{"id":8498,"date":"2014-08-26T08:25:10","date_gmt":"2014-08-26T08:25:10","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lorenalupu.wordpress.com\/?p=8498"},"modified":"2014-08-26T08:25:10","modified_gmt":"2014-08-26T08:25:10","slug":"jurnal-de-nescriitor-5-dumnezeu-e-o-pisica","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/jurnal-de-nescriitor-5-dumnezeu-e-o-pisica\/","title":{"rendered":"Jurnal de nescriitor 5: Dumnezeu e o pisic\u0103"},"content":{"rendered":"


\nVia<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Azi, f\u0103ceam cafeaua \u015fi asistam la concursul de m\u00e2r\u00e2it argotic dintre al meu \u015fi \u0103la de la geam (v-am povestit c\u0103 de o s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2n\u0103 pervazul meu are un musafir cu must\u0103\u0163i, coad\u0103 \u015fi gheare) c\u00e2nd am avut o revela\u0163ie mistic\u0103. Mi-am dat seama c\u0103 trebuie s\u0103 pl\u0103tesc \u00eentre\u0163inerea. \u015ei, ca second thought, m-am prins c\u0103 toate enigmele tuturor religiilor \u015fi tot nep\u0103trunsul capriciilor divine s-ar explica dac\u0103 Dumnezeu ar fi o imens\u0103 entitate felin\u0103.<\/p>\n

Ca dovad\u0103, s\u0103 lu\u0103m numai cele zece porunci.<\/p>\n

1. 1. Eu sunt Domnul Dumnezeul t\u0103u; s\u0103 nu ai al\u0163i dumnezei afar\u0103 de Mine.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Orice fiin\u0163\u0103 normal\u0103 se bucur\u0103 c\u00e2nd \u00eent\u00e2lne\u015fte o fiin\u0163\u0103 de aceea\u015fi specie. Ca dovad\u0103, turmele de oi, roiurile de albine \u015fi g\u0103\u015ftile de motocicli\u015fti. C\u00e2nd doi oameni plimb\u0103 c\u00e2inii personali din dotare pe drum, c\u00e2inii respectivi \u00eencep s\u0103 dea din coad\u0103 ferici\u0163i c\u0103 se v\u0103d. Numai Dumnezeu, rom\u00e2nii \u015fi pisicile \u00ee\u015fi ur\u0103sc acerb omologii. \u015ei, pentru c\u0103 na\u0163ionalit\u0103\u0163ile au ap\u0103rut ceva mai t\u00e2rziu, Dumnezeu nu poate fi dec\u00e2t o pisic\u0103.<\/p>\n

2. 2. S\u0103 nu-\u0163i faci chip cioplit, nici alt\u0103 asem\u0103nare, nici s\u0103 te \u00eenchini lor.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Evident. Nu te \u00eenchini dec\u00e2t pisicii. Dac\u0103 ai o pisic\u0103 \u015fi un chip cioplit numit computer, \u015fi scrii la chipul cioplit, \u00een loc s\u0103 scarmeni pisica, ea se va tol\u0103ni pe chipul cioplit \u015fi va trimite mesaje de fdftkgfsaaghv\u0103futmumancurjgfjk \u00eentregii tale liste de Facebook. Dac\u0103 ai un chip cioplit pe nume telefon \u015fi ai de vorbit la el, pisica va face concurs de mieunat. Pentru c\u0103 remember 1, eu sunt Domnul Dumnezeul t\u0103u \u015fi aten\u0163ia ta mi se cuvine. Deplin.<\/p>\n

3. S\u0103 nu iei numele Domnului Dumnezeului t\u0103u \u00een de\u015fert.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ca dovad\u0103 c\u0103 oric\u00e2t l-ai striga pe Dumnezeu, nu r\u0103spunde. Dec\u00e2t dac\u0103 ai consumat anumite substan\u0163e de pe o list\u0103 interzis\u0103 de autorit\u0103\u0163i. Acum \u00eencearc\u0103 acela\u015fi exerci\u0163iu simplu – strigatul pe nume – \u015fi cu pisica ta. Lipsa suprem\u0103 a reac\u0163iei \u00eei tr\u0103deaz\u0103 natura dumnezeiasc\u0103.<\/p>\n

4. Adu-\u0163i aminte de ziua Domnului \u015fi o cinste\u015fte.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Cu precizarea c\u0103 ziua domnului e \u00een fiecare zi.<\/p>\n

5. Cinste\u015fte pe tat\u0103l t\u0103u \u015fi pe mama ta, ca bine s\u0103-\u0163i fie \u015fi mul\u0163i ani s\u0103 tr\u0103ie\u015fti pe p\u0103m\u00e2nt.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Aici, desigur, e de precizat c\u0103 Moise \u00een\u0163elesese gre\u015fit mieunatul. Era “cinste\u015fte-l pe capul familiei”. Unde capul familiei, e evident, pisica. \u015ei, dup\u0103 cum arat\u0103 un studiu \u015ftiin\u0163ific, cei care cinstesc pisicile tr\u0103iesc mai mult. Iaca<\/a>.<\/p>\n

6. S\u0103 nu ucizi. <\/strong><\/p>\n

De ce s\u0103 ucizi tu, c\u00e2nd pot s\u0103 ucid eu? De ce s\u0103 omori tu mu\u015ftele cu Raid, c\u00e2nd pot eu s\u0103 le fug\u0103resc ore \u00een \u015fir \u015fi s\u0103 le torturez delicios p\u00e2n\u0103 se sinucid de nervi?<\/p>\n

7. S\u0103 nu fii desfr\u00e2nat.<\/strong><\/p>\n

E important s\u0103 fii \u00eenfr\u00e2nat. Dac\u0103 pisica n-are chef de tandre\u0163urile tale, \u00ee\u0163i va arde o lab\u0103 peste ochi de vei umbla o s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2n\u0103 cu o v\u00e2n\u0103taie imens\u0103 \u015fi toat\u0103 lumea care te vede va b\u0103nui c\u0103 ai un amant abuziv \u015fi-l \u0163ii secret, din jen\u0103.<\/p>\n

8. S\u0103 nu furi.<\/strong><\/p>\n

E aiurea s\u0103 fi\u0163i doi ho\u0163i \u00een cas\u0103. Minim unul trebuie s\u0103 fie prostul. \u015ei evident c\u0103 prostul nu e pisica ta.<\/p>\n

9. S\u0103 nu ridici m\u0103rturie mincinoas\u0103 \u00eempotriva aproapelui t\u0103u.<\/strong><\/p>\n

De fapt, orice m\u0103rturie \u00eempotriva aproapelui t\u0103u felin e mincinoas\u0103 prin defini\u0163ie. \u00cel vezi sp\u00e2rg\u00e2nd scrumiera cu gra\u0163ie. Apoi te \u00eent\u00e2lne\u015fti cu cea mai nevinovat\u0103 pereche de ochi din univers, gata s\u0103 jure c\u0103 scrumiera a vrut s\u0103-\u015fi pun\u0103 cap\u0103t zilelor, drept care s-a azv\u00e2rlit \u00een neantul podelei.<\/p>\n

10. S\u0103 nu pofte\u015fti nimic din ce este al aproapelui t\u0103u.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Precizare: TOTUL este al aproapelui t\u0103u. Tu ai doar menirea divin\u0103 s\u0103-l sluje\u015fti umil \u015fi supus. S\u0103 te zba\u0163i s\u0103-i intri \u00een voie. Iar dac\u0103 pofte\u015fti, s\u0103 zicem, la o felie de pepene, Dumnezeu va trece, o va adulmeca b\u0103nuitor, se va uita lung la tine \u015fi, cu o gra\u0163ie absolut\u0103, \u00ee\u0163i va acorda permisiunea s-o m\u0103n\u00e2nci. Pentru c\u0103 e acea parte a avutului S\u0103u la care nu \u0163ine mor\u0163i\u015f.<\/p>\n

\u015ei a mai r\u0103mas un argument bonus, care nu apare pe nici o t\u0103bli\u0163\u0103. Dar care se arat\u0103 doar ini\u0163ia\u0163ilor ca mine \u015fi ca voi. Pisica, exact ca Dumnezeu, \u00ee\u0163i arat\u0103 fundul ca o form\u0103 de dragoste. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Via. Azi, f\u0103ceam cafeaua \u015fi asistam la concursul de m\u00e2r\u00e2it argotic dintre al meu \u015fi \u0103la de la geam (v-am povestit c\u0103 de o...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8498","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8498","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8498"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8498\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8498"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8498"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8498"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}