Ai o bucurie s\u0103 chemi oameni acas\u0103 la tine \u015fi s\u0103 le dai de m\u00e2ncare? Foarte dr\u0103gu\u0163. C\u00e2nd eram eu copil, oamenii aveau joburi stabile din care chiar tr\u0103iau, nu-\u015fi b\u0103teau capul cum s\u0103 mai c\u00e2\u015ftige ni\u015fte bani pentru rata la apartament \u015fi \u015fcoala particular\u0103 de fi\u0163e a copilului care oricum chiule\u015fte, drept care, s\u00e2mbetele \u015fi duminicile \u00ee\u015fi chemau rudele pe la ei s\u0103 le osp\u0103teze. Sau prietenii.
\nAcum, slav\u0103 Domnului, obiceiul s-a mai rarefiat. De ce slav\u0103 Domnului?<\/p>\n
Pentru c\u0103 extrem de mul\u0163i oameni sunt gazde execrabile \u015fi preferi f\u0103r\u0103 urm\u0103 de ezitare s\u0103 te duci la un restaurant, s\u0103 \u0163i se cear\u0103 40 de lei pe o ciorb\u0103 \u015fi 70 pe un fel principal, plus 30 de lei o bere, dec\u00e2t s\u0103 \u00eenduri o gazd\u0103 execrabil\u0103.<\/p>\n
Tipuri de gazde execrabile:<\/p>\n
A) “Dar mai serve\u015fte, te rog!”<\/strong><\/p>\n Tu m\u0103n\u00e2nci c\u00e2t m\u0103n\u00e2nci, \u015fi la un moment dat, te opre\u015fti. La tine acas\u0103 sau la un restaurant, e ceva normal. \u00ce\u0163i speli farfuria, sau vine un chelner s\u0103 \u0163i-o ia, exact cum e, s-o spele, end of story. Gazda execrabil\u0103: “Vaaaai, dar numai at\u00e2t? Hai, mai serve\u015fte.” “Mul\u0163umesc, e OK.”<\/p>\n Aici intervine a doua nedumerire \u015fi etern\u0103 cauz\u0103 de furie a mea: omul care insist\u0103. Ce rost are insisten\u0163a \u00een univers, dac\u0103 nu depinde via\u0163a ta de ea? Da, dac\u0103 unul vrea s\u0103 te arunce de pe o st\u00e2nc\u0103 \u00een gol, are sens s\u0103 insi\u015fti s\u0103 nu o fac\u0103, c\u0103 ai minori de \u00eentre\u0163inut. Dar de ce, ca b\u0103rbat ur\u00e2t \u015fi gras, complet antisex, s\u0103 insi\u015fti s\u0103 te dai la o femeie care \u0163i-a ar\u0103tat f\u0103r\u0103 echivoc c\u0103 nu e interesat\u0103? \u015ei de ce, dac\u0103 via\u0163a ta nu depinde de asta, s\u0103 insi\u015fti s\u0103 \u00eende\u015fi m\u00e2ncare cu sadism \u00een cineva care-\u0163i spune f\u0103r\u0103 echivoc c\u0103 s-a s\u0103turat? B) “A\u015fa ai fost tu \u00eentotdeauna, o pofticioas\u0103!”<\/strong><\/p>\n La genul \u0103sta de om, dac\u0103 ai demnitate uman\u0103, nu te duci s\u0103 m\u0103n\u00e2nci mai mult dec\u00e2t o dat\u0103. Pentru c\u0103 ai senza\u0163ia dezagreabil\u0103 c\u0103-\u0163i num\u0103r\u0103 dumica\u0163ii. Frecven\u0163a \u015fi calibrul. C\u0103 face calcule legate de c\u00e2t de des bagi linguri\u0163a \u00een gur\u0103 \u015fi c\u00e2t de mult mesteci fiecare \u00eembuc\u0103tur\u0103 \u00een parte. C\u0103 fiecare mu\u015fc\u0103tur\u0103 din m\u00e2ncare e trup din trupul lui \u015fi s\u00e2nge din s\u00e2ngele lui, ca la Isus. \u015ei la un moment dat, c\u00e2nd \u00eenghi\u0163i, face: “A\u015fa ai fost tu \u00eentotdeauna, o pofticioas\u0103 \/ o m\u00e2nc\u0103cioas\u0103”, chiar dac\u0103 m\u0103n\u00e2nci perfect normal, ba chiar maschezi un vag dezinteres fa\u0163\u0103 de con\u0163inutul farfuriei.<\/p>\n C) “Ah, m\u0103 ierta\u0163i, supa nu-i destul de galben\u0103, friptura \/ tofu-l nu-i destul de s\u0103rat(\u0103), garnitura e din cartofi cule\u015fi s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2na trecut\u0103!”<\/strong><\/p>\n Genul \u0103sta de om e cer\u015fetor de complimente. \u015ei n-are \u00eencredere \u00een faptul c\u0103, dac\u0103 ceva e minunat, va veni natural din partea ta o reac\u0163ie apreciativ\u0103. \u015ei atunci, se comport\u0103 cu tine de parc\u0103 ai fi un tub de past\u0103 de din\u0163i, din care trebuie s\u0103 stoarc\u0103 laude, de undeva din str\u0103funduri. Se urc\u0103 cu picioarele pe tine \u015fi \u00eencepe s\u0103 apese, ba te \u015fi ruleaz\u0103, s\u0103 curg\u0103 complimentele mai bine. Practic, experien\u0163a pr\u00e2nzului cu un astfel de om e una de asistent la o autoflagelare. Te a\u015ftep\u0163i ca, pe la jum\u0103tatea mesei, s\u0103 scoat\u0103 hainele \u015fi s\u0103 se bat\u0103 cu biciul c\u0103 a gre\u015fit at\u00e2t de radical m\u00e2ncarea, \u00een timp ce tu se presupune c\u0103 trebuie s\u0103 pui furculi\u0163a jos, s\u0103-i smulgi biciul din m\u00e2n\u0103 \u015fi s\u0103 lingi s\u00e2ngele de pe el, \u00een semn de apreciere.<\/p>\n D) “N-ai m\u00e2ncat \u00een via\u0163a ta a\u015fa ceva!”<\/strong><\/p>\n Cu gazda autolaudativ\u0103 nu \u0163i-e clar ce s\u0103 faci. S\u0103 o iei ironic? “Da, m\u0103, logic c\u0103 n-am m\u00e2ncat, \u00een containerul \u00een care cotrob\u0103i eu sear\u0103 de sear\u0103 sunt doar coji de barabule putrezite \u015fi o juma de hamburg\u0103r cu crust\u0103 de mucegai?” S\u0103 o iei pe linia arogan\u0163ei lui? “Ce vorbe\u015fti, m\u0103? Orice shaormar decent e un buc\u0103tar mai bun dec\u00e2t tine?” S\u0103 fii sincer? “B\u0103, dac\u0103 \u00ee\u0163i sufli singur \u00een fund cu at\u00e2ta presiune, ia un pai lung, s\u0103 ajungi mai bine?” S\u0103 fii profund \u015fi meditativ? “Auzi, dar nu mai bine m\u0103 la\u015fi s\u0103 te laud eu, dac\u0103 e cazul?”<\/p>\n Oameni buni, nu mai fi\u0163i gazde execrabile. E at\u00e2t de simplu s\u0103 fii o gazd\u0103 suportabil\u0103. Cum? F\u0103c\u00e2nd o conversa\u0163ie despre orice altceva din univers dec\u00e2t m\u00e2ncarea pe care i-o dai musafirului \u015fi urm\u0103rind discret reac\u0163iile. Nu trebuie ca un om s\u0103 geam\u0103 ca o curv\u0103 dintr-un film porno, s\u0103 te prinzi c\u0103 se simte bine. \u015ei e o dovad\u0103 maxim\u0103 de prostie \u015fi obtuzitate s\u0103-i ceri unui om s\u0103-\u015fi pluseze starea de moment \u015fi s\u0103 se falsifice, doar ca s\u0103 te sim\u0163i tu bine \u00een orgoliul t\u0103u.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Ai o bucurie s\u0103 chemi oameni acas\u0103 la tine \u015fi s\u0103 le dai de m\u00e2ncare? Foarte dr\u0103gu\u0163. C\u00e2nd eram eu copil, oamenii aveau joburi...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":10170,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7630","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/12\/serv.jpg?fit=600%2C426&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7630","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7630"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7630\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":20916,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7630\/revisions\/20916"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/10170"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7630"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7630"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7630"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nEu, de c\u00e2te ori v\u0103d fenomenul, \u00eemi imaginez cum gazda scoate o \u0163eav\u0103, mi-o bag\u0103 pe g\u00e2t ca la g\u00e2\u015fte \u015fi \u00eencepe s\u0103 \u00eendese haleal\u0103. Iar la final, m\u0103 taie pentru foie gras.<\/p>\n