Nu! Nu m\u0103 mai invita pe la tine s\u0103-mi faci cafele, c\u0103 nu mai vin. Prefer s\u0103 \u00eemi aduc nesuri, s\u0103 \u00eemi aduc ibric, s\u0103 \u00eemi aduc litiera lui Pulic\u0103 s\u0103 o fac la nisip, dar refuz cu obstina\u0163ie s\u0103 \u00ee\u0163i mai beau cafeaua. \u015ei iat\u0103 de ce:<\/p>\n
A) O faci lung\u0103.<\/p>\n
Nimic nu e mai trist dec\u00e2t un lichid care, dup\u0103 culoare, pare a aduce vag a cafea, dar dup\u0103 gust nu seam\u0103n\u0103 dec\u00e2t cu apa s\u0103lcie. Cafeaua se bea tare, ferm\u0103, erect\u0103. Dac\u0103 r\u0103m\u00e2ne \u015fi linguri\u0163a erect\u0103, e cu at\u00e2t mai bine. Test de concentrare: Dac\u0103 pui cafeaua \u00eentr-un pahar \u015fi nu e complet opac\u0103, e zoaie. Spal\u0103 tu vasele cu ea, sau pune-o \u00een g\u0103leat\u0103 \u015fi d\u0103 cu mopul.<\/p>\n
B) O faci scurt\u0103.<\/p>\n
Un lucru pe care nu l-am \u00een\u0163eles niciodat\u0103 este cafeaua la ce\u015fcu\u0163\u0103 de tip clitoris. De ceeee? \u0162ie \u00ee\u0163i ajunge un aport de cofein\u0103 de 0,000001% din DZR? Mie nu. Poate cucoanele de alt\u0103dat\u0103, care nu cuno\u015fteau termenul “deadline” \u015fi care \u00ee\u015fi foloseau intelectul doar pentru a analiza modelul de rochie al Madamei Pulancur erau \u00eenc\u00e2ntate s\u0103 bea cafeaua din ce\u015fcu\u0163e-lindic, cu un deget ridicat cochet \u00een aer. Din punctul meu de vedere, cafeaua se bea la can\u0103. Mare, plin\u0103, neagr\u0103, dens\u0103 – s-o sim\u0163i.<\/p>\n
C) O faci la espresor.<\/p>\n
B\u0103ga-\u015fi-ar dracu’ pula \u00een toate aparatele astea de c\u0103cat care storc cafeaua de orice urm\u0103 de omenie, o aplatizeaz\u0103, o uniformizeaz\u0103, \u00eei dau un gust de baleg\u0103 de cal st\u0103tut\u0103 patru zile \u00een soare – \u015fi mai \u015fi ai arsuri gastrice dup\u0103 ce o bei.
\nC\u00e2nd vine vorba de cafea, eu chiar cred \u00een Dumnezeu. Cred c\u0103 exist\u0103 un Dumnezeu al cafelei, care trebuie invocat cu grij\u0103, la foc mic, cu num\u0103r exact de linguri\u0163e \u015fi cu zah\u0103rul topit dinainte \u00een ibric, s\u0103 se caramelizeze. \u015ei cred c\u0103 Dumnezeul cafelei se sup\u0103r\u0103 r\u0103u de tot pe muritorii care s\u0103v\u00e2r\u015fesc p\u0103catul malahiei cu expresorul, \u015fi pune ni\u015fte draci mici s\u0103 ne fut\u0103 mucoasa gastric\u0103 de c\u00e2te ori ne batem joc de sf\u00e2nta cafea. \u015ei bine ne face. Cafeaua e ca dragostea: cum o for\u0163ezi, cum devine viol.<\/p>\n
D) \u00cei pui fri\u015fc\u0103 \/ \u00eenghe\u0163at\u0103 \/ sperm\u0103 la suprafa\u0163\u0103 f\u0103r\u0103 s\u0103 m\u0103 consul\u0163i.<\/p>\n
Rom da, brandy, da, miere, da, lapte (da, c\u00e2nd m\u0103 arde stomacul \u015fi e a cincea cafea), l\u0103m\u00e2ie (da, dup\u0103 mahmureal\u0103, \u00een zorii unei r\u0103celi zdravene sau \u00een condi\u0163ii de tradus dooj de pagini pe zi, cafeaua cu l\u0103m\u00e2ie e panaceu universal). Substan\u0163e albe \u015fi onctuoase, nu. Nu tot ce torni pe trupul meu poate intra \u015fi \u00een cea\u015fca mea de cafea. Invers, \u00eens\u0103, merge.<\/p>\n
E) N-o la\u015fi s\u0103 fiarb\u0103 p\u00e2n\u0103 se umfl\u0103 \u015fi ea odat\u0103.<\/p>\n
NU, nu o iei de pe foc dup\u0103 ce ai aruncat substan\u0163a \u00een ibric. E lezmaiestate! Cafeaua nu e ceai, s\u0103-i faci infuzie. Las-o s\u0103 se \u00eentrep\u0103trund\u0103, s\u0103 se \u00eemprieteneasc\u0103, s\u0103 se omogenizeze. Abia apoi stingi focul. Dac\u0103 nu faci asta, \u00ee\u0163i iese tot o chi\u015foarc\u0103 nasoal\u0103. Tot o zoaie care merit\u0103 tratat\u0103 ca \u00een punctul A.<\/p>\n
F) Scuipi \u00een ea c\u00e2nd o torni \u00een CAN\u0102 (read my lips: CAN\u0102) \u015fi speri c\u0103 nu m\u0103 prind.<\/p>\n
G) Cana de cafea nu are punct G. Dar despre punctul G, \u00eentr-un post urm\u0103tor.<\/p>\n
H) Iei cea mai ieftin\u0103 cafea din supermarket. Baby, cafeaua scump\u0103 e scump\u0103 din anumite motive bine \u00eentemeiate. \ud83d\ude09<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Nu! Nu m\u0103 mai invita pe la tine s\u0103-mi faci cafele, c\u0103 nu mai vin. Prefer s\u0103 \u00eemi aduc nesuri, s\u0103 \u00eemi aduc ibric,...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":10802,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3228","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/01\/coffee.jpg?fit=1920%2C1200&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3228","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3228"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3228\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":10801,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3228\/revisions\/10801"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/10802"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3228"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3228"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3228"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}