M\u0103 preg\u0103team s\u0103 dau admitere la teatru. Nu g\u0103seam texte care s\u0103 \u00eemi plac\u0103. Voiam ceva care s\u0103 fie al meu, ceva care s\u0103 nu poat\u0103 fi f\u0103cut de nimeni altcineva, ceva extrem de personal. \u015ei \u00een disperare de cauz\u0103, mi-am scris un monolog. (Zicea un prieten c\u0103 e cazul s\u0103 ne fie ru\u015fine de operele noastre din tinere\u0163e. Mie nu mi se pare. Ce dac\u0103-s de c\u0103cat? M\u0103car poart\u0103 amprenta inconfundabil\u0103 a sfincterelor mele.<\/p>\n
Destul\u0103 introducere, iat\u0103 un monolog pe care \u00een admitere mi-a fost ru\u015fine s\u0103 recunosc c\u0103 l-am scris (drept care am inventat un nume fake: Calistrata Pr\u0103p\u0103d. Am operat sub pseudonim. Culmea e c\u0103 \u0103ia din comisie au zis ceva de genul: “Da, parc\u0103 am auzit \u015fi noi de ea.” \ud83d\ude08 Calistrata Pr\u0103p\u0103d c’est moi, snobilor care e\u015fte\u0163i!)<\/p>\n
O amant\u0103 \u00eenn\u0103scut\u0103 <\/strong><\/p>\n Dramatis personae : madam Desag\u0103 (pensionar\u0103 peste \u015faizeci de ani, plin\u0103 de vitalitate) Madam Desag\u0103 (treb\u0103luie\u015fte, deretic\u0103 prin cas\u0103, \u015fterge de praf fotografia b\u0103rbatului, \u00eencepe s\u0103 ofteze ): Silic\u0103, Silic\u0103, ce \u015fmecheri sunte\u0163i voi, b\u0103rba\u0163ii, fire-a\u0163i voi ai dracului! M\u0103 preg\u0103team s\u0103 dau admitere la teatru. Nu g\u0103seam texte care s\u0103 \u00eemi plac\u0103. Voiam ceva care s\u0103 fie al meu, ceva care s\u0103...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2481","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2481","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2481"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2481\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2481"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2481"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2481"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nDecor : vestita carpet\u0103 cu c\u0103prioar\u0103 la izvor.<\/p>\n
\nDe c\u00e2te ori nu \u0163i-a convenit o treab\u0103, \u0163i-ai pus picioarele la spinare \u015fi ai \u015fters-o. C\u00e2nd \u00ee\u0163i ceream bani de \u00eentre\u0163inere, sau de m\u00e2ncare pentru copii, tu \u00eencepeai s\u0103 urli, tr\u00e2nteai u\u015fa \u015fi plecai! \u015ei tot io m\u0103 duceam la m\u0103tu\u015fica Geta, s\u0103 cer bani \u00eemprumut, s\u0103 pl\u0103tesc \u00eentre\u0163inerea. De\u015fi tu erai secretar de partid, \u015fi io, o simpl\u0103 muncitoare. Da\u2019 \u0163ie-\u0163i trebuiau banii, s\u0103-i bei p\u0103 to\u0163i \u00een c\u00e2rciumi, s\u0103-\u0163i cinste\u015fti tovar\u0103\u015fii de partid \u015fi s\u0103-i uime\u015fti cu darea ta de m\u00e2n\u0103.
\nAcu\u2019, dac\u0103 s-or schimbat vremurile, \u015fi tu n-ai fost destul de de\u015ftept s\u0103 schimbi placa \u00een mod onorabil, cum au f\u0103cut-o at\u00e2\u0163ia, mi-ai tras clapa \u0103ghen. D\u0103du\u015fi col\u0163u\u2019, m\u0103 l\u0103sa\u015fi \u00een buzunaru\u2019 gol \u015fi tot io m-am \u00eemprumutat de la toate neamurile \u2013ale mele, nu ale tele, fi\u0163i-ar zg\u00e2r\u0163anii ai dreacu\u2019 \u2013 s\u0103 te \u00eengrop \u015fi s\u0103 fac \u015fi suptcesiunea. P\u0103i, m\u0103, Silic\u0103, ce-am economisit la f\u0103in\u0103 am dat pe t\u0103r\u00e2\u0163e, m\u0103, c\u0103 nu face mo\u015ftenirea c\u00e2t a costat suptcesiunea. (Cu tandre\u0163e): Mare pu\u015flama ai fost tu, m\u0103i Silic\u0103 ; bine ca avu\u015fi cu cine. \u0162i-ai g\u0103sit proasta, s\u0103 te slug\u0103reasc\u0103 o via\u0163\u0103 \u00eentreag\u0103.
\n(Maneaua din partea I se aude de sus. Madam Desag\u0103 ciule\u015fte urechile. R\u00eede, ba chiar \u00eencepe s\u0103 danseze \u015font\u00e2c-\u015font\u00e2c.) Asta-i Dana de la patru. Maaaare bagaboant\u0103. \u015ei lene\u015f\u0103, \u015fi cotoarb\u0103, \u015fi obraznic\u0103. Mai e \u015fi moart\u0103 dup\u0103 Agigea, nepotu-meu. Ce dracu\u2019, crede c\u0103 dac\u0103-s hodoroag\u0103 sunt \u015fi b\u0103tut\u0103-n cap, \u015fi nu \u015ftiu \u015fmecheria? Da\u2019 las\u2019 s-o chinuie talentu\u2019, s\u0103 se oftice. N-a\u015f primi-o pe una ca asta nici m\u0103car \u00een hol, nu i-a\u015f da nici o can\u0103 cu ap\u0103.
\n(Revine la fotografie.) \u00ce\u0163i dai seama, m\u0103 afurisitule, c\u0103 azi am fi s\u0103rb\u0103torit patruzeci de ani de c\u0103s\u0103torie? Ce-\u0163i pas\u0103 \u0163ie\u2026 Oricum, nu mi-ai \u0163inut minte niciodat\u0103 ziua de na\u015ftere, nici onomastica, \u015fi nici m\u0103car ziua \u00een care ne-am s\u0103rutat prima oar\u0103. (Vis\u0103toare) : 14 noiembrie 1963, la ora \u015faptispe \u015fi dou\u0103\u2019\u015f\u2019trei de minute .
\n\u015etii, prostule, c\u00e2t de greu mi-a fost de una singur\u0103 ? De-asta te-am \u015fi \u00een\u015felat\u2026 Da. Te-am \u00een\u015felat ! Cum m\u0103 \u00een\u015felai \u015fi tu cu activistele alea \u015fi io nici s\u0103 pl\u00e2ng nu puteam, c\u0103 trebuia s\u0103 joc \u00abNu te sup\u0103ra, frate\u00bb cu \u0103\u015ftia micii. Io te-am \u00een\u015felat cu unu\u2019 cu cin\u015fpe ani mai mic! Numa’ bun s\u0103-l ungi pe tine, ca pe Gerovital.
\nTotul a \u00eenceput de c\u00e2nd m-am pensionat. \u00cenc\u0103 de a doua zi, am \u00eenceput s\u0103 caut de lucru, c\u0103 din pensie nu se poate tr\u0103i. Am cump\u0103rat o c\u00e2rc\u0103 de ziare, dar n-am g\u0103sit dec\u00e2t posturi de dansatoare la bar\u0103 – \u015fi nu m\u0103 \u0163ine br\u0103cinarele, maic\u0103 – sau \u00ab persoane elegante pentru masaj \u015fi companie select\u0103 \u00bb. S\u0103 m\u0103 apuc eu, la v\u00e2rsta mea, de masaj \u015fi companie select\u0103!? C\u00e2nd toat\u0103 via\u0163a mea am cunoscut un singur b\u0103rbat\u2026 pe bietu\u2019 Silic\u0103, Dumnezeu s\u0103-l ierte\u2026 bine, \u015fi acu\u2019 pe Ghi\u0163uc\u0103. Da\u2019 cu Ghi\u0163uc\u0103 n-am f\u0103cut treaba aia ru\u015finoas\u0103\u2026 \u00eenc\u0103! abia de ne-am s\u0103rutat\u2026
\nN-am cunoscut \u00een pia\u0163\u0103, la Obor. S\u0103 \u015ftii, m\u0103 Silic\u0103, io \u00eenc\u0103 m\u0103 scol \u00een fiecare duminic\u0103 la \u015fapte \u015fi m\u0103 duc \u00een pia\u0163\u0103, la Obor c\u0103 acolo e toate mai ieftine! Ce-am \u00eennebunit s\u0103 dau cin\u015fpe mii pe morcovi, c\u00e2nd la Obor \u00eei g\u0103se\u015fti cu trei\u015fpe mii? Acolo l-am cunoscut \u015fi p\u0103 Ghi\u0163uc\u0103. Ce prune frumoase \u015fi mari avea. Mi-am adus aminte cum fierbea tataia \u0163uica la noi la Comarnic \u015fi m-a tr\u0103snit o idee d\u0103 biznis. I-am zis : Auzi, m\u0103, fl\u0103c\u0103u, vrei s\u0103 faci \u015fi tu un ban, s\u0103 fac \u015fi io doi? Io-\u0163i fac ce vrei matale, mi-a zis el. Nu \u0163i-i rusine s\u0103 vorbe\u015fti a\u015fa cu o doamn\u0103, m\u0103i\u2026 m\u0103i\u2026 \u015fi s\u0103 nu te \u0163ii de cuv\u00e2nt dup\u0103? Ba z\u0103u c\u0103 m\u0103 \u0163in, a zis el. Bine. D\u0103-mi zece kile d\u0103 prune, \u015fi o s\u0103 vezi ce \u015ftie fata s\u0103 fac\u0103 !
\n\u015ei i-am f\u0103cut, t\u0103ticule, o \u0163uic\u0103 de-a noastr\u0103 de Comarnic, de l-am l\u0103sat flea\u015fc\u0103 . M-o cerut p\u0103 loc de nevast\u0103. Da\u2019 io, fat\u0103 de\u015fteapt\u0103, i-am zis : las\u2019 c-am fost io odat\u0103 nevast\u0103 \u015fi mi-o ajuns . cu v\u00e2rf \u015fi \u00eendesat. S\u0103 mai fie \u015fi altele neveste, io vreau s\u0103 fiu amant\u0103.
\nDe-atunci, am pornit biznisu\u2019 \u015fi ne merge ca-n s\u00e2nu\u2019 lu\u2019 Avram ! D-aia-mi zice blocu\u2019 madam Desag\u0103\u2026 m\u0103 mai vede cu desag\u0103 de prune dup\u0103 mine\u2026 da\u2019 ce-mi pas\u0103 mie de gura lumii ? Ce, gura lumii \u00eemi d\u0103 mie de m\u00e2ncare ?
\n(Se uit\u0103 iar la fotografie) : Mi-e bine cu Ghi\u0163uc\u0103 ! \u00cei fac c\u00e2te o ciorb\u0103 ca la mama acas\u0103, nu ca la m\u0103-sa acas\u0103, unde se m\u0103n\u00e2nc\u0103 numai \u015ftevie \u015fi urzici, de zici c\u0103 i-a scos la p\u0103scut. Da\u2019 m\u0103 \u00eengrijoreaz\u0103 c\u0103 \u00eemi d\u0103 ghes s\u0103 facem treaba aia ru\u015finoas\u0103. Ce-i a\u015fa mare grab\u0103, m\u0103 b\u0103ie\u0163i, pe vremea mea, Silic\u0103 a a\u015fteptat cinci ani dup\u0103 treaba aia ru\u015finoas\u0103\u2026 \u015ei i-am dat-o de-abia dup\u0103 nunt\u0103, s\u0103 \u015ftiu c\u0103 am docomentu\u2019 la m\u00e2n\u0103.
\n(Sun\u0103 telefonul) : Alo, da ! Agigea, puiu\u2019 lu\u2019 mamaie\u2026 Ce s\u0103 fac\u0103 mamaie ? S\u0103 o chem la mine pe Dana ? Bagaboanta de la patru !? Da\u2019 ce-i casa mea, bar de negri ? Aha, vrei s\u0103 fii singur cu sor-sa, Angela, \u015fi n-ave\u0163i unde ! Da\u2019 Angela vrea s\u0103\u2026 fie singur\u0103 cu tine ? A\u015fa din prima ! ? Hmmm\u2026 O s\u0103 \u00eencerc, da\u2019 m\u0103 telefonezi c\u00e2nd a\u0163i terminat cu\u2026 singur\u0103tatea, s-o trimit acas\u0103, da ? Te pup\u0103 mamaie !
\n(\u00cenchide telefonul, mediteaz\u0103) : Nu le \u00een\u0163eleg, t\u0103ticule , pe astea tinere, nici s\u0103 m\u0103 ba\u0163i. De ce s\u0103 te arunci \u00een socoteal\u0103 num-a\u015fa, f\u0103r\u0103 nici o garan\u0163ie ? Dac\u0103 nu te ia \u0103la dup\u0103 ?
\nC\u00e2t o fi ceasul ? Nou\u0103 jumate\u2026 Sper s\u0103 termine p\u00e2n\u2019 la un\u015fpe, s\u0103-mi fac \u015fi io somnu\u2019 d\u0103 frumuse\u0163e.
\n(Iar manea. \u00cencepe s\u0103 bat\u0103 cu m\u0103tura-n calorifer. \u00cei sun\u0103 telefonul): M\u0103, feti\u0163\u0103, m\u0103\u2026 io te tot ascult cu muzicile astea de\u015fucheate, de mi le dai tu tare\u2026 \u015fi parc\u0103 are ele un merchez al lor. \u00cemi place d\u0103 ele ! Nu vii cu ele-ncoace, s\u0103 le auz \u015fi io mai bine ? Bag sam\u0103 c\u0103 \u015fi tu e\u015fti cam singuric\u0103. Am un cozonac… \u015fi-o pl\u0103cint\u0103 de mere cum n-ai m\u00e2ncat tu \u00een via\u0163a ta. \u015ei-\u0163i ar\u0103t \u015fi pozele lu\u2019 Agigea, c\u00e2nd erea mic.
\nCe-i cu tine, maic\u0103 ? Pl\u00e2ngi ? Ei, bine c\u0103 nu pl\u00e2ngi, hai odat\u0103 cu muzica aia, ce dracu\u2019.
\n (\u00cenchide, sun\u0103) : Agigea, mam\u0103, s-a rezolvat. Da\u2019 p\u00e2n\u2019 la un\u015fpe g\u0103ta\u0163i cu singur\u0103tatea, c\u0103 nici io nu-s patrul\u0103, s\u0103 stau toat\u0103 noaptea sculat\u0103. (Aude cioc\u0103nituri la u\u015f\u0103. \u015eopte\u015fte conspirativ.) Hai, c-a venit Dana, m\u0103 duc s\u0103-i deschid. Stai a\u015fa, s\u0103-\u0163i dea mamaie un sfat \u00een\u0163elept. S\u0103-\u0163i pui plastic, s\u0103 nu la\u015fi fata cu burta la gur\u0103, c\u0103 jar m\u0103n\u00e2nci! (\u00eenchide.) Da, feti\u0163\u0103 ! Vine baba, vine\u2026 (iese c\u0103tre hol.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"