociu, bun basically la toate, \u015fi \u0103sta mic, pentru munc\u0103 de detaliu. Merit\u0103 cump\u0103rate toate trei, se completeaz\u0103 armonios, nu va r\u0103m\u00e2ne nimic net\u0103iat la dumneavoastr\u0103 acas\u0103. Ahahaaa. Acum mi-am amintit. Am un set de croitorie superb, cu ace de toate m\u0103rimile \u015fi a\u0163\u0103 \u00een toate culorile, o frumuse\u0163e. Mai lua\u0163i o bombonic\u0103. Hai s\u0103 vi-l ar\u0103t. Frumos, nu? Ok. V\u0103 ar\u0103t \u015fi ni\u015fte materiale noi pe care le-am adus s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2na trecut\u0103… Nu conteaz\u0103 c\u0103 nu v\u0103 pricepe\u0163i la croitorie, totul se \u00eenva\u0163\u0103. Mai lua\u0163i o bombonic\u0103.” <\/p>\n\n\n\n Capricornul <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n “Domnule director, ave\u0163i aici bilan\u0163ul. A\u0163i cam exagerat cu cheltuielile de protocol. \u00cemi pare r\u0103u, domnul meu, dar nu produce\u0163i \u00een ritmul \u00een care cheltui\u0163i. De ce e nevoie de Starbucks c\u00e2nd avem automat gratuit \u00een incint\u0103?” <\/p>\n\n\n\n V\u0103rs\u0103torul <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n “Avem notele pentru tezele voastre. Elenu\u0163a, 7. \u015ei ce dac\u0103 ai \u015ftiut materia, drag\u0103? Eu nu vreau s\u0103-mi reproduci papagalice\u015fte ce e-n carte. Vreau vibe \u015fi flow, m\u0103 \u00een\u0163elegi? Vreau personalitate \u015fi stropul \u0103la de nebunie. Mircic\u0103, 5. Da, n-a \u015ftiut nimic, dar modul \u00een care abera avea ceva inefabil \u015fi inexprimabil. Ce banali sunt copiii \u0103\u015ftia, Dumnezeule. Vor s\u0103-\u0163i \u00eenve\u0163e pe dinafar\u0103 textul din carte \u015fi tu s\u0103 le dai zece pentru at\u00e2ta lucru. Fi\u0163i creativi, m\u0103i, tri\u015ftilor!” <\/p>\n\n\n\n Pe\u015ftii <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n “Bine a\u0163i venit pe canalul meu de YouTube. Azi vom vorbi despre cum mi-a sf\u00e2\u015fiat Costel inima \u015fi cum mi-a distrus visele \u015fi cum a dat cu mine de p\u0103m\u00e2nt ca om. \u015etiu c\u0103 exist\u0103 suflete acolo afar\u0103 care au trecut prin situa\u0163ii similare \u015fi pot empatiza. Smiooorc. Unde or fi batistele alea c\u00e2nd ai nevoie de ele? Mi s-au terminat… Am consumat un bax de batiste pl\u00e2ng\u00e2nd toat\u0103 noaptea, pute\u0163i s\u0103 crede\u0163i? <\/p>\n\n\n\n Deci, oameni buni, Costel m-a invitat alalt\u0103ieri la cafea. M-am dus, normal, \u015fi de cum l-am v\u0103zut, m-am \u00eendr\u0103gostit nebune\u015fte, iubirea vie\u0163ii mele, cel mai frumos b\u0103rbat din lume. Mi-am sunat toate prietenele s\u0103 le povestesc c\u0103 l-am g\u0103sit pe omul perfect. Pute\u0163i s\u0103 v\u0103 imagina\u0163i c\u0103 nu m-a sunat ieri?? M-a l\u0103sat s\u0103 a\u015ftept cu inima c\u00e2t un purice. Apoi… ieri seara o postat un selfie la un suc. Cu o tip\u0103 pe care n-o cunosc. Bruhuhuhuhu, smiorc. M\u0103 scuza\u0163i, nu mai am batiste, voi pl\u00e2nge \u00een h\u00e2rtia igienic\u0103”. <\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n Episoade precedente de horoscop:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Cum sl\u0103be\u015fti \u00een func\u0163ie de zodie <\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Cum urezi la mul\u0163i ani \u00een func\u0163ie de zodie<\/strong> <\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n Cum \u00eemb\u0103tr\u00e2ne\u015fti \u00een func\u0163ie de zodie<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n ***<\/p>\n\n\n\n Dac\u0103 v-a pl\u0103cut acest text, pute\u021bi sus\u0163ine activitatea siteului cu o dona\u0163ie. Aici<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n *** Salut, sunt Lorena \u015fi sunt horoscopist\u0103 de serviciu. Ce \u00eenseamn\u0103 asta? \u00cenainte s\u0103 dispar\u0103 presa lucioas\u0103, am scris pentru mai multe reviste de dame...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":19435,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-23794","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/04\/horoscope.jpg?fit=640%2C480&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23794","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=23794"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23794\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":23826,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23794\/revisions\/23826"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/19435"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=23794"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=23794"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=23794"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i2.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/cafea-300x300.jpg?resize=300%2C300\")
<\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n
Vrei s\u0103 m\u0103 urm\u0103re\u015fti \u00een social media? \u00cemi po\u0163i da like pe Facebook<\/strong><\/a>, follow pe Twitter<\/a><\/strong> \u015fi Instagram<\/a><\/strong>, subscribe pe YouTube<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"