Cost\u0103chel era \u00eendr\u0103gostitul perpetuu. Se trezea \u00eendr\u0103gostit, f\u0103cea du\u015f s\u0103punindu-se cu dragoste lichid\u0103, \u00ee\u015fi bea cafeaua de diminea\u0163\u0103 dizolv\u00e2nd \u00een ea dou\u0103 linguri\u0163e pline v\u00e2rf cu dragoste, la birou avea o vaz\u0103 cu un buchet de dragoste, la pr\u00e2nz m\u00e2nca dragoste la cuptor cu garnitur\u0103 de morcovi sota\u0163i, se ducea la hipermarket s\u0103 \u00ee\u015fi cumpere o doz\u0103 de bere \u015fi un pachet de dragoste iar serile \u00ee\u015fi injecta dragoste \u00een ven\u0103 p\u00e2n\u0103 c\u0103dea lat, cu pupilele dilatate \u015fi stomacul tremur\u00e2nd.
\n\u015ei totu\u015fi, expresia fizic\u0103 a dragostei nu \u00ee\u015fi avea loc \u00een via\u0163a at\u00e2t de r\u0103v\u0103\u015fit\u0103 de dragoste a lui Cost\u0103chel cel \u00eendr\u0103gostit. Pentru c\u0103, de\u015fi dragostea era constant\u0103, obiectul ei varia din jum\u0103tate \u00een jum\u0103tate de or\u0103.
\nBine, asta nu ar fi fost o problem\u0103. O jum\u0103tate de or\u0103 de dragoste \u00eemplinit\u0103 face mai mult dec\u00e2t zece ani de mariaj e\u015fuat. Numai c\u0103 asupra lui Cost\u0103chel se ab\u0103tuse un crunt blestem.
\nVezi dumneata, drag\u0103 cititorule, cu c\u00e2\u0163iva ani \u00een urm\u0103, Cost\u0103chel fusese un \u00eendr\u0103gostit obi\u015fnuit ca mine \u015fi ca tine. Dar \u00eentr-o zi ploioas\u0103, venind u\u015for ciupit de la un bar cu fi\u0163e, se pomenise cu o erec\u0163ie cu care ar fi putut sparge lejer ferestre, dac\u0103 ar fi avut vreun feti\u015f straniu cu cioburi de sticl\u0103.
\nSpre norocul lui Cost\u0103chel, la c\u00e2\u0163iva metri de el, o \u0163iganc\u0103 b\u0103tr\u00e2n\u0103 \u00ee\u015fi c\u0103ta de treab\u0103, m\u0103tur\u00e2nd alene frunzele ude \u015fi p\u0103tate de rugin\u0103 cu un m\u0103turoi s\u00e2rmos.
\n-Ce faci aici? s-a r\u0103stit el la ea, de parc\u0103 ar fi prins-o comi\u0163\u00e2nd cine \u015ftie ce delict.
\nBaba l-a m\u0103surat acid din priviri, apoi a r\u00e2njit \u015ftirb.
\n-Hauleo, \u015fefu’, tr\u0103i-\u0163i-ar \u0163ie familia, ai venit la control.
\nN-o fi avut Cost\u0103chel un feti\u015f cu sticl\u0103, dar \u00een mod sigur avea un feti\u015f cu gingii mov, decorate ici \u015fi colo cu c\u00e2te un ciot de dinte maroniu. A sim\u0163it c\u0103 \u00eei explodeaz\u0103 fermoarul. De fapt, amenin\u0163a s\u0103 se strice de c\u00e2teva zile, era din ce \u00een ce mai dificil de tras. Era de b\u0103nuit c\u0103 \u00eentr-o zi va ceda la presiune.
\n-P\u0103i, ce, asta-i cur\u0103\u0163enie, a r\u0103cnit, \u00eencerc\u00e2nd s\u0103 par\u0103 c\u00e2t mai amenin\u0163\u0103tor. Ne batem joc de banii prim\u0103riei?
\n-Hauleo, \u015fefu’ nu mai vorbi a\u015fa c\u0103 e cu p\u0103cat, uite \u015fi io femeie b\u0103tr\u00e2n\u0103 am p\u00e2ine de luat la copii \u015fi nu \u00eemi ajunge banii e greu \u015fi a\u015fa, s\u0103 moar\u0103 mama dac\u0103 te mint, tr\u0103i-\u0163i-ar \u015fi \u0163ie familia \u015fi copila\u015fii, m\u00e2nca-\u0163i-a\u015f ochii, \u00eencepu \u0163iganca s\u0103 turuie f\u0103r\u0103 s\u0103 respire.
\n“Bun, \u015ftie s\u0103-\u0163i dozeze perfect aerul din pl\u0103m\u00e2ni”, \u015fi-a zis Cost\u0103chel.
\nA cobor\u00e2t din ma\u015fin\u0103 \u015fi s-a \u00eendreptat seme\u0163.
\n-C\u00e2t mai cost\u0103 o p\u00e2ine?
\n-Un leu, s\u0103 tr\u0103ie\u015fti, \u015fefu’, a b\u00e2iguit \u0163iganca. Amu\u0163ise de \u00eendat\u0103 ce d\u0103duse cu ochii de realitatea crud\u0103 \u015fi tare ca o\u0163elul.
\n-C\u00e2\u0163i copii ai tu?
\n-Ci… ci… cin\u015fpe… pepepepe…
\n-Azi sunt generos. \u00ce\u0163i dau cin\u015fpe lei s\u0103 mi-o bele\u015fti pu\u0163in printre gingii \u015fi s\u0103 \u00ee\u0163i zg\u00e2nd\u0103ri cioturile de ea, dar f\u0103r\u0103 s\u0103 mu\u015fti, c\u0103 dracu’ te-a luat!
\nZis \u015fi f\u0103cut. \u00cen timp ce baba se apleca gem\u00e2nd \u015fi troznind din toate \u00eencheieturile – spre surprinderea lui, p\u00e2n\u0103 \u015fi aceste sunete i se p\u0103reau excitante \u00een context – Cost\u0103chel \u00ee\u015fi rupse fermoarul \u00een dou\u0103 dintr-o singur\u0103 mi\u015fcare. “O prostesc pe vecina de la patru s\u0103 \u00eemi dea altul \u015fi s\u0103 \u00eel \u015fi coas\u0103”, \u00ee\u015fi zise el. “Dar pentru asta, trebuie s\u0103 nu r\u0103m\u00e2n\u0103 urme, c\u0103 nu-i pot duce pantalonii p\u0103ta\u0163i!”
\n-Auzi, f\u0103, \u00eei zise el babei, vezi s\u0103 \u00eenghi\u0163i tot, frumos, p\u00e2n\u0103 la ultima pic\u0103tur\u0103. Dac\u0103 scap\u0103 un singur strop, ai ratat deal-ul.
\n-Hauleo, da’ ce m\u0103 crezi, \u015fefu’, m\u00e2nca-\u0163i-a\u015f? Rom\u00e2nc\u0103 de-a voastr\u0103 fraier\u0103 care nu \u015ftie cum s\u0103 bele\u015fte cariciul? Ptiu, \u00eencepu baba, umezindu-l cu o por\u0163ie generoas\u0103 de scuipat g\u0103lbui.
\n\u00cen cel mai scurt timp, Cost\u0103chel era \u00een culmile extazului. Nu era numai noaptea vine\u0163ie, nu era numai alcoolul \u015fi nici ocazia nesperat\u0103 pe care un zeu al perversiunilor i-o aruncase a\u015fa, dintr-o toan\u0103, \u00een drum. Era \u015fi un ciot de dinte f\u0103r\u00e2mat, care \u00eel zg\u00e2nd\u0103rea suav exact pe punctul lui mai sensibil de sub gland. Toate acestea laolalt\u0103 generau magia inefabil\u0103 a clipei. Care, ca orice magie inefabil\u0103, a luat sf\u00e2r\u015fit \u00een mai pu\u0163in de trei minute, c\u00e2nd el expedie un jet nest\u0103vilit undeva, \u00een ad\u00e2ncimea neagr\u0103 \u015fi bolborositoare a g\u00e2tului ei.
\n\u00cen clipa imediat urm\u0103toare, se \u00eent\u00e2mpl\u0103 dezastrul. O prinsese, probabil, pe nepreg\u0103tite, ea str\u0103nut\u0103, iar visul lui de a o prosti pe vecina de sus f\u0103r\u0103 s\u0103 spele pantalonii se destr\u0103m\u0103 ca mitul lui Mo\u015f Cr\u0103ciun.
\n-Imbecila dracului, ce-ai f\u0103cut, r\u0103cni el, examin\u00e2nd diversele licori de varii onctuozit\u0103\u0163i care i se absorbeau treptat \u00een denimul albastru.
\nBaba nu r\u0103spunse. Era ocupat\u0103 cu o tuse r\u0103gu\u015fit\u0103, care se termina cu un \u0163iuit bizar.
\n-Uite, pentru asta, nu-\u0163i dau nici un leu.
\n-Ce face!? r\u0103cni hoa\u015fca. Hauleu, \u015fefu’ nu face asta. Hauleu, \u015fefu’, ce face copila\u015fii mei nem\u00e2nca\u0163i…
\n-Nu e problema mea, decret\u0103 Cost\u0103chel, s\u0103ri \u00een ma\u015fin\u0103 \u015fi se dep\u0103rt\u0103 \u00een tromb\u0103.
\nR\u0103mas\u0103 singur\u0103, baba ridic\u0103 m\u0103turoiul spre cer cu un gest gorgonic \u015fi \u00eencepu s\u0103 blesteme. Noi nu \u015ftim ce, c\u0103 nu suntem autori omniscien\u0163i \u015fi omniprezen\u0163i, de aceea ne \u0163inem scai de Cost\u0103chel, el fiind eroul nara\u0163iunii.<\/p>\n
Ideea e c\u0103, de atunci, Cost\u0103chel nu face sex. Pur \u015fi simplu, c\u00e2nd ajunge \u00een fa\u0163a momentului, simte o neputin\u0163\u0103 ciudat\u0103. Pentru a o masca, \u00eencepe s\u0103 caute defecte:
\n-De ce nu-s c\u0103lcate cear\u015fafurile?
\n-Iar por\u0163i chilo\u0163i ro\u015fii, \u015ftii c\u0103 mie nu \u00eemi plac chilo\u0163ii ro\u015fii!
\n-Nu \u015ftiam c\u0103 ai o aluni\u0163\u0103 pe burt\u0103 \u015fi e at\u00e2t de ur\u00e2t\u0103. Trebuia s\u0103 m\u0103 avertizezi de c\u00e2nd te-am privit prima oar\u0103 cu sub\u00een\u0163eles.
\n-Am alergie la lumina de bec, trebuia s\u0103 montezi neoane-n dormitor!
\nIar c\u00e2nd totul e perfect, cear\u015fafurile sunt ca scoase din cutie, fata poart\u0103 cea mai fin\u0103, mai rafinat-dantelat\u0103 \u015fi mai provocatoare lenjerie verde – culoarea lui preferat\u0103 – , are un trup impecabil, iar lumina difuz\u0103, sugestiv\u0103 adaug\u0103 un plus de mister \u00eenc\u0103perii, Cost\u0103chel o ia ginga\u015f de m\u00e2n\u0103, \u00ee\u015fi apropie buzele de g\u00e2tul ei \u015fi \u015fopte\u015fte:
\n-\u015etii, ce vreau, iubito, de la tine?
\nLa nici zece secunde dup\u0103 ce \u00eei spune e aruncat pe u\u015f\u0103 afar\u0103.
\nSt\u0103 buim\u0103cit, \u00ee\u015fi aprinde o \u0163igar\u0103 \u015fi se \u00eentreab\u0103:
\n-Ce o fi cu mine? \u00cen fond, nici nu-mi doream chestia aia at\u00e2t de tare. Ar fi mers \u015fi…
\nIar la acest g\u00e2nd, mai trece pe la chio\u015fcul nonstop din col\u0163, \u00ee\u015fi mai ia un pachet de \u0163ig\u0103ri \u015fi o doz\u0103 de bere \u015fi se duce s\u0103 descarce un pic de dragoste de pe DC++.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Cost\u0103chel era \u00eendr\u0103gostitul perpetuu. Se trezea \u00eendr\u0103gostit, f\u0103cea du\u015f s\u0103punindu-se cu dragoste lichid\u0103, \u00ee\u015fi bea cafeaua de diminea\u0163\u0103 dizolv\u00e2nd \u00een ea dou\u0103 linguri\u0163e pline...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2801","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2801","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2801"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2801\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2801"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2801"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2801"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}