Andrei \u00ee\u015fi iubea canapeaua.<\/p>\n
La \u00eenceput a crezut c\u0103 e vorba de o simpl\u0103 afinitate de natur\u0103 fizic\u0103. Genul acela de atrac\u0163ie pasager\u0103 despre care vorbeau hiturile de la VH1, “Stuck on You”, “Lay Your Love on Me” sau “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight”. Nu mai mult de o preferin\u0163\u0103. \u00cen fond, canapeaua nu avea remarci nepl\u0103cute \u015fi repro\u015furi, nu l\u0103tra \u015fi nu cronc\u0103nea, nu avea momente \u00een care s\u0103 prefere alt\u0103 companie dec\u00e2t pe a lui \u015fi nici nu se sup\u0103ra dac\u0103, \u00een unele zile – asta a\u015fa, pe la \u00eenceput – el \u00ee\u015fi chema \u015fi prietenii s\u0103 se tol\u0103neasc\u0103 pe ea. Gre\u015fit, nu-i chema cu scopul expres de a se tol\u0103ni pe ea, dar o dat\u0103 intra\u0163i \u00een cas\u0103, lucrurile se \u00eent\u00e2mplau de la sine. Acum, c\u0103 \u00ee\u015fi aminte\u015fte de aceea perioad\u0103, ofteaz\u0103 nostalgic: “Ce vremuri!” Dar un arc ie\u015fit din canapea – semn de b\u0103tr\u00e2ne\u0163e prematur\u0103, poate din cauza uzurii intense, c\u0103 nici canapelele nu-s eterne – \u00eel avertizeaz\u0103 c\u0103 e pe teren minat \u015fi ar fi cazul s\u0103-\u015fi bage min\u0163ile-n cap, altfel… Altfel pot ap\u0103rea metode neprev\u0103zute de coerci\u0163ie.<\/p>\n
Dar la \u00eenceput, ea, canapeaua, era o prieten\u0103 t\u0103cut\u0103 \u015fi agreabil\u0103. Se \u00eemp\u0103ca bine cu televizorul, cu calculatorul, cu farfuria de sandvi\u015furi, cu cutiile de bere. Maronie-\u00eenchis fiind, era genul definit de anumi\u0163i este\u0163i ca “rezistent la jeg”. \u00cenghi\u0163ea litri \u00eentregi de bere, la nevoie, f\u0103r\u0103 s\u0103 semnalizeze. Singurul lucru care a marcat-o a fost sosul de maionez\u0103 \u015fi ketchup al unei shaorme prea suculente. Dar pata nu a f\u0103cut dec\u00e2t s\u0103-i confere unicitate, a\u015fa, ca un test Rorschach pentru vizitatorii din ce \u00een ce mai rari \u015fi mai stingheri. Din ce \u00een ce mai gr\u0103bi\u0163i s\u0103 plece.<\/p>\n
Ce-i drept, nu avea cine s\u0103 \u00eei re\u0163in\u0103, pentru c\u0103, de c\u00e2nd descoperise pl\u0103cerea comuniunii cu canapeaua, orice tov\u0103r\u0103\u015fie uman\u0103 \u00eencepuse s\u0103 i se par\u0103 nepl\u0103cut\u0103 \u015fi iritant\u0103. Oamenii vorbesc prea mult, c\u00e2rtesc prea mult, cer prea mult, se agit\u0103 prea mult, respir\u0103 prea mult. Nimic din ce au de oferit nu compenseaz\u0103 pentru chinul de a-i suporta. Ultima vizit\u0103 a unui prieten a avut loc \u00een urm\u0103 cu 4 luni. Ba nu, 5. Sau 6? Ce mai conteaz\u0103? A intrat, a \u00eentrebat: “Ce mai faci?” Apoi: “Am adus ni\u015fte bere. Vrei?” Apoi: “B\u0103, da’ tu ce dracu’ ai?” Apoi: “E\u015fti dement pe bune, dementule. Nu te ui\u0163i la tine c\u0103 ar\u0103\u0163i de parc\u0103 n-ai avea indicator?” A plecat. A l\u0103sat cele dou\u0103 beri pe dul\u0103piorul din hol.
\n<\/p>\n
Andrei a dat s\u0103 se ridice. Dup\u0103 beri desigur, nu dup\u0103 cretinul isteric, lua-l-ar dracu’ de cretin isteric. Gestul l-a obosit de tare, \u00eenc\u00e2t s-a pr\u0103bu\u015fit la loc pe canapea \u015fi a tras un pui de somn. Apoi a sunat la o pizza delivery, s\u0103 comande pizza. A pl\u0103tit prin internet banking. B\u0103iatul \u015ftia c\u0103 e deschis, c\u0103 \u00eei poate aduce pizza p\u00e2n\u0103 pe canapea. Era colaborarea perfect\u0103.<\/p>\n
\u00centr-o zi, a descoperit c\u0103 nu mai putea mi\u015fca piciorul st\u00e2ng. Nu-l folosise de vreo patru luni, se lipise complet de canapea. A tras pu\u0163in de el, apoi s-a resemnat. Cine are nevoie de picior st\u00e2ng, dac\u0103 nu pleac\u0103 nic\u0103ieri?<\/p>\n
O und\u0103 de panic\u0103 l-a cuprins abia c\u00e2nd a constatat c\u0103 \u0163es\u0103tura c\u0103ptu\u015felii \u00eencepe s\u0103 se \u00eentrep\u0103trund\u0103 cu epiderma spatelui s\u0103u. Asta era deja o problem\u0103. P\u00e2n\u0103 acum, rela\u0163ia lui cu canapeaua se bazase pe libertate. Pe varietatea pozi\u0163iilor. Acum, se sim\u0163ea blocat \u00een ini\u0163iative. Sclav al conjuncturii. Ceva sc\u00e2r\u0163\u00e2ia.<\/p>\n
La propriu, nu doar la figurat. Atunci a ie\u015fit \u015fi arcul, care l-a \u00eempuns delicat \u00een coast\u0103. \u015ei \u015fi-a croit drum prin el, ocolind cu grij\u0103 organele vitale. Canapeaua nu \u00eel voia mort. \u00cel voia doar prizonier. La \u00eenceput s-a \u00eenfuriat, s-a zb\u0103tut. Dar furia e extenuant\u0103. A adormit iar.<\/p>\n
Apoi, a urmat catastrofa. \u00centr-o zi, dat s\u0103 \u00eentind\u0103 m\u00e2na spre tastatur\u0103, s\u0103 comande ravioli cu br\u00e2nz\u0103, dar… m\u00e2na nu i se mai supunea. Era rece, metalic\u0103, spiralat\u0103. Gri.<\/p>\n
Acum, Andrei e doar o pat\u0103 de pe o canapea sc\u00e2lciat\u0103, la un depozit de vechituri. Muncitorii joac\u0103 table, se tol\u0103nesc peste el \u015fi uneori \u00eencearc\u0103 s\u0103 ghiceasc\u0103 de la ce substan\u0163\u0103 provine. Tot un fel de test Rorschach, s\u0103 zicem; dar mai rudimentar.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Andrei \u00ee\u015fi iubea canapeaua. La \u00eenceput a crezut c\u0103 e vorba de o simpl\u0103 afinitate de natur\u0103 fizic\u0103. Genul acela de atrac\u0163ie pasager\u0103 despre...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":10252,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2765","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2010\/10\/old-couch.jpg?fit=500%2C441&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2765","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2765"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2765\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":10253,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2765\/revisions\/10253"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/10252"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2765"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2765"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2765"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}