O s\u0103 \u00eencep ca mo\u015fii: pe vremea mea, b\u0103i, copii, nu se \u015ftia ce e \u0103la tren sau maxi-taxi. Studen\u0163imea avea deget mare la m\u00e2na dreapt\u0103 \u015fi \u00eel folosea. Pe marginea \u015foselei de periferie, ne amestecam cu \u0163\u0103ranii \u015fi al\u0163i s\u0103r\u0103ntoci, p\u00e2ndind \u015foferul milos care \u00ee\u0163i f\u0103cea semn s\u0103 vii. A\u015fa scria \u015fi \u00een dic\u0163ionar: autostop = c\u0103l\u0103torit studen\u0163esc moca.<\/p>\n
\u015ei acum, c\u00e2nd merg acas\u0103 la Sf\u00e2ntu Gheorghe nu iau niciodat\u0103 trenul din Bra\u015fov, care face o or\u0103 \u015fi ocole\u015fte aiurea, nici maxi-taxi-ul incomod \u015fi hurduc\u0103it. Circul \u00een ma\u015fini de lux, care m\u0103 duc \u00een 20 de minute la destina\u0163ie. Diferen\u0163a e c\u0103 acum cotizez. Pentru c\u0103 vremurile-s altele, nici eu nu mai am 18 ani \u015fi nici cariera lui Prince nu mai e ce era. Dar dac\u0103 tu, ucenic \u00een ale autostopului, vrei s\u0103 te iei dup\u0103 mine (nu fizic, m\u0103, m\u0103 refeream la acest mod de a str\u0103bate \u0163ara pe ro\u0163ile \u015fi benzina altuia), nu-\u0163i stric\u0103 sfaturile b\u0103tr\u00e2ne\u015fti de mai jos:<\/p>\n
1. S\u0103 ai mereu o pancart\u0103 cu ora\u015ful de destina\u0163ie, scris cu un marker gros, vizibil \u015fi din avion, dac\u0103 se poate. (C\u0103 nu se \u015ftie, poate opre\u015fte \u015fi \u0103la). Asta te va diferen\u0163ia (dac\u0103 e\u015fti fat\u0103), de liber-profesionista care-\u015fi dore\u015fte doar o rela\u0163ie mic\u0103 pe 10 RON, dup\u0103 col\u0163, sau de golanul pus pe jefuit \u015foferi naivi tot dup\u0103 col\u0163 (dac\u0103 e\u015fti b\u0103iat). Mul\u0163i \u015foferi cu care m-am \u00eentins la vorb\u0103 pe lungile drumuri ale patriei mi-au zis: \u201eB\u0103i, m\u0103 plictisesc singur la drum, aveam chef de un pahar de r\u00e2s cu cineva, dar dac\u0103 nu aveai pancarta cu Sibiu, nu m\u0103 g\u00e2ndeam s\u0103 opresc dup\u0103 tine\u201d.<\/p>\n
Efectul advers: Uneori se opresc \u015fi glume\u0163ii. F\u0103ceam eu stopul de la Timi\u015foara la Cluj \u2013 iar la ie\u015firea din ora\u015f, s-a oprit o c\u0103ru\u0163\u0103.<\/p>\n
2. Poate a\u0163i observat c\u0103 am enumerat doar ora\u015fe din Transilvania. Nu e o \u00eent\u00e2mplare. \u015eoferii de la sud-est de curbura carpatic\u0103 se divid \u00een a) arogan\u0163i: \u201ed\u0103-i \u00een p**a mea de s\u0103r\u0103ntoci, nu m\u0103 opresc io cu Mer\u0163anul meu pentru c***rile lor jegoase\u201d, b) taximetri\u015fti care \u015fi-au gre\u015fit voca\u0163ia: \u201eio te duc, nene, da\u2019 marchezi sutaru\u2019 de euro! ce dac\u0103 trenul era 30 de lei?\u201d c) nefrecventa\u0163i cronic: \u201e\u015fi de-abia plec\u0103 ma\u015fina, ce mai fream\u0103t, ce mai zbucium\u201d, dup\u0103 cum a zis Mihai Eminescu, acest pionier al autostopului. Deci, regul\u0103: v\u00e2na\u0163i ma\u015fini cu urm\u0103toarele litere pe pl\u0103cu\u0163a de \u00eenmatriculare: BV, CJ, MS, SM, MM, AR, TM, HR, \u015fi, da, o zic cu m\u00e2ndrie local\u0103, CV. Fugi\u0163i de B, PH, CT, GL, BR, GR. Brrr, grrr! \u00cen zonele alea s-a inventat jecm\u0103neala \u015fi \/ sau violul.<\/p>\n
Efectul advers: \u00cen ultima vreme, cei din a doua categorie au \u00eenceput s\u0103-\u015fi ia ma\u015fini din prima list\u0103, pentru mindfuck<\/i>. Dar v\u0103 prinde\u0163i voi dup\u0103 privirea maniac\u0103 \u015fi firul de saliv\u0103 din col\u0163ul gurii.<\/p>\n
3. Chiar dac\u0103 \u015foferul e din lista bun\u0103, trebuie s\u0103 zice\u0163i pas dac\u0103: a) are \u00een ma\u015fin\u0103 o ga\u015fc\u0103 de f\u00e2rta\u0163i, to\u0163i cu gulerele marcate cu negreal\u0103, b) dintre to\u0163i autostopi\u015ftii te vrea doar pe tine \u015fi refuz\u0103 tot ce ai \u00een jur, chit c\u0103 e vorba de b\u0103tr\u00e2nici nevinovate, m\u0103mici cu copila\u015fi sau Mesia re\u00eencarnat, c) o are deja scoas\u0103 \u015fi-i mai d\u0103 c\u00e2te un bob\u00e2rnac. Cred c\u0103 punctul \u0103sta nu necesit\u0103 l\u0103muriri suplimentare.<\/p>\n
Efectul advers: Poate se opre\u015fte \u00een dreptul t\u0103u \u015fi-\u0163i face serenad\u0103 de claxoane. Poate nici nu mai pleac\u0103 unde avea treab\u0103 \u015fi r\u0103m\u00e2ne s\u0103 te p\u0103zeasc\u0103, s\u0103 se asigure c\u0103, dac\u0103 el nu te-a luat, nu te ia nici altul.<\/p>\n
4. Dac\u0103 \u00een ma\u015fin\u0103 e o pereche, nu v\u0103 face\u0163i iluzii, indiferent dac\u0103 sunte\u0163i b\u0103ie\u0163i sau fete. Fie perechea se \u00een\u0163elege bine, \u015fi atunci au garantat planuri pentru drum, care nu includ martori. Fie sunt \u00een etapa \u00een care se ur\u0103sc, \u015fi atunci, dac\u0103 e\u015fti fat\u0103, ea va \u00eencepe \u00een ma\u015fin\u0103, cu tonul \u0103la cic\u0103litor de nevast\u0103 nesatisf\u0103cut\u0103: \u201eA\u015fa, m\u0103, cum te opre\u015fti tu la toate curvi\u015ftinele!\u201d, iar el va demara, s\u0103 demonstreze c\u0103 nu-i a\u015fa. Dac\u0103 e\u015fti b\u0103iat, el o va privi ofticat \u015fi va s\u00e2s\u00e2i ranchiunos: \u201eNumai la morcov t\u00e2n\u0103r \u00ee\u0163i st\u0103 mintea, g\u0103in\u0103 ce e\u015fti!\u201d \u015fi se va \u00eendep\u0103rta \u00een tromb\u0103. Dac\u0103 pe \u015fosele ar circula doar cupluri, autostopul ar fi ca limba latin\u0103. Poate, l-a\u0163i studia \u00een liceu, dar nu l-a\u0163i aplica vreodat\u0103 \u00een realitate.<\/p>\n
Efectul advers: Dac\u0103 totu\u015fi te iau, vei auzi tot drumul mici r\u0103ut\u0103\u0163i reciproce de genul: \u201eDac\u0103 f\u0103ceai \u015fi tu curat, concediam menajera \u015fi ne f\u0103ceam acum vacan\u0163a \u00een Zakynthos, nu la C\u0103lan!\u201d \u015fi \u201eDac\u0103 nu ejaculai tu precoce, concediam \u015fi gr\u0103dinarul \u015fi ne duceam la Marrakech, idiotule!\u201d \u00cen ideea c\u0103, dac\u0103 tot c\u0103l\u0103tore\u015fti pe benzina lor, urechile tale nu conteaz\u0103.<\/p>\n
5. Idem femeile. Femeile nu iau autostopi\u015fti. Fie c\u0103-s pi\u0163ipoance care au primit ma\u015fina de la iubit, \u015fi suferin\u0163a uman\u0103 le las\u0103 reci, fie c\u0103-s carieriste \u015fi au c\u0103lcat pe cadavre s\u0103 aib\u0103 func\u0163ia \u015fi salariul aferente ma\u015finii, \u015fi suferin\u0163a uman\u0103 le las\u0103 reci. \u00cenc\u0103 nu s-a descoperit\u00a0 \u015foferi\u0163a care s\u0103 se \u00eendure de un autostopist. De aceea femeile fac mai multe accidente: le mai ajunge din urm\u0103 c\u00e2te o \u00eenjur\u0103tur\u0103 plin\u0103 de n\u0103duf.<\/p>\n
Efectul advers: Neexist\u00e2nd \u015foferi\u0163e miloase, nu s-a putut studia. E ca \u015fi cum te-ai \u00eentreba: dac\u0103 melcul ar avea p\u0103r, ce culoare ar avea acesta?<\/p>\n
6. Dac\u0103 a\u0163i g\u0103sit un tip cu look decent \u015fi \u015fli\u0163 \u00eenchis, \u00eentr-o ma\u015fin\u0103 relativ mi\u015fto dintr-un jude\u0163 ok, sau m\u0103car un camionagiu bonom care are icoane ag\u0103\u0163ate de parbriz, urmeaz\u0103 strategia mocangelii. Vrei ca omul s\u0103 te duc\u0103 gratis? \u00cemprietene\u015fte-te cu el. Te-a luat pentru c\u0103 se plictisea; din minim patru \u00eentreb\u0103ri i-ai descoperit punctul slab. Secretul autostopistului mocangiu: oamenii ador\u0103 s\u0103 se aud\u0103 vorbind despre ei \u00een\u015fi\u015fi. Tot ce ave\u0163i de f\u0103cut este s\u0103-i pune\u0163i noi \u015fi noi \u00eentreb\u0103ri despre el \u015fi s\u0103 nu adormi\u0163i. La destina\u0163ie, \u00ee\u0163i va spune: \u201eE\u015fti tipul \/ tipa cu cea mai inteligent\u0103 conversa\u0163ie din lume. De mult nu am mai vorbit at\u00e2t de bine cu cineva. Fii serios \/ serioas\u0103, cum s\u0103-\u0163i iau bani? Sigur nu ai tu nevoie? C\u0103 uite, de-aia faci autostopul. \u0162ine 50 de RON.\u201d<\/p>\n
Efectul advers: Dac\u0103 iei \u0103ia 50 de RON, ri\u015fti s-o scoat\u0103. Dar deja e\u015fti \u00een ora\u015ful natal, deci o po\u0163i rupe la fug\u0103, cu bancnota flutur\u00e2nd.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
O s\u0103 \u00eencep ca mo\u015fii: pe vremea mea, b\u0103i, copii, nu se \u015ftia ce e \u0103la tren sau maxi-taxi. Studen\u0163imea avea deget mare la...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3753","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3753","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3753"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3753\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3753"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3753"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3753"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}