Costelu\u015f se pl\u0103cea.<\/p>\n
Se trezea diminea\u0163a \u015fi alerga disperat spre buc\u0103t\u0103rie. Acolo avea o oglind\u0103 mare, unde se uita lung \u015fi \u00eensetat la sine. Apoi se ducea la baie. Acolo mai avea o oglind\u0103. \u015ei \u00een hol avea una. <\/p>\n
Toate oglinzile lui Costelu\u015f aveau g\u0103uri, pentru c\u0103, de fiecare dat\u0103 c\u00e2nd se uita la sine, experimenta o erec\u0163ie. \u015ei adev\u0103rul e c\u0103 o partid\u0103 de sex cu propria persoan\u0103 e cel mai autentic act de dragoste. <\/p>\n
Visul cel mare al lui Costelu\u015f, \u00eens\u0103, era s\u0103 \u015fi-o sug\u0103 singur. Se ducea zi de zi s\u0103 fac\u0103 yoga \u015fi pilates, s\u0103 ajung\u0103 cu gura spre turnul falnic al masculinit\u0103\u0163ii. Era \u015fi aici un paradox. \u00cenc\u0103 nu era hot\u0103r\u00e2t dac\u0103 pula-i era a\u015fa frumoas\u0103, \u00eenc\u00e2t s\u0103 \u015fi-o sug\u0103 cu nesa\u0163, sau gura \u00eei era at\u00e2t de indescriptibil de sublim\u0103, \u00eenc\u00e2t s\u0103 merite viol cu perversiuni. Probabil, ambele. Costelu\u015f tocmai inventase autoversatilitatea. <\/p>\n
\u00centr-o frumoas\u0103 zi cu mult soare \u015fi cer variat, cu scurte averse de ploaie, Costelu\u015f reu\u015fi. Tot elong\u00e2ndu-se \u00een fa\u0163\u0103, se trezi nas \u00een nas cu cea mai frumoas\u0103 pul\u0103 din istorie. A lui. \u015ei exact \u00een momentul \u0103la, auzi un pocnet nepl\u0103cut \u015fi-l cuprinse o durere \u00een spate, de parc\u0103 cineva i-ar fi \u00eenfipt o mie de cu\u0163ite date cu piper, ardei iute \u015fi wasabi. <\/p>\n
\u00cencerc\u0103 s\u0103 se \u00eendrepte. Nu putu. Era \u00een\u0163epenit \u00een pozi\u0163ia autoversatilit\u0103\u0163ii. \u015ei se resemn\u0103. Se privi iar \u00een ochi cu cea mai frumoas\u0103 pul\u0103 din via\u0163a lui \u015fi zise:<\/p>\n
-Crezi c\u0103 po\u0163i s\u0103 m\u0103 faci s\u0103 uit de durere?<\/p>\n
\u015ei brusc, cerurile se deschiser\u0103, \u00eengerii c\u00e2ntar\u0103 la harf\u0103, norii prinser\u0103 contururi de curcubee, serafimii \u015fi heruvimii \u00eel \u00eenv\u0103luir\u0103 \u00een aripile lor \u015fi vulcanul Pompei izbucni iar, nimicind trei provincii italiene. <\/p>\n
Fu cel mai frumos act de dragoste pur\u0103 \u015fi necondi\u0163ionat\u0103 din via\u0163a lui Costelu\u015f. Dragoste pe vremea sciaticii. <\/p>\n
Apoi, durerea reveni. Cu oarecare jen\u0103, dar \u015fi cu m\u00e2ndrie nedisimulat\u0103, sun\u0103 la salvare. Le d\u0103du o explica\u0163ie transparent\u0103, ceva de genul: Aveam senza\u0163ia c\u0103 mi-a ap\u0103rut un hemoroid \u015fi am vrut s\u0103 verific. Asistentele \u00eel crezur\u0103. Sau se pref\u0103cur\u0103 c\u0103-l cred, ceea ce era deja OK. <\/p>\n
\u00cens\u0103 doctorul Filimon \u00eel privi \u00een ochi: <\/p>\n
-Domnule Costel, realiza\u0163i c\u0103 la a doua tentativ\u0103 de acest gen pute\u0163i r\u0103m\u00e2ne paralizat complet?
\n-Eu…
\n-Domnule Costel, cu dumneavoastr\u0103 vorbesc. \u015etiu ce a\u0163i \u00eencercat s\u0103 face\u0163i. Ne vin c\u00e2te zece ca dvs., zi de zi. Deja m-am s\u0103turat s\u0103 tot explic: Te califici s\u0103 te autofelezi doar dac\u0103 ai condi\u0163ia fizic\u0103 necesar\u0103.
\n-\u015ei dac\u0103 n-o am?
\n-\u00cencerca\u0163i un substitut.
\n-Ca de exemplu?
\n-\u00cencerca\u0163i cu m\u00e2na.
\n-Domnule, am 29 de ani \u015fi dou\u0103 m\u00e2ini. 14 \u015fi jum\u0103tate de fiecare. Cam c\u00e2t crede\u0163i c\u0103 m-am s\u0103turat? Deja le \u015ftiu toate liniile, toate b\u0103t\u0103turile, to\u0163i negii. \u00cen rela\u0163ia noastr\u0103, rutina rage ca o fiar\u0103.
\n-\u00cencerca\u0163i alt substitut.
\n-Ca de exemplu?
\n-Da\u0163i-v\u0103 like singur, pe Facebook. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Costelu\u015f se pl\u0103cea. Se trezea diminea\u0163a \u015fi alerga disperat spre buc\u0103t\u0103rie. Acolo avea o oglind\u0103 mare, unde se uita lung \u015fi \u00eensetat la sine....<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":9532,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9531","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spicy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/06\/Cream.jpg?fit=1920%2C1080&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9531","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9531"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9531\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9534,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9531\/revisions\/9534"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/9532"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9531"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9531"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lorenalupu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9531"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}