{"id":3022,"date":"2010-12-10T18:14:33","date_gmt":"2010-12-10T15:14:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lorenalupu.wordpress.com\/?p=3022"},"modified":"2010-12-10T18:14:33","modified_gmt":"2010-12-10T15:14:33","slug":"goana-dupa-haur-2010-dance-version","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/goana-dupa-haur-2010-dance-version\/","title":{"rendered":"Goana dup\u0103 haur 2010 (dance version)"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>De ziua mea mi-au expirat toate dintr-un \u015fut: buletin \u015fi pa\u015faport. \u015ei mi le-am b\u0103gat. Documentele la institu\u0163iile aferente din Sepsiszentgyorgy, Kovaszna, la refacere.<\/p>\n<p>Nu am avut niciodat\u0103 fantezii erotice cu pitici, dar lui Boc i-a\u015f pune fofoloanca peste fa\u0163\u0103, s\u0103-i fac \u015fi barb\u0103 \u015fi musta\u0163\u0103. De ce trebuie s\u0103 dureze trei s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2ni facerea de buletin, c\u0103 doar nu-i facere de bine, s\u0103 vin\u0103 la pachet cu futerea de mam\u0103!? \u015ei de ce nu se d\u0103 card de identitate temporar\u0103 (hihi, prea bun\u0103 asta cu identitatea temporar\u0103, eu sunt temporar o proast\u0103 dar \u00een c\u00e2teva zile \u00eemi trece :P), ci adeverin\u0163a pulii c\u0103 ai buletinul \u00een refacerea? O h\u00e2rtie mic\u0103 \u015fi penibil\u0103 pe care bine\u00een\u0163eles c\u0103 am v\u0103rsat bere, cafea, ketchup, topping de ciocolat\u0103, suc de portocale, maionez\u0103 Hellmann&#8217;s \u015fi au \u015fi ejaculat vreo doi buni prieteni de-ai mei? Dar s\u0103 \u00eenceap\u0103 scenariul groazei:<\/p>\n<p><strong>Scena 1. Interior, sear\u0103<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Na belea, c\u0103 acum c\u00e2teva zile, c\u00e2nd \u00eemi cump\u0103ram \u015fi eu tradi\u0163ionala sticl\u0103 de vodc\u0103 la supermarket \u015fi dau s\u0103 pl\u0103tesc cu cardul, cititorul \u0103leia \u00eencepe s\u0103 scheaune.<br \/>\n-Dar am bani pe card, protestez.<br \/>\n-Nu asta e problema, domni\u015foar\u0103, v-a expirat cardul.<\/p>\n<p>Iat\u0103-m\u0103 brusc f\u0103r\u0103 acte \u015fi insolvabil\u0103, ca un emigrant din lumea a treia pierdut \u00een jungla urban\u0103 a unei civiliza\u0163ii consumeriste.<\/p>\n<p>CUT TO:<\/p>\n<p><strong>Scena 2. Interior, diminea\u0163\u0103<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Eu la telefon: Alo, da. C\u00e2t dureaz\u0103? Aha, le pute\u0163i transmite s\u0103 \u00eel emit\u0103? Da, neap\u0103rat sediul unde mi-am f\u0103cut contul? Dar \u00eentre timp m-am mutat \u00een cel\u0103lalt cap\u0103t al ora\u015fului \u015fi am BCR l\u00e2ng\u0103 mine, beau cafeaua de diminea\u0163\u0103 cu ochii-n buda lor \u015fi cu ocheanul pornit. Aha, mersi.<\/p>\n<p>CUT TO:<br \/>\n<strong>Scena 3. Interior<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Computer:<\/p>\n<p>lorena lupu: care ai s\u0103-mi \u00eemprumu\u0163i un milion pentru c\u00e2teva zile? (scz de mass)<br \/>\namic1: :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) ce glum\u0103 bun\u0103!<br \/>\namic2: e\u015fti comic\u0103 p\u0103 umor<br \/>\namic3: fah, nu mi-am luat nici eu salariul de 3 luni<br \/>\namic4: sunt \u00een timi\u015foara, \u0163i-i virez bancar?<br \/>\namic5: sorry, nu \u00eemprumut bani din principiu.<\/p>\n<p>FADE OUT<\/p>\n<p><strong>Scena 4. Exterior zi<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Eu cobor dintr-un mijloc de transport \u015fi stau s\u0103 \u00eel a\u015ftept pe urm\u0103torul.<br \/>\nCer\u015fetor: Domni\u015foar\u0103, nu ave\u0163i s\u0103-mi da\u0163i \u015fi mie ni\u015fte bani, c\u0103-s s\u0103rac \u015fi moare copiii mei d\u0103 foame?<br \/>\nEu (m\u0103 transform ca Michael Jackson \u00een thriller \u015fi ridic fa\u0163a sinistr\u0103 cu col\u0163i interminabili spre el): Whoaaaaaaaaaa.<br \/>\nEl: Gata, gata. Am \u00eentrebat, n-am dat cu parul&#8230; (Fuge).<br \/>\nCadru \u00eenapoi pe mine, cu fa\u0163a mea normal\u0103 \u015fi o privire u\u015for nedumerit\u0103.<br \/>\nEu: Ce angoasat e cet\u0103\u0163eanul mileniului 3!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Scena 5. Interior banc\u0103, zi<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Eu: Bun\u0103 ziua, mi-a expirat cardul.<br \/>\nBank officer: Buletinul, v\u0103 rog?<br \/>\nEu scot adeverin\u0163a (lui Boc, pune-i-a\u015f pizda peste fa\u0163\u0103, face-i-a\u015f pilozitate facial\u0103 abundent\u0103).<br \/>\nBank officer: Ce-i asta?<br \/>\nEu: Adeverin\u0163\u0103 emis\u0103 de Consiliul Local Sf\u00e2ntu Gheorghe, jude\u0163ul Covasna, c\u0103 buletinul e under mentenance. E valabil\u0103, semnat\u0103, \u015ftampilat\u0103.<br \/>\nBank officer: Nu intr\u0103 \u00een actele prev\u0103zute pentru eliberarea noului card. Pa\u015faport nu ave\u0163i?<br \/>\nEu: Pentru \u0103la nici m\u0103car adeverin\u0163\u0103 nu am.<br \/>\nBank officer: Permis de conducere?<br \/>\nEu: Nu, sunt daltonist\u0103. Am fost convins\u0103 c\u0103 am ciclul verde p\u00e2n\u0103 c\u00e2nd am ajuns \u00een c\u0103min s\u0103 \u00eemi explice o coleg\u0103 c\u0103 de fapt e ro\u015fu.<br \/>\nBank officer: Livret de marinar?<br \/>\nEu: Eu v-am vorbit frumos, da?  Doar pentru c\u0103 \u00eemi place vodca, nu \u00eenseamn\u0103 c\u0103-s Traian B\u0103sescu!<br \/>\nBank officer: Atunci nu v\u0103 putem da cardul.<br \/>\nEu: Dac\u0103 vre\u0163i, v\u0103 spun PIN-ul vechiului card. Uite legitima\u0163ia de pres\u0103. Uite certificatul de na\u015ftere.<br \/>\nBank officer: Nu-s actele legale.<br \/>\nEu (disperat\u0103): Doamn\u0103, dac\u0103 \u00een mintea lui Boc, h\u00e2rtia asta slobozie e pentru trei s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2ni buletinul meu, eu ce s\u0103 fac? Nu se poate s\u0103 mor de foame cu patruzeci de milioane \u00een cont. E penibil!<br \/>\nBank officer: Sorry.<\/p>\n<p>Fulger divin, deus ex machina style, \u015fi privirea mea se lumineaz\u0103. Scot tokenul:<br \/>\nEu: Doamn\u0103, v\u0103 rog atunci un lucru. Iat\u0103 tokenul cu care putem accesa contul meu online. Noroc c\u0103 \u0103sta nu a expirat. V\u0103 virez dumneavoastr\u0103 cinci milioane \u00een contul dumneavoastr\u0103 \u015fi mi le da\u0163i. Se poate a\u015fa?<\/p>\n<p>Camera se mut\u0103 asupra biroului al\u0103turat, unde o coleg\u0103 ro\u015fcat\u0103 ascultase cu un z\u00e2mbet discu\u0163ia.<br \/>\nColega: Hai, m\u0103, Pu\u015fa, d\u0103-i dracu&#8217; cardul \u0103la! \u015ei-i zici s\u0103 vin\u0103 cu buletinul, c\u00e2nd \u00eel are!<br \/>\nPu\u015fa: Mnu&#8230; \u015ftiu. Mbine&#8230; dar veni\u0163i neap\u0103rat cu buletinul c\u00e2nd \u00eel ave\u0163i, se r\u0103ste\u015fte la mine.<br \/>\nEu: Din clipa \u00een care \u00eel iau \u00een m\u00e2n\u0103, iau covorul persan spre dumneavoastr\u0103, doamna Pu\u015fa.<\/p>\n<p>I-a\u015f trimite bezele ro\u015fcatei, dar e pi\u0163ipongic. I-a\u015f face sex oral, dar e prea porno pentru un film serios. De aceea, las continuarea acestui scenariu la latitudinea onoratului cititor. Voi cum a\u0163i \u00eencheia apoteotic story-ul?<\/p>\n<p>\u015ei dance version:<\/p>\n<div class=\"video-container\"><span class=\"embed-youtube\" style=\"text-align:center; display: block;\"><iframe loading=\"lazy\" class=\"youtube-player\" width=\"700\" height=\"394\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/59qR4kRdhLE?version=3&#038;rel=1&#038;showsearch=0&#038;showinfo=1&#038;iv_load_policy=1&#038;fs=1&#038;hl=en-US&#038;autohide=2&#038;wmode=transparent\" allowfullscreen=\"true\" style=\"border:0;\" sandbox=\"allow-scripts allow-same-origin allow-popups allow-presentation allow-popups-to-escape-sandbox\"><\/iframe><\/span><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>De ziua mea mi-au expirat toate dintr-un \u015fut: buletin \u015fi pa\u015faport. \u015ei mi le-am b\u0103gat. Documentele la institu\u0163iile aferente din Sepsiszentgyorgy, Kovaszna, la refacere.&#46;&#46;&#46;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3022","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3022","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3022"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3022\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3022"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3022"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3022"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}