Fragment dintr-un mail

…pe tema: “Ce-boi-sunt-americanii-bine-că-suntem-noi-deştepţi-de-rupem”.

(postat iniţial pe Yahoo 360, pe 16 iulie)

These are from a book called Disorder in the American
Courts, and are things people actually said in court,
word for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect
your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your
memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said
to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a
person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it
until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby)
was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Duh………….
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a
beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your
attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined
the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in
a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been
alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and practicing law.